MID3 [18F] My silent battle

Hi! I am Mid3 and I am here since March2020 i think.

I was raised in a religious family. I experienced sexual abuse from my cousin. He was older than me for a year. We were playing but he was switching the topic to sexual games. I never knew it back then. So I was dragged into sex at a very young age. He have a friend that did the “act” to me. We were kids and i never thought that it would have a huge impact on how i view sexuality amd sex itself. (I was about 3 or 4 yrs old that time. No one knew even until now)

As i grew older, i experienced new environment and eventually became aware of what my cousin had done. I never knew what to feel.

I was a highschool freshmen when porn had shown itself. It was my classmate’s phone that had it in. He was so into it. Naturally, i am curipus about it but never really dived in because of my moral principles and belief. I got to peek tho.

Sophomore year, many classmates have been watching 50 shades. I dont really want to watch it. Just peeked.

Third year at highschool, i knew that men read erotic stories. I eventually read them too. My heart beat fast. I wasn’t aware that masturbation in women also exist. I discovered it unintentionally.

Experiencing O was new to me. I eventually had porn and submerged to it. Not until i was reminded how it is a sin. I was deeply into God’s love that it was urging me to go on a new path. I started for weeks of abstinence.

By meditating on God’s word, i was able to reach 3-4 months no PMO (The most productive moments of my life [i became top 2/400 when i was at my senior year]. I felt proud, which has led me to a downfall.

Since then i was trying. Sometimes i just want to accept that weeks of nfap is okay and “maybe” it’s normal.

My faith was so weak and i feel like i was isolating myself from the world. I was stressed and lost motivation to aim higher. I was totally distracted and addicted.

When i entered college, i knew that the only way for me to survive is to surrender this stupid addiction and habit. I meditated on God’s word again. Relapsing has significantly decreased.

I just relapse with an average of 2-4 per month since i was busy at school. Before i relapse for about everyday.

Pandemic has come and this addiction seems to be lurking around. I binged for a day and felt so low. Full of disgust, i now hoped for a new way to get this off.

With God’s mercy, i found this app. I installed it. I was able to go for 8 days to 10. But i relapse because my mind is like telling me, “hey its been so long”. Not until i reached day 15 and just wanted to continue.

Until day 21 surprised me. Until day 40.
I was really struggling during day 70. I was extremely flooded by urges and anxiety. I was too stressed and wanted to have some dopamine and feel happy for a while.

I was blessed because after all, i reached day 90. I never thought i’d be able to do it again. I was able to wrestle with urges for 104 days.

Now, I am back to day 1. I am so sad and regretful. I was aiming to have 365 days pmo free. I know that 1 relapse feels so disappointing.

But i dont want to binge. I dont want to think that i lost it all. 1 mistake wont bring down the empire of confidence i am building. It is greatly affected for sure, but i am not out of the game. I am still fighting.

I created this to remind myself that giving up should not be in my option. I created this to counter the thoughts of binging again.

I hope that i’ll be stronger this time.

I want to do this because i want to have a better version of myself.

I won’t engage in a relationship with a guy if i can’t reach day 365 without PMO.

Come join me in my journey.

August 6 2020 - Day 1 again

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You are a real warrior dear @Mid3.
I am 101% you will win this battle of YOU vs REAL YOU for sure.
Wish you all the best

Peace

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By reading your story & seeing your courage I also want to confess that I was also sexually assaulted by my uncle it was in my summer holidays I visited my village I was 3-4yrs old . Although I’m male and he had done all kinds of brutal act on me I don’t want to say here, I also not aware what was happening with me this things continue 2-3 months but one day my grandparents caught him and scolded him but not take him to the police because people think male can’t get raped or assaulted . I was very cheerful & extrovert,&naughty kid but after that incident I become introvert & shy I developed a fear inside me for peoples, i started watching po*n at age of 13 when I was in class 6th but now I want to change myself I started talking to more people & I also want to share this story in this forum but I’m afraid that what will my companions think of about me. I opened my story it’s all because of you All the best for your nofap journey…

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Power to you bro…:fist::fist:

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Thanks brother… :slightly_smiling_face:

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@Mid3

I read all your story.
You know already… what is best for You… You just need to completly surrender to the God.

God gives strength to pass the bad & good days without slipping.

Go ahead then… March Forward to Greater Glory.

