Michael's Prison Break [24 M]

#1

I have been looking at porn and masterbating for as long as I can remember. I can remember being 8 or 9 in the bathroom masterbating, it has been a part of my life for that long. I feel like it has been holding me as prisoner for my entire life. It is time to break free.

The immediate reason for writing this post is that I just hit the 8 hour mark. That might seem pathetic or trivial, but it means a lot to me. It has been really bad lately and I’m just excited for any progress.

I plan on updating this thread often, most likely every day.

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#2

Good luck, Mr Scofield.

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#3

Thanks, I’ll need all I can get

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#4

I’m coming up on my 24 hour mark, only 2 hours away. Had to go to the complete opposite side of the house from where I usually masterbate, because this is around the time I would go to that.
It is hard to think about anything else, honestly. Not sure why I expected this to be easier. I need to spend time working on my midterms, term papers, and studying for my classes, but my brain doesn’t seem to want to focus.
I’m afraid that I’ll relax just enough to focus and my mind will go into its default thought process and I’ll relapse before I even know what’s going on.

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#5

Made to the 24 hour mark! Been a rough day. Lately I have been relapsing after about 2 days, I’m ttying to keep the momentum going and change any habits I need to.

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#6

Stay strong, brother. Youre doing good.

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#7

I don’t know if it’s like this for everybody, but I have rarely had a thought today without it coming with urges. Standing strong is all consuming.

#8

I’ve started studying in the living room instead of spending all day in my bedroom alone. Aside from it adding an extra step to go through to relapse, there have been a lot of interesting discussions with the other guys in the dorm. I’ve always been more of a loner, but I think I can get used to this.

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#9

I wish I would have roomates bro. Im living alone.

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#10

Currently in a college dorm, but only until May. It’s a blessing and a curse, but in the end, it is what it is.

#11

I feel like it is a lot easier to be turned on/triggered by a random girl just looking nice then it was when I was watching porn everyday. Maybe I’m just noticing it more. I think part of my trigger is lonliness, especially right now being seperated from my wife until May and we aren’t doing that great in our marriage anyway. The desire to feel wanted and appreciated. Crazy how a genuine smile from the girl at the taco counter can make me feel important and appreciated. Porn also made me feel like that. Like they were doing whatever just for me.

4 more hours until the 2 day mark. I know that 2 days is not a big deal, but I need a goal to work toward. A lot easier to say to myself, “You can stand for 4 more hours!” Then to try to tackle a lifetime in a momemt.

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#12

Urges are insane right now. Trying to work on a commentary for school, but my mind is constantly going back to pmo. (Assuming that means porn, masterbation, and orgasm. I really don’t know)

I don’t want to be here in a few hours typing about how I relapsed. Going to go take a nap and hopefully clear my head. Leaving my phone in the living room. Although, if that still doesn’t work and I don’t even make it to the 2 day mark, then I’ll know for later what does not help in crunch time.

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#13

Successfully took a nap without a relapse, got close for a minute though. Good thing I left my phone in another room.

10 minutes until the 2 day mark. Time to get dressed and go to church for the evening.

#14

Figure out when the urge hits you. In my case it is when I’m already in bed and begin fantasizing or have nsfw flashbacks. What I usually do in that case is:

  • breathing in deeply through nose and breathing out through mouth like I was blowing a big baloon
  • saying yourself in thoughts “No, not now”, “No, not this time”, “I will feel like shit tomorrow”, “I will fap tommorow” also helps
  • usually urges go away after trying two ones, but if they are still there try to do as many pushups/jumping jacks/sit-ups as you can
  • if they are still there go to mirror, look OK at yourself, eyes and ask if you really need it
  • if you still have them take a cold shower
  • if you still have them take a walk or go for a run
  • if you still have them open RC app and open motivational image

If you still have them you should note when, where and how do you get them an take steps to prevent them. Usually I relapse by watching porn on phone, so what I did was

  • disabling default browser
  • installing Pluckeye browser (Spine Browser is good too), but Pluckeye disable images
  • block porn ads / websites and time wasting websites with Pornaway (needs rooted Android phone)
  • blocked Pornaway and Play Store from launching for 30 days to prevent unlocking hosts or downloading any other their browser
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#15

I guess I need to decide what exactly I’m trying to get away from. Porn is my big problem, masturbation too. I was looking at porn for hours at a time and masturvating sometimes 5 times a day. So I want to break my addiction to them both.

At the moment, my big focus will be on porn. That is what I’ll track with the app. After May, I’ll start tracking both with the app. However, if masturbation starts happening more than once every few days, that’ll have to start being tracked too.

Porn is what really destroys my wife to hear about. If I can really start breaking free from porn by May, I think masturbation will take care of itself. Especially since I’ll have my wife with me every night.

My main point for wanting to quit porn is that I don’t want to think sexually about anybody except my wife.

I will still post on here when I end up masturbating, just for the added accountability and transparency. Also it will let me track it. That way I’ll know if it’s getting overboard again. I did last night around 3 a m. Had my wife on my brain and no porn around, just complete darkness. Not going to let myself do that again until I get to day 4 or 5.

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#16

Last night I had a conversation with my wife. Had to talk via phone because we’re apart until May always more awkward via phone.

She’s such a wonderful wife

She said she is proud of me, meant a lot.
She said she wants to help and support me as much as she can. Our plan is to cut porn out completely, and cut masturbation down to once a day at maximum (was 4-5 times a day), then after we can get back together cut masturbation out completely. That should be a smooth transition and something she can support.

Continuing to masturbate once a day was her idea, btw. She is worried about fertility. She wants to take over the once a day thing for me in May.

#17

I don’t even feel the need to masturbate or anything, but it’s just the desire to look at porn. I know it’s disgusting and destructive, but I guess I’ve done it for so long that it just feels kinda like home know. Where I go when I need to be with people and acknowledged by people. You start consistently going back to certain stars and it builds a false friendship in your mind where you feel like ypu know the person, even sometimes miss the person. Especially the stuff I was into.

Trying to use this chat and diary type deal to get away from that, but it’s difficult to get a good conversation for me. Need more friends that I can talk to. More friends in general woyld probably help too.

Trying to resist this lonliness. If I can last 1 more hour I’ll be 4 days from the last time I looked at porn.

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#18

Just keep going! I’m following you’re entries, so be sure that someone’s reading them :slight_smile:
I think there are also some Whatsapp/Skype conversation groups in this forum, you may wanna check them out.

#19

Thanks, it does help knowing that somebody actually reads this and that I’m not just talking to myself.

#20

Had a fight with my wife last night. She doesn’t realize how big of a trigger that can be. When we fight I feel alone, when I feel alone I turn to porn. Not an excuse, and maybe I’m just a wimo about the whole thing. Didn’t relapse, but I really want to. Kinda like, “What’s the use!” If my wife is mad and disappointed in me anyway, at least I won’t feel as alone if I go surround myself with porn for a few hours. But I know I’ll just hate myself afterwards, and that isn’t worth it.

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