JonSnow's blog - Turn the page

Day 118

Sorry guys, I decided to stay away from this community. I may return in future, but not sure about it. I did give a lot of suggestions on many of my posts, almost all that I could offer… Feel free to quote them, copy them, repost them, or check them out if you are struggling. All of them came from my experience. I wanted to focus more on my studies and my future. A lot of time is being spent on this app, which is why I am going.

My personal life is becoming better and better… I am focused on my future more than ever. I am not going to relapse, it doesn’t matter how worse the urges are, I am habituated to saying no. I am determined to keep going, no matter what. I started studying more, working out even more and I want to do those even more in future, challenging myself. Also, I am working on myself to be even better.

when we loose all the extras, We will have a lot of time for the good things about us, and overtime we get better at them and then we have time to do even more… Thats what I am beginning to understand after quitting pmo, brokeup from a toxic relationship, stopped talking with unnecessary women…

So everything’s good with me, and I am happy for it. And I am gonna keep trying to better and better, improve myself even more…

Lastly, thank you to everyone that I had the pleasure to exchange comments/replies/likes…

Keep going guys, just break the cycle of relapsing… Peace out✌️.

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Inspired by all of this keep looking in on us time to time keep sharing ur progress if possible
Keep it up buddy.

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Day 131

So, all the positives of No PMO, I can put it as one thing, its being the best version of yourself, there’s no doubt. It may not be curing you from stuff, but it will definitely give you the confidence to manage things on your own. It will give you more time to do more things, more time to think about yourself and how you can be better. It just gives you that focus to do things differently, that vision to look at the bigger picture. I think, everything I have mentioned also depends on you. The more issues you have, more difference you could see in yourself. If you perfect in every other part of your life, atleast you got out of a bad habit, right? And the benefits are not really for the show, but its mostly how you feel. It takes away the mental weight that you have been putting on yourself that we are helpless to stop this PMO, that we are addicts. Less weight, more vision, right?

But what it doesn’t do is, freeing you from PMO permanently. Because everytime you are in the mood, you will definitely think about fapping, especially when there is no partner around you. Thats just how we are. Just like we look at a sweet and we immediately want to eat it. But then we tell to ourselves, come on, you will put on weight, avoid it. Similarly, I tell myself, again you will go back to being how you used to be, which means that weight on myself mentally starts again, which means less vision, and all that is not fun. Because lust drives that side of me, and now, I drive myself. Amd why would I want to give the power to an addiction? So I say no thanks. Because I would prefer to be free than being in handcuffs. So quitting PMO for 100 or 200 days doesn’t mean you are not going to think of PMO ever again, but those 200 days will show you enough benefits to keep going in this path. As a result, it gets easier to say no. The longer you stay, easier it gets.

To be honest, I am scared of relapse. And everyone has to be. Because a relapse will take you through a chain of events, reminding you how fun everything is used to be. The weight increases over time, and lust drives us again… Ultimately, no gain earned. Its really hard to go through all those urges we have been through again.

So. Any one under 100 days, this is my message to you.

Things are getting hard? You want to relapse? Then think about last 3 days or week or month of all that you have experienced. Its hard, isn’t it? So you relapse now, but you will be quitting again, I am damn sure of that. Because when that mental weight returns, you will most definitely restart this no PMO. Then, you will have to go through that 3 days or a month again, for the second time. Do you really want to relapse? Or do you want to hold on for a bit more, may be 3 more days or a week more or a month more until you cross this stage? The benefits are waiting, the urges are going to get easier, then its a lifestyle.

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Thank you for this. You rule this year!

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136 days

I have been studying well, writing first phases of Govt exams well, for jobs. Although lots of study and hard work is needed in the future, I know I am up to it. I see improvements exam by exam.

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Day 140. 4 and half months :heart_eyes:… Honestly, it feels like a month, doesn’t feel like 4 and half at all.

In these 4 and half months, I experienced so many changes in me. I am at peace with myself now but with porn and masturbation, I was definitely someone thats driven by lust. Even thinking about myself while I used to do PMO, feels like thats not me (As Arya in GOT says).