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What happened to us was never our fault. I never shared this story of mine in person. Keep fighting this battle because we choose to be better

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Yes! Thank you. I know that God’s support has always been sufficient. I just need to do my best and he will take care of the rest

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So this is Day 2.
I’m trying to make myself busy again. I know that i just have to continue. I’ve read stories of other people and i know that I am not alone in this battle

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Hey brother @kakka and sister @Mid3 you guys had went through hard times. One way to get out of it is confess about it to safe people. There is a subconscious shame inside you even though you know it was done by your uncle or your cousin. To let that out you must understand and embrace that this was not your fault. You can confess it to some companions if you feel they are close enough and will keep the secret. Above all, if you have best friend whom you can trust share this with them and see that they are not judging. It was not your fault. These kind of things happen in life.
I too had a sexual experience with my cousin sister when I was 3-4 years old. She also asked me to play a game by touching private parts etc. She was also very young. I guess some peodophile had done this sin to her. And she did it to me. And it had been inside my mind for years as a toxic shame. I had 0 confidence. I was always afraid of things and people. Along with that porn addiction came when I was 13-14 years old. But now Iam slowly getting out of it. I talked about my toxic shame to one of my close friend and classmate @josephvt and he didn’t judge me. He made me understand that I was not my fault and helped me a lot.
Along with that I have a great bunch of companions here in this forum. I confessed about it to them and they all helped me a lot. None of them judged me. Now I understand that it was not my fault. I don’t need to feel shame about it.
It is a very deep rooted belief brother and sister. Strive forward. This is life we can put it down and do many things. Many people who were sexually assaulted when they were young became great and did many good things to the world.
We are all together. Improve. Work hard. Hold hands and go forward.

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Sister I also experienced these type of abuse even if Iam a male tooo…Share your pain to someone else who is trustworthy…trust me you will feel good after sharing these incident…If we gave up this burden by sharing we will be more confident and comfortable to move on…

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I would not be so hard to myself. Addiction is never a sin. Society and experience and availability of high speed internet porn did that to you. It is a sickness that you need to overcome not a personality trait. I was raised Catholic myself with bed time prayers and all that child indoctrination stuff you can think off - but found out very early that the most religious people in our community are also the worst persons - I stopped believing in ancient text book stories at 13 or so, actually I think religious believe itself is some kind of sickness that needs to be overcome. Maybe you should try to drop that god-thing and self hate for being a sinner altogether. Having sexual experiences as a child is nothing to be ashamed of and as long as the other child is of about the same age it’s not a crime, sexual interaction feels good and there was a bit of curiosity - children do that. In my oppinion you should relax a bit on the topic and eventually go to a non-religious therapist if you feel so bad about the childhood experiences, talking about it will help. And I would maybe recommend pure attention based meditation instead of religious talking to higher beings asking for help or begging for forgiveness - that is not productive it only hurts.

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I agree with @Cryptonic

Meditation is the Key.
And
Brother… You have judged us wrong.

We are not like… what you have said… atleast i take guaranttee of myself.

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@Tagore @josephvt thanks for all your advices. I guess i’ll try to do that.

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I respect your opinion. My beliefs took me to this path so dropping it could be very impossible for me. The most huge inspiration of stopping PMO for me is my beliefs about God. Although i respect your opinion about it.

I also know that there are some people who believe in God but do bad things. I have to agree. I believe in God but i have failures too. I don’t see God as someone who is cruel. I think that He understands my weakness. It is not the fear of being punished that i try to pursue this journey.

Also, it doesn’t mean that when i believe in God i just solely depend on spiritual things. I practice scientific methods too in overcoming this addiction.

Maybe my view on addiction is just different than yours. I strive to quit PMO. Maybe we have different compellers in this journey, i think that it is also important not to invalidate the belief that other people hold on to.

At the end of the day, we all strive to be better.

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Few Hours before day 3

i am just still grateful because in a span of 1 year, PMO counts are lower now.

i found my old reading checklist where i also record the days i did PMO (it was before i found this app)

August 2019 - 1
September 2019-2
October-1
November-3
December-2
January-1
February- Lost Record
March- Incomplete record (1)
April-5
May-0
June-0
July-0
As of August 8- 1

So i estimated it and relapsed for about 20 times in a whole year.

i know it’s far from ZERO but
i came from a very devastaying addiction. i used to do it almost everyday before (for multiple times)

I hope to do even better now
Praying for lower counts

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Sister, you can get out of this forever and really connect with God. It is possible. One of our brother @kostantinosNF has reached 1000 and proved it to us. He has apploaded a video. Check it out.
Keep going. A beautiful life is unfolding.

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Day 3
I was reminded to keep pushing this battle.
2 Chronicles 15:7 So you must be brave. Don’t give up! God will honor you for obeying him. (CEV)

All this hardships are worth it.

I learned today that we should always reaffirm to ourselves how much we hate porn and relapse.

I already organized my study schedule today and hoping to do some advanced study for my online class next next week.

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Your mind will be your worst friend if you don’t understand how you have programmed it.

Step by step, you are becoming a conquerer of yourself. Your True Self is very near you. Keep doing :pray:

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After 45 mins i will be on Day 7
1/3 of my goal. Which is 21 days.

I already got my study plan. I’ve been reading and studying calculus hahaha. I also went to have physical activities yesterday.

I read spiritual books. I plan to read a book entitled “Your Brain on Porn” im just looking for a copy.

I wake up earlier than usual.
The urges are quite strong. I hope i can ward them off as soon as possible.

I’ll try to keep myself busy this month. I just hope that i’ll have more peace in my house so i can focus more and not be angry almost everytime.

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