Dear Diary,
day 0 - day 1. Now Day 2;
Day 1 was an even plateau without emotion nor carelessness.
Day 2 - I wish to stay diligent and cooly tempered towards reality and truth.
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Dear Diary,
I will help this man with everything I could, I wish him the best of luck and if he needs me I’ll be on his side
Go on buddy!!! I dare you to show them who you are 
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Woah, energetic name, lol.
All the best bro.
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I’ve been fighting over NoFap and Fap
One part says; calling yourself an addict, keeps you an addict. NoFap is a pointless and endless cycle.
I keep coming back to the app because I want that boost and motivation to set me straight and propel me on the right path.
But the simple answer is, just don’t Fap if it’s not making you happy.
We don’t have to call ourselves addicts - but we do have to recognise there is a problem.
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(Tues 15th Nov '22)
Back here journalling:
Where to begin?
What to reflect on?
What thoughts to emotionally avoid?
How to account and be honest?
How to acquire a healthy disposition?
What realistic goals to set and how to be consistent?
Beginning is a good start, wanting it consistent is wise.
~ A good basis for some realistic goals.
Simply put; Keep getting up!
Alone isn’t enough, but saying it aloud, is.
~ A step towards transparency.
I’m triggered -and was yesterday- when taking past wrongs in thought to negative conclusions.
Even applying myself here can be triggering.
THAT my friend, IS, ADDICTION
~ feelings of discomfort, feeling the “need” to reach for my comfort blanket.
Look, “WE” live in a world with lots of others.
Discomfort is inevitable.
Life is alive, breathing and resounding.
The murmuring is good, and we sleep soundly while the rain patters at our window.
The sun will rise in the morning and we’ve already made a step in being closer to hearing God through all the trash we’ve put (or allowed) into our minds.
God is at the end of the tunnel.
God is calling us. God does communicate.
We don’t have to be embroiled in the world and constantly triggered by it.
The rain falls on us and we deal with it, I’d even say we enjoy it - the forces of nature, truth and knowing our own limits.
God is Good, He is Light, He is Joy.
He is what He wants best for us.
God doesn’t ask for sacrifice but a pure and contrite heart.
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Wed 16th
This morning I woke up earlier, but without any plans or a routine to compliment it my addictive side reached for my phone. I was, and have been, hoping for some signs, a dream or something to guide me in making a decision, and finding the right choice to walk that path - perhaps there isn’t an answer, maybe there is… I could go on, but one thing is certain; the day has started, and I want to be in God’s presence. I don’t need to fret about choices, and I certainly don’t need to fall down from past mistakes but be humbled by them, and only fall down to my knees towards God - Saviour of my soul
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Thurs 17th
Relapsed
What have I learnt?
Start accepting myself that I may never be completely free & clean of this sin but humbled by it.
My weakness is my strength, an extremely fine line between surrendering and making the effort.
I want to accept myself and faults.
I want to see the back of this addiction and how it negatively impacts my life and character.
I don’t want to damn myself by this sin, and also not by despair - but stand up against it and the forces that lead to darkness.
Would I want someone else to be hurt, kept down, judged, and made to feel despair because of their sin?
My sin is always before me and before God. He is my Judge to who I am responsible, to His Mercy we are all bound.
Wash me daily of my sin, O Lord, that I may be grateful, fully reliant and fully trusting in You, in Your Grace to lift me out of my personal hell.
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Saturday 19th
About Freedom,
The desire for woman, is what is holding one back.
Desiring a particular person, that desire has the power take a hold of our lives.
Is it not the same as giving away oneself?
Am I not giving away my freedom to pmo?
Has it not taken a hold on my life?
I am not free in the world, with my possessions -
my desires, my relationships and my ideas.