I made bold decisions in my life ( I broke up),
I made right choices for myself (let go of wrong ones from my life) ,
I started taking care of myself physically (workouts),
I stopped feeling guilty (Due to PMO),
Got back the confidence I lost and kept focus on the one that matters (Studies),
I started believing in God even more ( lost faith at a point previously)
I started fixing things that bother me (positive self talk when negative thoughts come, learnt from YouTube though)
Learned to deal with my anxiety even better, It doesn’t bother me anymore. if you guys didn’t know, I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I mean I am over it before I started nofap but then I got even more better (its a whole different topic I would like to share for anyone thats suffering from anxiety in a another post someday, let me know if anyone is)
Learned about boundaries in a relationship (after the breakup)
Started to put myself first and love myself (definitely not before parents though, their place is reserved)
That fire in me has started to have a brighter future (didn’t have it previously, it was whatever happens)
Started being more happy ( with anxiety and guilt its so hard to be happy, I am free of it, plus there is god in my life, so ofcourse I would be)
Got rid of brainfog ( its the worst, cant think or figure out anything, everything is so confusing before, now clear headed)
I am transparent now, no skeletons in my closet ( it’s the best feeling, dont need to have two faces, or behave differently when alone)
Started finding myself ( After 9 years of PMO, After heavy smoking of cigs and another addiction, after battling with quitting them and then successfully quitting them and then 6 years anxiety that followed afterwards, I was lost, and at rock bottom for the longest time, just now seeing the light as I am free from all of it)

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You are doing great Brother. Your diary entries motivate us to carry on with this journey. Keep going; your improvement is evident in these posts. Kudos to you :+1::+1:

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Great man.
This message gives me immense hope😭.
Grateful for this . I hope one day I will also achieve the life I want.
A life without lust.

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Thank you guys @Tagore @pingpong1

@pingpong1 you will definitely achieve bro… Keep fighting :muscle:

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Day 143

Stages of my life

  1. THE GOOD GUY - THE BEGINNING

(Between 8th to 12th standard, till 2011)

Funny, sense of humor, childish, never rude, calm, a bit sensitive, never looks at women, never talks to women, no bad habits, infact hated them, good Christian that follows rules but not born again…

  1. THE FLIRTER - ITS A GOOD LIFE

(Between 1st and 3rd year of Graduation, till 2014)

talks with women, looks at women, calm, never rude, still sensitive, lots of dating and hookups, no bad habits, some PMO, an okay Christian,still not born again.

  1. THE ADDICT - ROCK AND ROLL

(Between 3rd and 4th year of graduation,till 2015)

Cigs 25 a day, another addiction (also a lot of it), drinking occasionally, girls, hookups, full on PMO mode… All of it is 24x7.

  1. RECOVERING ADDICT - THE CONSEQUENCES

(Between 4th and 8th year of graduation, till 2019)

full on PMO, quit cigs, quit the other one too, stopped drinking, no women and no hookups (too busy with side effects), Anxiety disorder (1000% severity), brain fog, no happiness, identified myself as agnostic, but small steps for my road to recovery started here…

  1. ALMOST RECOVERED ADDICT - SOME FLICKERING LIGHTS AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

(Between 8th and 9th year of my graduation, till july 2020)

medication, therapy, time off from college and resumed after 6 months, girlfriend, resumed talks with other women, full on PMO, managing anxiety better ( 10 % severity ) , brain fog still there, fixed my study issues. Between Christian and agnostic.

  1. RECOVERED ADDICT - AFTER ALL THERE IS LIGHT

(from july 2020 to present day)

Graduated, stopped talking with all the other women, started no PMO, broke up with girlfriend, most of the anxiety gone (3% severity)… Christian now (not sure about born again part yet but I confessed, I know that he has a plan for me), cool again, calm again, no brain fog, no bad habits at all, infact I hate them, no women too and I’d like to keep it that way till marriage.

  1. BEST VERSION OF MYSELF - THE BEGINNING PART 2

(Its Upcoming)

sense of humor should return, being funny should return, anxiety should be with 0% severity, job hopefully soon, marriage after my job… Have to be an even better Christian, thirst about knowing god has started, asking god to prepare me for baptism.

Its The beginning of the next phase of my life, excited. The best part is, I am not confused if stage 7 will arrive, I know its coming, I can feel it and I am with patience.

