Lavoun's diary: Nothing to lose

Gender: Male
Age: 19
Relationships: 0
Not too much to write at this moment. I have no work and studies. No any reason or motivation to do this. I’ll just do it. First aim is 3 hours of nofap. I’m going to write anything related to my journey here immediately.

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3 hours completed! Actually they are completed 6 hours ago, hahaha! Ok, IDK how successful they are, because that 3 hours were spent on the youtube. Not any bad content anyway. Now I accept my 4 hours of nofap challenge. It’s night here, and the most usual time for me, so it’s gonna be harder! But I don’t care.

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4 hours at night were ok. I didn’t sleep much. But I made those 4 hours of nofap. Accepting 5 hours challenge. No changes yet, no reasons and motivation. Everything is still. If you have anything to write for me, I’d read.

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There’s a reason I do not sleep at night.
I hate it when parents call me for like dinner or simply talking with me. I just want to spend an hour without them. The only chance is the night, when they sleep.

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Sad thing is your parents probably love you dearly. Wish you’d realize the problem isn’t anyone else.

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I don’t say my parents or anyone else is the problem. I say, the problem is the situation.

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So… why hate them?

Where did I say I hate them? I just try to avoid them…

You’re right I read that wrong. But I’m pretty sure I have read you write that you hated them before. All this hatred isn’t good for you. Your life could be so much better than this man. But atleast you’re making strives towards bettering yourself so well done.

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The addiction made me lose my emotions, so even anger is something.

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5 hours in! It wasn’t easy at all, I was very urgy… Not sure about next challenge yet…

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I’m accepting the next challenge. 6 hours nofap… It’s 10 pm here, probably I will be sleeping during the challenge. The hardest time is the night!

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11:50 a.m. Good morning. Oh it’s gonna be afternoon in 10 minutes. Ok, 6 hours challenge completed. I remember, that I was near to have a nightfall at night, but I woke up and changed my position. Will talk about small changes after completing 7 hours of nofap challenge, which I accept right now.

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7 hours of nofap challenge completed! What’s so far?
I still don’t know why am I doing this! Like, really, for who or for what? Maybe for all the people I hate? Maybe for I don’t know how to make money and what to spend them on? For I don’t have a car and don’t know how to drive it? For… eating? Sleeping?.. I’m doing this for no reason yet.
Any improvement?
Yeah, 20% happier. 0 * 1,2 = 0.
Today my dad woke me up to have a dinner. With his friends. They don’t know me, I don’t know them. One of them was feeling bad for a moment, I went to the nearest pharmacy which is 3 km away.
The fucking person I’m seeing very first time and trying to be nice with. The very first sentence I’ve heard from him was something that was to make fun of me. And then the whole conversation. Ok, it’s fucking funny for them, I’m glad I can make people be a little happier. So the improvement is, I could ignore them, and conceal my emotions. They were also talking about their whore fucking adventures and how “cool” they are, and were comparing their photos.
Next challenge is 8 hours of nofap. It’s night here, so most of this time I will be sleeping.

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I failed 8 hours of nofap challenge. I watched porn and masturbated to it. No need to talk about the reason, it’s just a mindset question. Starting again the challenge chain. 1 hour of nofap starting now.

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1 hour in. And it was way harder than 7 hours were before relapse. I feel some chemicals jumping in my entire body. But small aims are going to work perfectly. 2 hour of nofap challenge accepted.

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2 hours in. It’s great I could resist these 2 hours, because it seems like the urges are 3-4 times stronger after the night relapse. Why is it that? Also I’m very angry. I want to hurt myself.
3 hours of nofap starting now.

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3 hours are well done. But why is it this hard? Is it because I didn’t binge last time?
Will try to be clear next 4 hours.

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The next is 5 hours challenge. Gonna be easier.

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Urges are what the idle brain choose. I’m just being busier.

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