Its Day 2. Today , Im feeling extremely disinterested in whatever Im doing. I have lost the zeal , energy and enthusiasm. Everything is too boring to tolerate. Head aches are ruining me. Moreover , I cant focus on my studies !
A New Habit
Since last week , I had developed a habit of enjoying the beauty of nature to forget my painful past as fast as possible
Everyday , I admire the greenery of trees as I watch them from my balcony.
<Not my balcony, but similar to this>
Everyday I watch the Moon , and its shine , before going to bed.
How it felt before relapse? On Day 5
Before my previous relapse, It used to be difficult for me to turn away my eyes from the nature’s extreme beauty . I used to be spellbound to the Beautiful Shine Of Moon. I loved it , spending time in the lap of nature.
" A thing of Beauty is A Joy Forever. "- Keats
Feelings After Relapse ( Day 2)
Im Not getting the same HIGH as I used to get earlier
Now It feels like Nature has lost its beauty
It has lost its ability to hold me. But thats Not Truth Entirely. Most appropriately, I have lost the ability to hold ON the beauty of Nature
Last Night, it was FULL MOON
The Bright Moon
in the Dark sky
still shines .
Its pretty, But
its Not beautiful.
The Vast Nature
is still the same,
Lush and green,
But Not beautiful.
Birds are still
Its Not Melodious
As it was,
still the Same
I have Only changed
Its for the first time in my life , I realised how things changed drastically after relapse.
NEVER expected a Relapse will COST me so much.
A bit of cheap pleasure at the cost of Infinite true pleasure of Nature.
For the first time in my life , I realised the difference between PRETTY and BEAUTIFUL . My last relapse and new habit have given me a new deeper insight.
Masturbation is all about external happiness. It is LUST not LOVE , EXTERNAL not INTERNAL, FAKE not REAL.
As John Keats said" A thing of Beauty is A Joy Forever " There is No Forever Joy in Masturbation, means that Thing of Beauty is Not Real
All What I can Do NOW is to Wait and patiently give the time required for reboot
So Its just gonna take time !!!