Love_Hate Relationship

Need Advice
#1

I got engaged 1year back. I talked to her (2weeks) on phone first time in life because emotionally I need her badly. I felt love for her and everything in life was good.
After 2 weeks she quit to talk due to cultural values. After 6months I have managed myself without her support and it was difficult. I can’t betral her to get support from someone else. I just can’t. After 6 months Love vanished hate cames. Reason I need her and she is not available.
Hate was getting stronger and stronger with time maybe it is superEGO.

Now I am getting married with her after 11days. I am full of anger and hate. I don’t like her name, her face, her family or anything related to her.
I need to know what is happening.? What should I do. How things can get better…?

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#2

Things can only get better if you talk to her. Ask her why she was not talking? Was it really cultural values or something more? Does she love you ? Try to understand her completely before judging her.

Talk to her…

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#3

Retorting to hate someone because of ignorance and denial is natural to human soul.
I don’t know where you are coming from, and what cultural thing stops you from talking to each other, but if your to be wife is really that spiritually and culturally strong in her values, then you’re going to be a very happy man after marriage. However, I apologize in advance, but I feel that real reason is something else. You two should definitely talk about it before its too late. Probably she loves someone else, probably she doesn’t like your sticky behaviour and is only marrying you due to family pressure, maybe all that you’re thinking is really just unnecessary thoughts and your to be wife is really as good as she claims to be. But you won’t be able to know about that without talking to her.
If its the cultural thing that you can’t see her or talk to her via voice, try to message her and ask her if she can talk to you for just one time via messages, before the two of you get married. Tell her what you’re feeling and try to find out what is it thats stopping her.
I’m talking about the real reason. For that, you’ll have to earn her trust. I’ll tell you how to earn her trust. When you message her, don’t go straight away about how you’re feeling or try to know the reason. Treat her with kindness. Ask her about her health, her family’s welfare, her mental state, her recent problems and everything that will make her believe that qhether you love her or not, atleast you genuinely care about her. Don’t make it all about yourself brother. She will only understand your problem and your situations after you earn her trust, after you try to understand her problems and be with her in her tough times. Don’t look at her as something made of different material brother, she is also just a human with feelings, just like you. Life might be very tough for her as well. Probably this marriage is being forced on her, but if you stay like this and eventually get married, your married life will turn into hell, filled with toxicity, suspicion, hatred. Think about her as well, my friend. Treat her gently and kindly.
Love is a strong word, and so is hate, but they are not antonyms, antonym of either is indifference. I hope you have a very happy married life and may your wife be the person who makes your life a heaven.

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#4

Yikes, this can be really tough…
I remember when I used to get very angry if I didnt get an immediate response from someone I had feelings for. But that is a selfish and self centered way to go. We have to remember women are not just there to please us. They are people too who have their own lives. It’s very tough to see that and that is the difference between loving someone or being in lust.
I suggest you be open about this to her and ask her to help you reconstruct what you once had.
I recommend reading the book of Samuel. Amnon had a sister Tamar, whom he lusted after. But after degrading her, his hate towards her overcame whatever love he had for her.
Do not be like Amnon. Be like Jesus.
God bless you brother.

4 Likes
#5

Once I asked by favoring her it is a long journey if you don’t like to be with me it is your time to tell what you wants. It is the time we can manage anything easily. She replied she likes me and will be with me.
I m from Pakistan, a town with 10k population. I don’t think she is spiritual. She is religious and her family also. Practising Islam.
She have no mobile phone, her sister in law helped me to connect her but after some days, her brother caught her talking with me. That was a difficult day for her. Next day she talks to me for last time and told me she is no more there till we get marriage.
It was last connection. With the passage of time I lost respect of her. I was always available but she is never, talking to a person to whom one going to marry with choice is nothing wrong. I need her. I demand only phone talks. I never went her home.
I lost attraction of her with time, I don’t value or care this relationship more. I accept I need someone may be her. Wedding is getting near everyone is preparing and happy in the family. I have no good emotions for that day just some negative stucked emotions like revenge.

#6

I can’t talk to her before marriage because there is no available way. I know talking is a good way it helps. We don’t go superstition. I thinks I have to wait and observe what happens

#7

It’s ok man people can’t be there sometimes when you need them. She can have any reason. You can’t know. You must forgive her. It will be easier if you two talk before marriage. Maybe face to face visit? If possible.

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#8

Look bro, I had decided to not come here earlier, but I just remembered of your post and felt that I should atleast look at your reply so I came here. And I saw your reply. And now I have some very clear advice for you.
I am from North India, where there are places like yours, with similar cultural values. Even if you’ll go to my village today, you’ll find it no different than how it was 200 years ago.
And hence, I will tell you this. Stop overthinking. This girl is perfect for you. You have no idea about how the people in the outside world are. You don’t realize the value of this gem of a woman you are being gifted with. I understand how you’re feeling, but don’t be stupid and think that she has deliberately done anything to you. She loves you more than you know. So, don’t be stupid brother. These negative thoughts of revenge, anger, hatred and entitlement will subside like the vapours when the heat of her love will come close to them. Don’t let your addicted mind play tricks with you, or you may end up with the feelings of guilt, regret and sadness for the rest of your life. Don’t think about anything else. You have no idea about the kind of attention women receive these days, but despite of all of that, she has decided to wait for you. You need to treat her with kindness, love and respect brother. I understand your problem, and I seriously feel that you don’t need to talk to her before marriage, but you do need to clear your mind of all the negative thoughts, and understand that she wants you just as much as you have wanted her. Don’t let your mind tell you that you hate her, this porn addicted brains wants you to be in its grip all the time and doesn’t want you to experience the real feeling of love. You still love her, don’t betray the real person in your soul.
You are probably going to be the happiest person after marriage with the kind of girl who is going to be your wife (as per your description).

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#9

Thanks for your ointment words…

By sharing my conditions or emotions here on form I got some relaxation from my psychology pain body. My Thinking mind which is always projecting past and future.
I am away from PMO and have energy. My Ego is using my energy for unconscious and addictive traps like false self identity, control, hate or revenge. Maybe is it the main and basic problem. It was causing trouble people around me. I am doing finical expanses, gathering, big step like marriage and have no good feelings.

It is my first duty From today I must divert my energy to presence in present moment. I must not to see helf empty glass but other side. I forgives myself and her. Maybe soon I get success to transmute negative energy of emotions in to some thing positive.
I never think to betral in this relationship even things were hard.
Maybe it was nature behind the suffering of this scenario to teach me or to ready me for something. Or whatever. I took the way with that person with acceptance, respect, growing and faith…

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#10

Last day I married :tada: her. Had a really great conversation of 10 hours all night. Now Seems she is a wonderful blessing. Seems all not good conditions of past like addictive and confused mind and emotional patterns (when she was not available) are vanished in a moment. Now It is time for constructive conditions.

Once again I thanks you :heart_eyes: that you realized me my mind games and its distractive traps some time ago. It helped in a lot in different ways.

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#11

I am glad that my advice helped you, brother. Congratulations on getting married to such a wonderful lady and even more congratulations on overcoming your mental challenges. I hope you have a very happy married life which lasts till eternity. Take care bro.

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