Every journey starts with a single step. I don’t know who said that, but it’s a nice quote.
Let’s start from the beginning.
I’ve been on this journey for about three years now and my longest streak has been 31 days. And during the later part of those days I looked at a lot of porn, I masturbated and I ejaculate but since I didn’t do all three at the same time I didn’t consider it a relapse.
Once during a three week vacation with my girlfriend, the urge got so bad. I waited until she feel asleep and started looking at porn and masturbated while laying next to her. I’ve had long periods of time when I couldn’t get an erection without porn.
My taste in porn went from normal porn to younger and younger girls. I’ve look at porn while holding my baby daughter. I’ve even fantasized about my 14 year old stepdaughter… I could go on like this for a long time and still have more bad shit to tell.
As you can see I’ve had it bad. And I’m quite sure many of you who read this have similar stories to tell. But let’s not focus on the past but what I’ve learned so far…
Sun Tzu wrote in “The Art of War” the following quote:
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”
So I started to learn about dopamine, what it is, and what is does to the body. How porn raises the dopamine levels to a level that isn’t normal. How this leads to erectile dysfunction and the constant search for more and more extreme pornography.
Now when I knew what was happening and why it felt easier to reconcile what I’ve done and still keept doing. But I still keep relapsing over and over again.
At times I just said fuck it… I’m gonna fail anyway so why bother. At those times I spend a lot of time in what I like to call the relapse swamp, you know when you can’t even reach day 2 on the counter, and spend every waking hour either craving or consuming porn…
Now I finally feel I’m on the right track again. I’m at day 11 I think this will be my longest streak ever. I really truly belive that. My resolve is stronger then its been for a very long time.
I think that the most important lessons I’ve learned so far are these:
It is your journey and nobody else’s, if one thing works for someone, it doesnt mean it will work for you. Don’t ask anyone else if you have relapsed or not. Instead ask yourself, will reseting the counter help me or not.
Get all the help you can get. Ask for support, ask for tips, ideas, strategies and use the ones that fits you.
Decide that you really want to quit. You will change your mind several times, your brain will scream at you “just a little peak”, “look at that ass”, it will do anything for the dopamine rush. And if you haven’t really decided that you want to quit… well then it’s relapse time.
Take one day at a time. Or one hour at the time when it’s bad. It will pass eventually.
Pornblockers… I’ve got more pornblockers on my computer then the Pentagon has security measures. Anything that can give you that extra minute to thinking over and change your mind.
Never give up.
Over and our for now
//Love and respect Einar