But I am free to let them go and Trust…
About PMO,
Didn’t CS Lewis say something along the lines…
“in it, we have a harem of ladies at our choosing, always ready, always available, with no needs, that we might adore ourselves in that pleasure without ever making an effort, or ever getting the real rewards”
About nofap,
"Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back… Concerning all acts of initiative and creation there is one elementary truth… that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred… Whatever you can do or dream, you can begin it.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Thurs 24th Nov
I’ve currently been away on a break, and also taking part in a religious nofap challenge/aid @ strive21.com
Here’s an excerpt from Day 3
What the Problem Isn’t
Day 3
“The sexual urge is meant to draw us not simply toward the body, but the body of a person. Hence, an initial sensual reaction is meant to orient us toward personal communion, not just bodily union. It can serve as an ingredient of authentic love.”
- Dr. Edward Sri, Theologian and Author
When God made us men, with a seemingly insatiable hunger, He didn’t say “Behold, it is very sinful, dirty, and evil. Let Me tone this one down a bit.” No, He proclaimed “Behold, it is very good!” Our God is a God of wonders. He made an achingly beautiful world and invites us into this “terrible beauty” that He has created to draw us back to Him.
With confidence in us, He calls us to self-mastery—to channel this good fire, not by repressing it but by releasing it in powerful, life-giving ways. Together in these days, we’ll learn how to reconcile ourselves to our natural greatness. It starts with naming the goodness of His creation—the good in us.
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Sat 26th Nov
Watching p is making me selfish and an ignorant low-life
Good quote one to remember
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It’s a bit negative. It won’t always help, but at least it does say something true of myself 
Last week’s thoughts:
Would I have done things differently?
They are all things up in the air, with pros and cons.
Would I have worked towards buying my own house?
Studying something different?
Having a different career?
Finding my faith earlier on?
Sticking to one girl?
But porn? Smoking? And weed? Yes, definitely those.
Reality:
“I’ve been plummeting.
Relapsing this evening on Day 1 from Day 1 from something of a streak”
Some musings:
-Thoughts about this addiction
And understanding my shame:
Reality is chicks are hot - sexuality is a major player in our lives, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it.
Let’s be okay with ourselves, realising it’s part of our nature - The world is in hyperdrive And it’d be damn foolish to measure ourselves against the world, and not the spirit.
People are good and alright, And we have goodness within us.
But we should be wary of the public and the changing world, and Hold to what is long lasting and unshakeable.
Believe and trust in God.
In Him is our Mercy, Forgiveness and Understanding.
In Him is our Home.
From Him we came and back to Him we will go.
Back to the day post relapse:
In short, I played some piano, and slowly getting to grips with a new piece and messed about a bit.
Then worked with some clients, which went well.
Meeting other people, working, doing something good (like - working well with others, or mastering a skill) pleases the soul, and gives a sense of satisfaction - contentment.
I can master a new skill, and move towards its goal, like learning piano and decent sight reading, to be able to perform, play with and for other people, and for my own soul - the piano is a great instrument, and music harmony is a vast and interesting phenomena.
Making a tonal landscape, searching experimenting, learning, and expressing something, we find oneself in the process and much joy & creativity.
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Having other challenge beside nofap, and committing to it will help. Like you said building a skill would be great.
God’s with you, he loves you, he’s with you always. Start again and go stronger this time.
If you have piano challenge, or suggestions to work on sight reading, I’m I’ll take it 
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@Rab_J Thanks dude. God bless you.
Piano challenge, you say? Well it depends on your level,
I’m only really starting, though a long standing musician. I’m at 4 part harmony scale. How about? Are you doing your Chopin studies? 
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Hehehe Chopin’s gonna kill me,
I’ve done couple nocturns in the past, tried others but gave up on it
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What do you mean by 4 part harmony scale
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I can understand.
I started learning part of The Mephisto Waltz by Liszt, I can’t do the arpeggios up to speed, but I love the chords.
I see you’re a Christian, why not build up a repertoire of Christian music?
4 part harmony - I mean SATB. Soprano, Alto, Tenor and Bass. 4 part Choir singing.
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Wow, u picked something hard
Nice
Not sure what you mean,
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