My ex accepted my insta request. A bit worried because my last relapse was related to her. I had done 16 of no porn. I had done 3 months of no contact with my ex. Thought I was ready to reach out and ‘move on’, maybe be friends, but it hit me harder than i expected. That week I worried, wondered, about what could have been. That week I had relapses like every other day, and 2 consecutive days even.
So I have come further in my personal growth. In accepting that the past is in the past. But I will be careful as to not spiral due to her photos of us or the ones after me.
Early upload since I have a lot to get done today.
Am feeling good about the progress. I put on my gold chain and feel the self worth that I have. It is important to do things that add value to your life. And same goes to the gold chain I got myself. When I wear it si feel like there is no chance I am going to take an L. Because I am literally adding value to my life by wearing something valuable.
Normally I am not one for bling bling, nor expensive watches or clothes.
But this is my diary and I will say it how I see it. Dress nice, get a nice hair cut, look the part that you want to play in your life. Send yourself positive messages verbally like «I will manage [enter challenge here] >
Early morning, lots to do, but all is well. I am a man in form. Enjoying the good times too much to let some urges get me to spiral back to when I was half the man I am today.
Early entry today. Want to talk about that feeling I often get after doing something good and thinking I could have done something better. Like it wasn’t perfect. I gave Xmas presents to the fam and everyone was happy, but then I get this feeling like I didn’t say enough or bring enough energy. But I think perfection is stupid, the important thing is intention, and in the end of the day everyone is happy, so why do I have this feeling. Probably just tired. Most likely it’s the added pressure after missing last years x mas which I spent with my GF at the time.
I know this has nothing to do with porn and shit, but the old me might well have watched something to feel better,instead I am trying to process this uncomfortable sensation.
So to try to change my mindset. Everyone is happy with their presents, so that’s it, success.
Am still not using any sexual stimuli
Therefore nothing to regret or overthink. All is well.
It’s good to know that your family got such an awesome christmas! But how did you feel? It was happy for you too! Remember that it’s also important to look out for yourself a bit! Regardless, it’s cool to see how much your mindset has changed in your journey
I missed a day of writing here and definitely missed the Daily reflektion. Have enjoyed some quality time with the family. Urges have not been occurring so feel lucky. It is nice to have such good company around which has definitely not given me a lot of alone time which is usually when I’m the most vulnerable.
Spending time with fam so no urges to report. Watching a lot of football and tomorrow will get in some physical exercise.
On a side note I am getting better at communicating because it is not always easy to let go of sibling roles from long ago when you meet as adults. Still some work to do on that front, but before my mindset was different and misunderstandings often led to trying to release unmet emotional needs through watching porn.
But now I accept that I have work to do, and that misunderstandings happen but there are more productive and meaningful ways to go about it.
Was a day filled with kite surfing so am physically exhausted and mentally dead. Couldn’t be happier since there is literally no energy in me to get excited about anything but my bed.
Had a nice New Years Eve with the family.
Am happy that I only had one relapse in December and since then I have been on this rewire community and doing my diary as often as I can.
A new year does not change anything significant but it is nice to take stock on the progress made. We kick on in 2021 from here.
Feels great to kick on in January from where I Finished 2020. Have somehow passed 30 days, which I always thought of as a great challenge, without really thinking too much about it.
My New Years résolution is to:
1.quit porn =on track
2.stop smoking=occasional habit but want to cut that shit.
3.no alcohol=occasional drinker, but maybe I will kick the can for good.
Am finding that I have a lot more self control over my urges and it is something more in the back in my mind than a daily battle.
Porn Is something I have not even typed in a google search for a long time, and same with going incognito.
Not that I am a believer in no fap but I will give myself a week challenge just to improve my self control over sexual urges in general and when I decide to masterbate.
