Its Day 2. Today , Im feeling extremely disinterested in whatever Im doing. I have lost the zeal , energy and enthusiasm. Everything is too boring to tolerate. Head aches are ruining me. Moreover , I cant focus on my studies !
A New Habit
Since last week , I had developed a habit of enjoying the beauty of nature to forget my painful past as fast as possible
Everyday , I admire the greenery of trees as I watch them from my balcony.
<Not my balcony, but similar to this>
Everyday I watch the Moon , and its shine , before going to bed.
How it felt before relapse? On Day 5
Before my previous relapse, It used to be difficult for me to turn away my eyes from the nature’s extreme beauty . I used to be spellbound to the Beautiful Shine Of Moon. I loved it , spending time in the lap of nature.
" A thing of Beauty is A Joy Forever. "- Keats
Feelings After Relapse ( Day 2)
Now It feels like Nature has lost its beauty
It has lost its ability to hold me. But thats Not Truth. Most appropriately, it appears that I have lost the ability to hold ON the beauty of Nature
Last Night, it was FULL MOON
The Moon shines
It still seems pretty,
But , its Not beautiful.
The nature is still the same,
Lush and green,
But Not beautiful.
Everything is Same
I have Only changed
Its for the first time in my life , I realised how things changed drastically after relapse.
NEVER expected a Relapse will COST me so much.
A bit of cheap pleasure at the cost of Infinite true pleasure of Nature.
For the first time in my life , I realised the difference between PRETTY and BEAUTIFUL . My last relapse and new habit has given me a new insight.
Masturbation is all about external happiness. It is LUST not LOVE , EXTERNAL not INTERNAL, FAKE not REAL.
As John Keats said" A thing of Beauty is A Joy Forever " There is No Forever Joy in Masturbation, means that Thing of Beauty is Not Real
All What I can Do NOW is to Wait and patiently give the time required for reboot
So Its just gonna take time !!!