JonSnow's blog - Turn the page

You are doing great Brother. Your diary entries motivate us to carry on with this journey. Keep going; your improvement is evident in these posts. Kudos to you :+1::+1:

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Great man.
This message gives me immense hope😭.
Grateful for this . I hope one day I will also achieve the life I want.
A life without lust.

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Thank you guys @Tagore @pingpong1

@pingpong1 you will definitely achieve bro… Keep fighting :muscle:

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Day 143

Stages of my life

  1. THE GOOD GUY - THE BEGINNING

(Between 8th to 12th standard, till 2011)

Funny, sense of humor, childish, never rude, calm, a bit sensitive, never looks at women, never talks to women, no bad habits, infact hated them, good Christian that follows rules but not born again…

  1. THE FLIRTER - ITS A GOOD LIFE

(Between 1st and 3rd year of Graduation, till 2014)

talks with women, looks at women, calm, never rude, still sensitive, lots of dating and hookups, no bad habits, some PMO, an okay Christian,still not born again.

  1. THE ADDICT - ROCK AND ROLL

(Between 3rd and 4th year of graduation,till 2015)

Cigs 25 a day, another addiction (also a lot of it), drinking occasionally, girls, hookups, full on PMO mode… All of it is 24x7.

  1. RECOVERING ADDICT - THE CONSEQUENCES

(Between 4th and 8th year of graduation, till 2019)

full on PMO, quit cigs, quit the other one too, stopped drinking, no women and no hookups (too busy with side effects), Anxiety disorder (1000% severity), brain fog, no happiness, identified myself as agnostic, but small steps for my road to recovery started here…

  1. ALMOST RECOVERED ADDICT - SOME FLICKERING LIGHTS AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

(Between 8th and 9th year of my graduation, till july 2020)

medication, therapy, time off from college and resumed after 6 months, girlfriend, resumed talks with other women, full on PMO, managing anxiety better ( 10 % severity ) , brain fog still there, fixed my study issues. Between Christian and agnostic.

  1. RECOVERED ADDICT - AFTER ALL THERE IS LIGHT

(from july 2020 to present day)

Graduated, stopped talking with all the other women, started no PMO, broke up with girlfriend, most of the anxiety gone (3% severity)… Christian now (not sure about born again part yet but I confessed, I know that he has a plan for me), cool again, calm again, no brain fog, no bad habits at all, infact I hate them, no women too and I’d like to keep it that way till marriage.

  1. BEST VERSION OF MYSELF - THE BEGINNING PART 2

(Its Upcoming)

sense of humor should return, being funny should return, anxiety should be with 0% severity, job hopefully soon, marriage after my job… Have to be an even better Christian, thirst about knowing god has started, asking god to prepare me for baptism.

Its The beginning of the next phase of my life, excited. The best part is, I am not confused if stage 7 will arrive, I know its coming, I can feel it and I am with patience.

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Good man! Keep at it bro! You are an inspiration to us all, a perfect example of how patience and persistence with nofap can change one’s life!

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Day 147

These are the thought behaviors that helped me with quitting cigs, another addiction and now this PMO. I thought, may be this can help some of you guys in resisting urges, or may be this could give an idea or two to you to figure out your own ways to battle this PMO addiction. Or may be you can share the way that works for you, so that I can add some more weapons to my Arsenal. Apologies for the long description…

  1. Behavior 1 - Not today

I just keep extending my relapse… Like in game of thrones, what do we say to dealth? NOT TODAY. Instead of today, now I say not till I reach 150. When I reach 150, I say not till I reach 200…it goes on…

  1. Behavior 2 - For the side effects of PMO (if they happen)

Actually I didn’t even notice when the flatline happened. Or did it even happen? In my view, knowing what happens in the process over complicates things for me. I am like did it come? Or okay it came and left. Oh no, its so hard, m soo moody. So all that is avoidable for me, if I dont associate them with no PMO. If I am moody, or angry, I try to do some fun stuff. Some comedies. I dont really put much attention on feelings. Whatever happens, let it happen. I am quitting and I am going to keep going. One of the reasons why I dont go too deep about chaser effect, all in the head, in my view.

  1. Behavior 3 - Whatever happens

I Just want go on a long streak not caring what happens to me along the way. I call it, ’ the whatever happens scenario’.

Imagine worst thing that could happen, physical, emotional or external factors , and I say, even if that happens, I would not relapse. So I am essentially eliminating excuses.

  1. Behavior 4 - The head and the heart

I imagine that we are two people. One is our head, other is our heart. Head is addicted, our heart wants best for us. While head, it just wants its dopamine. So basically it doesn’t listen to us. When the urges hit, our head stops our heart from talking… So only head speaks, even if heart talks, head has counter arguments to make us relapse. Sometimes heart somehow wins (motivation comes in here), but head is way too stronger, it doesn’t give up. So sometimes it doesn’t let heart speak. Then we relapse as we only think of a short term advantage.

