Hi! I am Mid3 and I am here since March2020 i think.
I was raised in a religious family. I experienced sexual abuse from my cousin. He was older than me for a year. We were playing but he was switching the topic to sexual games. I never knew it back then. So I was dragged into sex at a very young age. He have a friend that did the “act” to me. We were kids and i never thought that it would have a huge impact on how i view sexuality amd sex itself. (I was about 3 or 4 yrs old that time. No one knew even until now)
As i grew older, i experienced new environment and eventually became aware of what my cousin had done. I never knew what to feel.
I was a highschool freshmen when porn had shown itself. It was my classmate’s phone that had it in. He was so into it. Naturally, i am curipus about it but never really dived in because of my moral principles and belief. I got to peek tho.
Sophomore year, many classmates have been watching 50 shades. I dont really want to watch it. Just peeked.
Third year at highschool, i knew that men read erotic stories. I eventually read them too. My heart beat fast. I wasn’t aware that masturbation in women also exist. I discovered it unintentionally.
Experiencing O was new to me. I eventually had porn and submerged to it. Not until i was reminded how it is a sin. I was deeply into God’s love that it was urging me to go on a new path. I started for weeks of abstinence.
By meditating on God’s word, i was able to reach 3-4 months no PMO (The most productive moments of my life [i became top 2/400 when i was at my senior year]. I felt proud, which has led me to a downfall.
Since then i was trying. Sometimes i just want to accept that weeks of nfap is okay and “maybe” it’s normal.
My faith was so weak and i feel like i was isolating myself from the world. I was stressed and lost motivation to aim higher. I was totally distracted and addicted.
When i entered college, i knew that the only way for me to survive is to surrender this stupid addiction and habit. I meditated on God’s word again. Relapsing has significantly decreased.
I just relapse with an average of 2-4 per month since i was busy at school. Before i relapse for about everyday.
Pandemic has come and this addiction seems to be lurking around. I binged for a day and felt so low. Full of disgust, i now hoped for a new way to get this off.
With God’s mercy, i found this app. I installed it. I was able to go for 8 days to 10. But i relapse because my mind is like telling me, “hey its been so long”. Not until i reached day 15 and just wanted to continue.
Until day 21 surprised me. Until day 40.
I was really struggling during day 70. I was extremely flooded by urges and anxiety. I was too stressed and wanted to have some dopamine and feel happy for a while.
I was blessed because after all, i reached day 90. I never thought i’d be able to do it again. I was able to wrestle with urges for 104 days.
Now, I am back to day 1. I am so sad and regretful. I was aiming to have 365 days pmo free. I know that 1 relapse feels so disappointing.
But i dont want to binge. I dont want to think that i lost it all. 1 mistake wont bring down the empire of confidence i am building. It is greatly affected for sure, but i am not out of the game. I am still fighting.
I created this to remind myself that giving up should not be in my option. I created this to counter the thoughts of binging again.
I hope that i’ll be stronger this time.
I want to do this because i want to have a better version of myself.
I won’t engage in a relationship with a guy if i can’t reach day 365 without PMO.
Come join me in my journey.
August 6 2020 - Day 1 again