Been a hard day, overwhelmed on pretty much every angle. Been difficult to shake the feeling that porn will make it all better. Took a nap ealier today and that helped for a few hours. Came back really strong though, now I’m at the movies waiting to get in to see Captain Marvel. Hopefully that’ll distract or calm me down enough or whatever for me to get through the rest of the day. About 3.5 hours until I reach 5 days.
3 hours from my record. 6 days was the longest I have gone in 10+ years. So 4 hours will be a new record. Hoping I can keep going.
Whoever reads this, this is officially the longest I’ve went without porn.
That is a big achievement!
I remember when I reached one week in my journey. It was the longest I had gone without PMO in 17 years. Let yourself feel over the moon! And then keep that streak going!
It’s possible to be squeaky clean free and not even think the way you used to. Thoughts change. Imaginations change. Reasonings change. And finally your habits change. All that changes you completely!
And you are already victorious. You are an overcomer. You’re here and you’re making yourself better. Keep going!
Excited for tomorrow!! Been trimming away bad habits over the last week. Anything that tempts me to look at porn. Found a way to block Incognito mode, Youtube is gone, etc. Now I can start cracking down more on the masturbation side of things.
Y’all may think that this way is cheating, but porn is my bigger enemy.
Masturbation should be easier to take one day at a time now that I have removed most, if not all, of the things I go to for porn. Praying I can break free of this for good.
How’d you block incognito mode?? That’s a skill you gotta share
Found an app that shuts it down as soon as it tries to open. Installed it then hid it on my phone, so I can’t find it to delete it.
I think I found the emotional side effects of quitting porn. Just been kinda sad all day. There is a lady here who gets offended at everything I do, including me doing nothing. Just kinda bums me out that I’m trying so hard and all she sees is the failures. Usually it isn’t a problem because she is gone working or upstairs doing whatever she does. Going to sit in my room and ignore it isn’t really an option because that is a big temptation, being alone like that. Little things don’t usually just make me super quiet and sad. But then again I probably dealt with it in the past by just going to find some porn or whatever.
Scientifically speaking, my brain has relied on this nonsense to make the world seem friendlier for years now. Time to stop hiding behind my security blanket, be a man, and face the world for what it is. Cruel and heartless.
My choice is to either cry about not having my porn to make everything seem softer anymore and live in fear of the world and its scary residents. Or to stand tall, hold the line, and brace to face whatever lies ahead. It might hurt, and it will definitely be difficult, but were we not made for war? Men were not made to cower, but to conquer! And conquer is what I’ll do, because going back to porn is not an option.
Made myself a cake to celebrate. Strawberry with whipped chocolate icing
Set a new record, made a cake, doing good, but still so sad today.
I like cake. Cake is good. It never lies.
Well done dude. Wishing you well
Met somebody new this week, really encouraged me.
So limiting time spent alone in my room seems to be helping. Been doing all of my studying, drawing, writing, even gaming in the living room instead. If I go in my room alone, either to sleep, nap, shower, whatever, I immediately put my phone in my bookshelf. It’s out of reach of my bed. I keep my phone on me while on the toilet still, but if there is even a hint of that being a problem it’ll stop coming with me.
Basically, been trying to build as many habits as I can to limit triggers and access. Almost at 10 days. Started watching porn and being sexually active around 10 or so, I think this is the longest I’ve been without porn in almost 14 years.
My wife sent me a care package from Florida and I got it today. Had my Switch in it, but she forgot to send the games with it. So I went bought Mega Man Legacy Collection 1 & 2, but it was preowned and the code for the second set of games wasn’t there. Which is a bummer, but not the reason I’m here.
These games are known for being some tough old school games and I still have not beat the first level of the first game. Although I have tried it around 7 times or so. And I still want to keep trying.
The point is that two weeks ago failing to beat a level this many times would have made me feel like worthless trash and I would have went to porn to feel better (Stupid reason but still a reality) yet I have not had any thoughts to go to porn or even self hate or anything. I hope this is the start of my mind crawling out of that pit.
Came really close to watching porn today. Had let myself relax on a few rules because I thought I had gotten strong enough, but as soon as I did, everything came rushing back. Did not follow through with it, but it was very tempting.
Now I’m cranking down on some rules and being more strict with myself. The first rule I broke is that I decided to hangout in my room instead of the living room because the lady I mentioned in an earlier post was home today and being a jerk. Then I had my phone close, because I was texting and whatnot. It got bad when I decided to take a short nap and then work a lot on school when I woke up refreshed. Out of habit I threw my phone on the bed and then got in a few minutes later. And there I was, in bed, alone, with my phone, and no possibility of somebody walking in. I started to go down that road, but stopped myself before I got too far. Still, was much too close.
If nothing else, it reminded me how weak and fragile I still am and that I do still need the boundries that have been set up.
Excited about church today. That and the fact that I’m almost done with my latest drawing has me in a pretty good mood.
Yesterday was easier after I set up some stricter boundries. Got an alarm clock to put by my bed so I had absolutely no reason to have my phone within arms reach. My phone charger found a new home on the other side of the room. Made falling asleep a lot less stressful.
As long as I stick to the rules I set up, it seems to be getting easier. I just need to be careful that I don’t get relaxed about it, that’ll mess me up fast.
Another day, another challenge. Just going to stay busy and keep my mind on important things instead of immature thoughts about women.
So I relapsed today. Had a lot of homework to finish before tomorrow, and had the idea to let Youtube run for some background noise as I studied. One video led to another and before I knew it there were naked ladies on my screen.
I feel terrible about it, but I know that I need to keep my head up and stay focused. Getting too upset or allowing myself to get depressed will only cause more problems.
Sorry for the disappointment guys.
Was doing so well! Need to find a way to break this cycle again. I’m tired of relapsing in groups of days or weeks. It is harder when you don’t have a streak to risk.