Head uses, a lot of stuff, especially our weakness against us to make us relapse. The key is to know how head convinces us, even during an urge even when we are in an actual crisis, A situation where there’s none doing our talks for us. Head even creates actual crisis too, there are countless things it can do. Just know that.

When it happens, I tell my head, dude you are doing it again. Alright, bring it on, just know that, no matter what you say, I am just not relapsing, I know your tricks. So then the head shuts up, heart takes control. Then we feel better that we didnt relapse and overcame an urge. It tries again next time, same thing happens. Sometimes head almost wins but I figure out at the last moment.

Its generally is not a common notion, doesn’t work that way I know but just giving you guys an alternate view.

Or we can think. Head is like a child, it wants what it wants and it shout cries breaks all of it. While the adult which is us have to know its tantrums instead of giving it what it wants.

If we combine head and heart and say I am feeling like relapsing, its hard for me. While I say, okay my head wants dopamine. But as its in my control as it’s a part of my body. So no, not today. Suffer if you want but I am not giving you your dose.

Its just a weird way that works for me :joy:

  1. Why we relapse?

The biggest problem is our error in my view. We take it for granted, we want fun, we cant forsee whats the most important, right now or the future when the urges hit, that is what we should focus mainly on. We have to train our head for that, to notice the longer term plan than the short when shit happens.

  1. Some Motivation.

when stuff happens, when we got no way out, our bodies are gonna fight like hell for ourselves. Thats the strength of being a human. Nothing can sink us no matter how worst of a situation we are in. The only problem is, us. we can’t seem to believe if we can go through it. We can always go through it if we have resilience, again, lack of that is relapse. Not because we cant, because we wont…

Most of us give up because of urges. I think, without urges, we cant quit any. Its not the urges, its us. We are not still in fighting for ourselves zone yet. Still in a lets see how it goes zone. So we have to tell ourselves repeatedly why its fighting for ourselves zone. Mostly we are in a middle zone where we say it’s fight for ourselves but believe is it so? So we should find right sentences on why it is so, and kind of mediate on it, or tell yourself and believe it (Twist some facts if you want, just enough to help us keep going) So then, we are fighting for ourselves with our backs against the wall, like our lives on the line, and any hurdle seems lesser than our life being on the line.

  1. How things work for me ?

So, when I want to relapse, i think I have mentioned some contingency plans I bring up to make sure I dont relapse. If one thinking fails, another, if that fails another. So I kinda think these repeatedly at the start and change them sometimes in the middle, when ever I want, such that they help me to quit instead of making me relapse.

So basically I have a long term plan and short-term one sometimes. Longterm 6 months, or 2 years. Some blurry line there but its back of my head, I don’t bring it up, else things become too much overwhelming. But if we dont recognize it, our head keeps saying we are cured after 90 days.

Now reality…

7 day plans till I reach 30 days.
Then,I start 30 day plans till I reach 90.
Then 10 days to reach 100. ( the hardest phase, in my view),
Then 50 days plans, which I am in. So it increases for me. If its weekly plans after 90 days, I have to think about relapsing every one week (Like I said, I just extend the relapse). So I have to challenge myself too. So now, I think about whether I should relapse after 50 days. Once I finish that plan, then again longterm plans comes in. Then I stay on the streak and make new plan, another 50 days hoping may be I could relapse after another 50 days. This repeats. And in between when urges come, I mentioned other stuff, the brain and the heart thing and others. If I mention these general plans after 90 days or after each challenge, my mind convinces that I am cured. Hence we need the long term mindset too. And the whatever happens scenario is always on my mind, every single day, urges or not.

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Proud to reach 5 months of No PMO (150 Days)…

On day 151, Target 200 now.

Next 2 days are key for me to make sure I dont relapse, which I will make sure.

I was a little anxious and have a bit of insomnia last two days. Probably not related to NO PMO, but its not new for me, I have been through it before and I will come out of it in a day or two.

I had back to back bad news, was not selected in 3 of the exams I wrote. Doesn’t matter though, it only means something big is incoming. I prayed to god, to do his will, so I guess being selected in those exams is not his will. Onto the next exam, wont stop studying till I find a job :blush::muscle:.

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The number 147 is really unlucky for me. As I had relapsed on this day, still feeling depressed and searching for an answer - why did I did that? :pensive:

But you don’t do brother. I can tell you from the regression that I feel. Stay awesome.

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Dont be depressed. You can make another 147 happen, or may be a 1000? History cant be made without failures :blush:

Yeah I wont, I will make sure of that. Thanks for the suggestion.

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Dude you can easily complete 1000 days
I guess :joy::grin:
Just to add one idea according the name of this topic…
Listening uplifting songs always helped me (though I am on day 4 ) but they always dust off the urges

Some good ones are…
Hall Of Fame
Nights By AVICII
Favorite Girl
Play Date

Add more of yours too @JonSnow001 :wink:

[BTW anybody AVICII’s Fan here?]

