My (brutally honest) journey so far, [Einar 35 M]

Diary
1

Every journey starts with a single step. I don’t know who said that, but it’s a nice quote.

Let’s start from the beginning.

I’ve been on this journey for about three years now and my longest streak has been 31 days. And during the later part of those days I looked at a lot of porn, I masturbated and I ejaculate but since I didn’t do all three at the same time I didn’t consider it a relapse.
Once during a three week vacation with my girlfriend, the urge got so bad. I waited until she feel asleep and started looking at porn and masturbated while laying next to her. I’ve had long periods of time when I couldn’t get an erection without porn.
My taste in porn went from normal porn to younger and younger girls. I’ve look at porn while holding my baby daughter. I’ve even fantasized about my 14 year old stepdaughter… I could go on like this for a long time and still have more bad shit to tell.

As you can see I’ve had it bad. And I’m quite sure many of you who read this have similar stories to tell. But let’s not focus on the past but what I’ve learned so far…

Sun Tzu wrote in “The Art of War” the following quote:

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

So I started to learn about dopamine, what it is, and what is does to the body. How porn raises the dopamine levels to a level that isn’t normal. How this leads to erectile dysfunction and the constant search for more and more extreme pornography.

Now when I knew what was happening and why it felt easier to reconcile what I’ve done and still keept doing. But I still keep relapsing over and over again.
At times I just said fuck it… I’m gonna fail anyway so why bother. At those times I spend a lot of time in what I like to call the relapse swamp, you know when you can’t even reach day 2 on the counter, and spend every waking hour either craving or consuming porn…

Now I finally feel I’m on the right track again. I’m at day 11 I think this will be my longest streak ever. I really truly belive that. My resolve is stronger then its been for a very long time.

I think that the most important lessons I’ve learned so far are these:

  1. It is your journey and nobody else’s, if one thing works for someone, it doesnt mean it will work for you. Don’t ask anyone else if you have relapsed or not. Instead ask yourself, will reseting the counter help me or not.

  2. Get all the help you can get. Ask for support, ask for tips, ideas, strategies and use the ones that fits you.

  3. Decide that you really want to quit. You will change your mind several times, your brain will scream at you “just a little peak”, “look at that ass”, it will do anything for the dopamine rush. And if you haven’t really decided that you want to quit… well then it’s relapse time.

  4. Take one day at a time. Or one hour at the time when it’s bad. It will pass eventually.

  5. Pornblockers… I’ve got more pornblockers on my computer then the Pentagon has security measures. Anything that can give you that extra minute to thinking over and change your mind.

  6. Never give up.

Over and our for now
Take care
//Love and respect Einar

24 Likes
2

Thanks for your story.
I am 26 and i dont want to be like you at 35.
Wake up motherfucker Resurgent
I have become a pyscho idiot because i have 5 times orgasm just now.

6 Likes
3

Stay strong my brother @anon66785751 one day you will also reach your destination

1 Like
4

Bro reading your diary i got emotional …I am seeing great determination in you …this time you will definitely reach your goal …by the way how long you are addicted to this habit ? I mean from how many years you are porn and fapping addicted ?

2 Likes
5

@koylakhadan that’s a good question, I guess as long as I can remember. I’ve never seen it as an addiction or even a problem before, but I’ve had erectile dysfunction for at least nine or ten years, maybe even longer. But I’ve never saw the connection between porn and ED.
I don’t suffer from that anymore though. Even if I relapse once in a while, cutting down on porn has done wonders to my life.

3 Likes
6

Porn is the root cause of becoming a perverted mind, low self esteem , criminal activity and what not…

9 Likes
10

Day 11, this morning I can feel my resolve waining. I open up the Facebook app with the hope of seeing something that will give me at least a small buzz of dopamine… Then I close it again when I realise why I’m doing it.
I’ve done a lot of drugs in the past and I recognise the withdrawal symptoms.
Every five minutes or so I look at my counter, still 11 days, not more. I use the counter as an anchor, it’s not worth it to go down to zero again.
Once more I use the advise I got from a fellow fapstronaut in here. I set a goal to survive for the next hour and stick to it.
It helps to vent my frustration in here.

The worst is over now

For me it usually comes in waves, it sneaks up on me and gets stronger and stronger, then it slowly subsides. Well usually, there are those days when I go around constantly craving.

I’ll make it through this day and the next and the one after that. It’s just a craving, nothing more after all.

2 Likes
11

I’m right there with you man. My story starts when I was somewhere between 12 and 14. My stepdad used to have tons of porn on his computer most of them if young girls which I never made a connection to until later on in life. But either way I never thought I had an addiction because I would only use pmo as a stress relief most of the time but then one night I was laying in bed with my wife who was already asleep and got the urge to masturbate. When I did she caught me in the act. She proceeded to spend the next couple weeks wondering what she had done wrong blaming my addiction on herself. I made the decision right then to stop. After I made that decision to stop I realized other things I had been doing without realizing how harmful they were. For instance I would underess almost every woman I met regardless of age which doesn’t sound like a bad thing until you find out that I am an 8th grade teacher who has even done this to students at times. I would never act on it with a student but even the fact that I have had those thoughts tells me how warped my thinking process had become. On my journey to becoming free of this addiction I have 2 main sources of strength. 1. Is good because through him all things are possible every time I have an urge or an impure thought I pray to God for strength and healing. 2. Is my wife, she has been very supportive and helpful to me on this journey as well as understanding and not judgemental. This is a tough journey that we are all on and I’m here to talk if you ever want to.