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Good man! Keep at it bro! You are an inspiration to us all, a perfect example of how patience and persistence with nofap can change one’s life!

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Day 147

These are the thought behaviors that helped me with quitting cigs, another addiction and now this PMO. I thought, may be this can help some of you guys in resisting urges, or may be this could give an idea or two to you to figure out your own ways to battle this PMO addiction. Or may be you can share the way that works for you, so that I can add some more weapons to my Arsenal. Apologies for the long description…

  1. Behavior 1 - Not today

I just keep extending my relapse… Like in game of thrones, what do we say to dealth? NOT TODAY. Instead of today, now I say not till I reach 150. When I reach 150, I say not till I reach 200…it goes on…

  1. Behavior 2 - For the side effects of PMO (if they happen)

Actually I didn’t even notice when the flatline happened. Or did it even happen? In my view, knowing what happens in the process over complicates things for me. I am like did it come? Or okay it came and left. Oh no, its so hard, m soo moody. So all that is avoidable for me, if I dont associate them with no PMO. If I am moody, or angry, I try to do some fun stuff. Some comedies. I dont really put much attention on feelings. Whatever happens, let it happen. I am quitting and I am going to keep going. One of the reasons why I dont go too deep about chaser effect, all in the head, in my view.

  1. Behavior 3 - Whatever happens

I Just want go on a long streak not caring what happens to me along the way. I call it, ’ the whatever happens scenario’.

Imagine worst thing that could happen, physical, emotional or external factors , and I say, even if that happens, I would not relapse. So I am essentially eliminating excuses.

  1. Behavior 4 - The head and the heart

I imagine that we are two people. One is our head, other is our heart. Head is addicted, our heart wants best for us. While head, it just wants its dopamine. So basically it doesn’t listen to us. When the urges hit, our head stops our heart from talking… So only head speaks, even if heart talks, head has counter arguments to make us relapse. Sometimes heart somehow wins (motivation comes in here), but head is way too stronger, it doesn’t give up. So sometimes it doesn’t let heart speak. Then we relapse as we only think of a short term advantage.

Head uses, a lot of stuff, especially our weakness against us to make us relapse. The key is to know how head convinces us, even during an urge even when we are in an actual crisis, A situation where there’s none doing our talks for us. Head even creates actual crisis too, there are countless things it can do. Just know that.

When it happens, I tell my head, dude you are doing it again. Alright, bring it on, just know that, no matter what you say, I am just not relapsing, I know your tricks. So then the head shuts up, heart takes control. Then we feel better that we didnt relapse and overcame an urge. It tries again next time, same thing happens. Sometimes head almost wins but I figure out at the last moment.

Its generally is not a common notion, doesn’t work that way I know but just giving you guys an alternate view.

Or we can think. Head is like a child, it wants what it wants and it shout cries breaks all of it. While the adult which is us have to know its tantrums instead of giving it what it wants.

If we combine head and heart and say I am feeling like relapsing, its hard for me. While I say, okay my head wants dopamine. But as its in my control as it’s a part of my body. So no, not today. Suffer if you want but I am not giving you your dose.

Its just a weird way that works for me :joy:

  1. Why we relapse?

The biggest problem is our error in my view. We take it for granted, we want fun, we cant forsee whats the most important, right now or the future when the urges hit, that is what we should focus mainly on. We have to train our head for that, to notice the longer term plan than the short when shit happens.

  1. Some Motivation.

when stuff happens, when we got no way out, our bodies are gonna fight like hell for ourselves. Thats the strength of being a human. Nothing can sink us no matter how worst of a situation we are in. The only problem is, us. we can’t seem to believe if we can go through it. We can always go through it if we have resilience, again, lack of that is relapse. Not because we cant, because we wont…

Most of us give up because of urges. I think, without urges, we cant quit any. Its not the urges, its us. We are not still in fighting for ourselves zone yet. Still in a lets see how it goes zone. So we have to tell ourselves repeatedly why its fighting for ourselves zone. Mostly we are in a middle zone where we say it’s fight for ourselves but believe is it so? So we should find right sentences on why it is so, and kind of mediate on it, or tell yourself and believe it (Twist some facts if you want, just enough to help us keep going) So then, we are fighting for ourselves with our backs against the wall, like our lives on the line, and any hurdle seems lesser than our life being on the line.

