Kings Diary [M 22]

All my life i been struggling. I Can’t even say i try hard enough because i always relapse. To be honest, the cause of all my relapses is because I’m truly not done with it deep down because of the pleasure it gives off. And the fantasy of all your thoughts you have, you can find in any video. Whatever you like, or whatever gets your engine going you can search it up, and someone has performed it on a video, or wrote it in a book for you to please yourself to until you orgasm… The excitement it gives off is so good to me! Until i relapse… Now i feel bad, complaining how much i hate myself, the depressive thoughts. Negative energy i carry around, the self doubt i have, the feeling of loneliness, etc. I can’t keep ruining my life, but I’m so addicted. It’s like my addiction laughs at me when i try to quit because it knows I’ll be back very soon. I’ll get a good streak going for a couple of days, be motivated to conquer this addiction. I actually start to feel good about myself because I’m making progess, motivating others on not to watch porn or relapse. Taking on the role a leader to lead by example… Then BOOM! Here i am watching porn, pleasing myself again. Nothing else matters when im looking at porn because it feels so good to me, i can care less about anything else. Then the thoughts of my spirit telling me to “stop, you’re better than this” or “why are you doing this? Its not right” or “you’re going to feel bad after you relapse just stop now!” … I ignore those thoughts of telling me the right thing to do. But instead i listen to the negative thoughts telling me to ““keep going, it feels to good to stop”” Or ““you’re here now, why stop? Just keep going”” Or ““just do it, you’ll feel better and relaxed afterwards, one time won’t hurt”” Or ““you know this is what you want, go watch porn and please yourself””… Then after I’m all done, i feel like an complete idiot because i failed myself again. I’m not here for a ““NoFap Challenge”” I’m here to change my life with the support of others that’s going through the same thing. I want to stop and never look back. But i can’t, why? Because i love the orgasm, the fantasy world of porn. I know it’s not right. but why is it that all the wrong things feel so good? Why is sex so good? Why do almost everyone crave sex? What’s feels better than sex? I need to stop. Right now I’m on day 1 of my journey, I’ll be on day 2 in a couple of hours. In order for me to stop, i have to be completely honest with myself in order for me to stop. I love watching porn, i love masturbating, and i LOVE the orgasm, and i need to hate it! This is going to be a very difficult journey. Those of you who are reading this, don’t count your days of how long you can go without porn, or do a 90 day challenge. Or monk mode. Because what are you going to do after your “challenge” is complete?
Relapse again? This shouldn’t be a challenge, this should be a “LifeStyle”. If anything, Just Change. That should be all of our “Challenge” which is to change this dirty habit that we all enjoy for good. Those who read this, be honest with yourself in all aspects of your life, and you’ll make progress. I wish you all the best of prosperity. Have a nice day

                                                     Sincerely, King

It’s so fascinating hearing this. It feels as if I have written it on my own :persevere:

I think you are pursuing the right way! I myself tried (and found) a way to think negatively about every aspect of my addiction. It makes it much easier. Especially, I have the feeling that there will be a time when I won’t have to think about the temptation anymore! (cold showers against every single urge for the rest of our life can’t be the solution :sweat_smile: )

But don’t forget that you still need to fight for a certain time. As you said. your thoughts will scream at you for some weeks or even months and you have to scream back at them with force. That’s why I subscribed to the 90 days challenge.

I think that a combination of both leads to the success we all want.

Keep going and you will find out that what porn gives you is not happiness at all. Happiness is found in everyday activities. The longer and harder you have to work for an achievement the happier you will be. These short fixes of porn seem to make you happy but this is just a lie of your brain and hormones