12 Likes
12

My sharing code is 6d7a18. Anyone else who needs to talk is more than welcome be to add and message me as well

4 Likes
13

Thank you for your story @nickbtlr2563 I really appreciate you sharing it with me.

14

Absolutely man, that’s what we’re all here for. To share our stories and help each other to make better choices for ourselves.

1 Like
15

Thats Edging.
Equal to Relapse.

2 Likes
16

No No No @anon66785751 your are totally and utterly wrong on so many levels right now. I’ll tell you why.

First off. Edging is when you masturbate and stay on the edge of ejaculation prefebly a long as possible. Thereof the word edging.

Secondly. If I would count scrolling through my Facebook flow in search for something that will get my blood running i.e. a pretty face, someone wearing something sexy. Then every time I see a pretty girl and look at her with a sexual intent, that would also count as a relapse.
I would hardly even call that a relapse even if I was doing hard mode (which I am not).

Thirdly and most importantly this is MY journey not any one else’s. That means I decide what constitutes as a relapse not anyone else. If had said “I’m doing Hard mode” there are certain rules. If I’d said I’m doing “normal mode” well there’s probably some rules for that to. If I’m in a competition, I’ll follow those rules.
But I’m not in any competition against anyone but myself and I’m not in any f**ing mode but MY own.

If you have any good input, tips, ideas, storys by all means share it and I’ll listen but please don’t ever tell me when or why you think I have failed on my journey. Because that’s not for you or anybody else to decide.

5 Likes
17

Dude that was the most honest open nofap story i ever seen in my life.Keep going. Even if you relapse you know you really did great progress just know that and give your effort to it.

3 Likes
18

I disagree.
Not only masturbating but watching erotic pics is also edging Because it gives you instant high. What about Dopamine bro. ?
We have to break our old neural pathways so that we can fully restore our dopamine receptors. Its called Reboot.

You closed it because you know You are cheating yourself

If the incidence was only for a minute of watching. You can keep your Streak but if you were watching those erotic pics for more than 5 minutes. You lost the control

I am saying all this because it had happenned to me also. Before, i was also with yours mindset like

This mindset is very dangerous and it will not give good results. We as a community should listen to each other. I have one and half year of nofap experience. So i can tell you that edging = no progress. Even if you have masturbated or not.

We are here just to help each other otherwise who cares which mode are you doing

3 Likes
19

@anon66785751 the definition of the word edging is to stay on the edge on something, in this particular case an orgasm. But i think we should skip the discussion of the correct definition and usage of one word since it isn’t that relevant to the picture at large.
Of course I knew I was cheating myself, otherwise I wouldn’t have posted it my diary. I did it for a minor dopamin rush and I was well aware of the fact that I was doing it.
With that out of the way.
If I do something that could constitute as a relapse, I ask my self the following questions:

What would happen if I reset the counter for this?

  1. Have this happened before during this streak?
  2. Will this lead to more extreme peaking or will I accept peaking without reseting my counter in the future?
  3. If I reset my counter and go back to 0, will my resolve to continue be the same as if I don’t.

I am always brutally honest with myself while answering these questions.

And I know for a fact and without a shadow of a doubt that if I reset the counter becourse I looked at some pictures on Facebook. The next time I feel the urge coming in and the counter says 1 day, the chances of me resorting to porn is much much higher then if just leave the counter alone.

I hear what you are saying, and you do have a valid point. But I’ve been fighting this for three years now and I know how I work and what works for me… And i definitely know what will make me relapse. And there is nothing that makes me go “fuck it” as a counter that says 0.

1 Like
20

You are the Boss.
I am leaving.

21

I don’t want you to feel that you have to to leave, I think it’s interesting to hear what you have to say and as I said before, you do have some very valid points.
It’s just that I’ve been practising Tantra and taoism for years, I’ve been studying sex and sexuality. My girlfriend works as a sex coach.
So belive me when I say that I have twisted and turned and looked at this from every possible angle, I’ve read everything I can find on the subject and I have tried one method after another until I am where I am now. I know i still have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but I also know that I have a lot of knowledge on the subject and about how I work.

I know i can get somewhat defensive sometimes and I know that you are only trying to help me, so please let me apologise for my defensiveness, and rude tone.
I really do appreciate you trying to help me
Take care

9 Likes
22

@anon66785751 come on bro he is right in his own thinking and so are you , it would never help to leave like that , it could make @einar uilty(only my opinion ) so bury the hatchet brothers and carry on the fight
It is okay to agree to disagree

6 Likes
23

We may have different beliefs but we are together in this fight.
Cheers !

8 Likes