  1. How things work for me ?

So, when I want to relapse, i think I have mentioned some contingency plans I bring up to make sure I dont relapse. If one thinking fails, another, if that fails another. So I kinda think these repeatedly at the start and change them sometimes in the middle, when ever I want, such that they help me to quit instead of making me relapse.

So basically I have a long term plan and short-term one sometimes. Longterm 6 months, or 2 years. Some blurry line there but its back of my head, I don’t bring it up, else things become too much overwhelming. But if we dont recognize it, our head keeps saying we are cured after 90 days.

Now reality…

7 day plans till I reach 30 days.
Then,I start 30 day plans till I reach 90.
Then 10 days to reach 100. ( the hardest phase, in my view),
Then 50 days plans, which I am in. So it increases for me. If its weekly plans after 90 days, I have to think about relapsing every one week (Like I said, I just extend the relapse). So I have to challenge myself too. So now, I think about whether I should relapse after 50 days. Once I finish that plan, then again longterm plans comes in. Then I stay on the streak and make new plan, another 50 days hoping may be I could relapse after another 50 days. This repeats. And in between when urges come, I mentioned other stuff, the brain and the heart thing and others. If I mention these general plans after 90 days or after each challenge, my mind convinces that I am cured. Hence we need the long term mindset too. And the whatever happens scenario is always on my mind, every single day, urges or not.

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Proud to reach 5 months of No PMO (150 Days)…

On day 151, Target 200 now.

Next 2 days are key for me to make sure I dont relapse, which I will make sure.

I was a little anxious and have a bit of insomnia last two days. Probably not related to NO PMO, but its not new for me, I have been through it before and I will come out of it in a day or two.

I had back to back bad news, was not selected in 3 of the exams I wrote. Doesn’t matter though, it only means something big is incoming. I prayed to god, to do his will, so I guess being selected in those exams is not his will. Onto the next exam, wont stop studying till I find a job :blush::muscle:.

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The number 147 is really unlucky for me. As I had relapsed on this day, still feeling depressed and searching for an answer - why did I did that? :pensive:

But you don’t do brother. I can tell you from the regression that I feel. Stay awesome.

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Dont be depressed. You can make another 147 happen, or may be a 1000? History cant be made without failures :blush:

Yeah I wont, I will make sure of that. Thanks for the suggestion.

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Dude you can easily complete 1000 days
I guess :joy::grin:
Just to add one idea according the name of this topic…
Listening uplifting songs always helped me (though I am on day 4 ) but they always dust off the urges

Some good ones are…
Hall Of Fame
Nights By AVICII
Favorite Girl
Play Date

Add more of yours too @JonSnow001 :wink:

[BTW anybody AVICII’s Fan here?]

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Well, the current plan is not to masturbate ever… After marriage, just the Intercourse and no masturbation. Lets see how far I go… :blush:, I dont listen to songs during an urge honestly… I just wait it out, or sometimes pray. Also urges decreased a lot now…

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:+1::+1: keep Movin’…:sparkles::v:

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Will try out your list of songs :blush::+1:

Thank you.

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Day 152

Still can’t believe that I crossed 150. Time flew so quick. I still remember how much of an addict I was to P and M like it was yesterday. Now, complete mindset change. I know its wrong so i know I shouldn’t do it, I know its unhealthy for me, I know its not even religious, so whats the point in even doing it?

But, I miss the pleasure, badly. So, the only option left is the real thing. Everyday I think about marriage (not the pleasure act), because quicker that happens, quicker I can relax. I could go online and find someone, but as I have already decided that I will wait for it, so no other way around. When I create a boundary in my life, I will fight to stay inside it, no matter what… But marriage wont happen soon, because I have to get settled first… So atleast a year or two to go… So resisting myself literally to something like a monk mode, is super duper hard. But I will fight for it, and I know that it will teach me self control in return.

Every good thing we do has a positive effect on our life and every wrong thing we do has a negative consequence.

We did PMO, currently suffering to come out of the pit we dug for ourselves. If we suffer enough for the good cause, it may lead to a positive effect in our life, in my case self control and freedom.

Peace :v:

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