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Well, the current plan is not to masturbate ever… After marriage, just the Intercourse and no masturbation. Lets see how far I go… :blush:, I dont listen to songs during an urge honestly… I just wait it out, or sometimes pray. Also urges decreased a lot now…

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:+1::+1: keep Movin’…:sparkles::v:

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Will try out your list of songs :blush::+1:

Thank you.

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Day 152

Still can’t believe that I crossed 150. Time flew so quick. I still remember how much of an addict I was to P and M like it was yesterday. Now, complete mindset change. I know its wrong so i know I shouldn’t do it, I know its unhealthy for me, I know its not even religious, so whats the point in even doing it?

But, I miss the pleasure, badly. So, the only option left is the real thing. Everyday I think about marriage (not the pleasure act), because quicker that happens, quicker I can relax. I could go online and find someone, but as I have already decided that I will wait for it, so no other way around. When I create a boundary in my life, I will fight to stay inside it, no matter what… But marriage wont happen soon, because I have to get settled first… So atleast a year or two to go… So resisting myself literally to something like a monk mode, is super duper hard. But I will fight for it, and I know that it will teach me self control in return.

Every good thing we do has a positive effect on our life and every wrong thing we do has a negative consequence.

We did PMO, currently suffering to come out of the pit we dug for ourselves. If we suffer enough for the good cause, it may lead to a positive effect in our life, in my case self control and freedom.

Peace :v:

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Amazing bro keep it up I wish I had found no fap before marriage getting inside marriage or relationship after getting your life together is just awesome and has so many benefits yes every marriage/ relationship has ups and downs but going in with the kind of preparation your doing is like going in a battle with the best armour and best tactics so you know you’ll win

God bless you brother your a inspiration keep going

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Thank you @totto_rewire… Everything is happening so quick for me, a lot of change in such a short amount of time. I just wanted to be completely normal before the next phase of my life starts, wanted to undo everything I am addicted to, wanted to be free from all the weird stuff, wanted to get rid of all the skeletons in my closet, move on from all of it totally, find myself and be excited for whats next to come.

I wish you the best on your journey :v:

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Day 153…

So, generally when I am about to have a wet dream, I wake up right at the end. Sometimes I control it, sometimes I couldn’t but I always try to stop it from happening. Also, it happens like once in 2 months or so… But controlling or not is purely an instinct, it’s not about what I want or dont want.

Apart from it, I generally like wet dreams. I dont know if anyone feels the same. It cools my balls a bit. I feel a bit relaxed in the next two weeks and definitely helps to keep my streak going other than feeling that urge now and then.

I came close to a wet dream couple of days back since then I feel a bit weird around my balls. Last night, I was in one of those pleasurable dreams and it was amazing… So, probably I am three fourths there to have a wet dream, I was asleep and suddenly I felt that I am waking up and I was not totally sure if I am awake because the dream hadn’t stopped… So I tried opening my eyes and they opened. I really felt like going right back to sleep and keep the dream going… It felt like the dream hadn’t stopped and if I close my eyes immediately, it will be like I never woke up. But then I had this question in my head, isn’t that a relapse? may be I am bound to stop it, if I am awake in the middle of it. I dont want to have that relapsed feeling in the morning, so woke up, stopped the dream so that it wont restart again, cleared my head and slept again…

So it basically felt like I am full on booze and I dont know what I am doing but finally somehow did the right thing, because that tiny voice keeps speaking, be careful, your head will do all kinds of tricks to make you relapse.

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I have talked about anxiety and panic attack related issues here. I mentioned how to overcome them and wrote some coping techniques…

I wrote about the motivation behind my no PMO streak here…

Wrote about the importance of urges here…

Wrote about narcissism and relationships here…

Wrote about why we fail in this no fap streak and what we need to succeed in this link…

Wrote about how to manage overthinking in this link…

Wrote about why we relapse on shorter streaks, why urges are helpful for us, and how I resisted them during the first 100 days of my streak

Wrote about tactics our head uses to make us relapse and how we should counter them

Wrote about the reasoning behind our urges…

Wrote about how our attitude should be after a relapse

Narrated a story explaining a different perspective towards urges…

Talked about how we all live life on auto pilot and why we should stop that…

Covered all about PMO here…

Wrote about finding the concentration to study here…

Two tips that could help you guys go on longer streaks…

Wrote about why we cant stop this addiction and what we need to do…

Issues with nofap reset… And the problem with the 90 day challenge ( two posts)

If you have performance related anxiety during the act, which some people term it as ED, do read this post (not talking about the actual medical issue)

if you are struggling with insomnia, do read this

the problem with quit, relapse and repeat

If you want to know how to quit, what to expect, how to make sure we stay strong, do read this

why should we stay as far as possible from any kind of bad habit. Like cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, even weed…

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This appears like a blog now of great thoughts. Keep going!
Eyes on the crown He has for you :sunny:

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Thank you bro, means a lot… :blush: :v:

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