~ K-DEB's Journey ~

After 14 days and 9 hours, I relapsed. This is my longest streak so far in years. This gives me a newfound courage to deal with this. I have always wanted to be a better version of myself, and now is my chance to do it. I will share my experiences and thoughts here from time to time. I hope to find some pal’s to accompany me in this journey!

Let’s all keep moving forward together… :heart::v:t4:

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I was the prey of chaser effect yesterday. Relapsed back to back two times. Partly because I was tired and didn’t sleep well, and for that my daily routine got disrupted. I have this unhealthy perfectionist mindset where I have to do everything as I’ve thought, or else I’ll give up. I need to overcome this also. From last night, I maintained my routine as usual, and today I’ve done all my chores, daily works and due to-do lists. The pornographic and erotic thoughts lingered for some time in my head, but that was gone after I’ve made myself busy with other works.

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Another relapse last night. The urges are not strong, but the more I pay attention to it, the more tempting it becomes. I’m sensing the pattern. I’m still lacking necessary discipline. I’ll have to be more attentive from today. The key is simple, indulge yourself in other things so much that you don’t have time for this. Your body doesn’t need it, your brain Just ‘wants’ it!

The chaser effect hits hard! Relapsed again today at morning. It’s like once the gate is open, there is a flood of triggers and meaningless soulless lust. Resisting them doesn’t feel hard, but it feels like someone is snatching my power to resist. It’s a mixed bag of feelings. But one thing I’m trying to do is to not feel regret or guilt, because from experience I know from there things start to go crazy! These are my slips, but I’m still on the mountain, and I have to be more resilient than before. My target is to maintain my streak for more than 15 days. But if I keep focusing on that, it’ll be harder. I need to focus more on what to do than what not to do.

I never realised how dangerous Chaser effect can be until now! Relapsed back to back 4-5 times! And it all came down to a single decision! After a long streak, this occurrence of these relapses made me understand some things:

  1. When your brain is addicted to something, and you allow it even once to do the thing again (cause can be boredom, curiosity, doesn’t matter), it starts to overpower you again. This constant struggle between you and your brain will be a part of your life now, until you completely tame it! Accept this fact completely.

  2. You are as weak as you allow yourself to be. Control over mind is nothing but controlling your actions. You can not control your thoughts always, but you can control your actions, and that makes a lot of difference.

  3. Make yourself busy into doing productive things. The primary goal is not to stop PMO, but to make your life and time productive. Once you embrace a productive mindset, it automatically filters out PMO.

  4. In this era, It’s actually very tough to stay away from triggering elements, almost the whole world is sexualized. Running from the triggers will make us more exhausted, and eventually relapsing. We have to grow a perspective and mindset that is no longer affected by triggers. We need to start respecting the art of sex.

Earlier, after such relapses I used to go to a guilt trip and gave in to more relapses! But now I’m finding a sense of purpose even after these relapses. It’s like I’m finally understanding that I’m responsible for my life, but my future potential can not be defined by the actions I’ve taken in the past! If I have to fight, I’ll fight till my last breath. But giving up is not an option.

Trying to stay grateful for having the opportunity to make myself better! Every failure in every action can ultimately be traced back to Ego! The audacity to think I can keep doing this anytime, anywhere I want, without even breaking a sweat! No you can’t! There is a difference between overconfidence and confidence, Ego and knowing your actual capacity! The goal is to make life better, productive, not to be smug about crossing some threshold or achieving some streak! Celebrate your growth, but stay away from pride and vanity! You shouldn’t expect to be worshipped by doing what you are supposed to do!

Staying happy and grateful for life, for every opportunity to choose and be free from the oppression of senses, that’s a gift! Cherish it, and make it count!