[john98] Long walk to freedom

I started my way with You ! :slight_smile:

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Thanks, I really appreciate the support! And all the best to you on this journey :facepunch:t4:

Day 7

Am hoping for a clean sheet. :crossed_fingers:t4:

I hesitate to call it this early because my last relapse was this day a week ago. After that relapse I had had enough. Enough of thinking I could just do this alone. That I didn’t need anyone. That I was better than this and that this was not a serious problems.

But today I have been reminded of what deep shit I have been sitting in. It happened when I was looking for an order of Amazon, when instead I found all of the erotic comics that I had ordered through the past 3 months. I feel ashamed to share how many times I had to click on ’ archive order’ . But I lost count. So yeah this shit hurts the wallet and this shit has been a problem.

I had tricked myself to thinking erotic comics was not the same as porn. That it doesn’t count. But any stimulus that is not real, that interferes with ones economy and life is a problem. And my last relapse started with a comic, before leading me to open a incognito site on my phone.

So now I can no longer be in denial. Nor can I say I would be where I am today without the community on this platform. :raised_hands:t4:

It is still to early to call this Tuesday porn free, I am back home again from my travels so am a bit worried about being alone again. But regardless I feel like I’m on the right path. Right path on what is a long walk to freedom. :v:t5:

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Day 8

Clean sheet-(very likely):four_leaf_clover:

Today it is very likely to be porn free because I am high with my friend. Have you ever seen someone high want to watch porn. You just wanna see cute cats on YouTube.

Anyways I should clarify I do not recommend switching porn for other drugs (alcohol, weed, coffee) etc. Any addiction is bad. And it will probably not solve your issues with pron.

Having said that, it’s my 8th day free, half way to my highest streak (ever), and I am high with a friend feeling real good about the idea of watching cute cats on YouTube​:four_leaf_clover::four_leaf_clover::four_leaf_clover::four_leaf_clover::sun_behind_small_cloud::sun_behind_small_cloud::sun_behind_small_cloud::sun_behind_small_cloud:

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Well man, whatever works for ya :joy::joy::joy: I’m glad that you are on your Clean Sheet today too, keep it going!

Day 10

Still going strong. Somehow managed to lose my phone, hence not writing the two past days, just to find out a friend had it all along.

Anyways, I have been spending evenings with friends so little urges. But today was probably the most difficult to deal with the urges. But at all costs it shall be done!

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Day 11

Today has been tough.
Several triggers that I’m dealing with. Am trying to pack my stuff to travel back to my home country as I have been overseas. Very stressful and stress is one of my biggest triggers.

Then you have the deadline. I was supposed to have a piece of work done by tomorrow. I have no mental power to finish it as I am still not even packed for tomorrow morning.

And finally it’s the Sunday. .I broke the chain last Sunday by could really use another clean sheet.

What I have going for me is that I have written my diary. That is one task completed. I also have no time to waste on wanking because I got shit to do. I shall not concead today. That’s the mentality. Fake it until you make it they say .

Who knows if its true. But I shall keep my clean sheet for another day (unlike Tottenham :soccer:)

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Day 13: clean sheet :raised_hands:t4:

Feeling good about my chances today. Back home from my travels abroad.

I managed to get through the urges yesterday, I was very close to reading a erotic comic book. But pulled through.

Now I will have less time alone as I am with Family. Should be really good to get me across 30 days without having to think so much about it.

The beauty of the matter is that with each clean sheet I am building a foundation. Yes in real life I make mistakes. I will fall down, but as long as I live through the highs and the lows, learn from the mistakes, and NEVER revert back to my old habits I will live a life where I am more content.

I don’t believe that after 30 or 90 days that Life will be magical or something like that. I reckon I will feel the same I feel now about my daily life. Only difference is that I will be more in control. Self control. Self disciplined. Knowing where I want to go and able to focus my energy to achieve it without being derailed along the away by spiralling back into the rabbit whole, or digging myself deeper into shit.

Content with life would be a good place to be. But it’s a long walk to freedom nevertheless.

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D 14

Clean sheet.

I have been way too busy on social media to watch anything. Am now gonna kick it with some Netflix.
Nothing too major, really just checking in.

Sad about Spurs taking the L. But I can’t let that happen.
Nonetheless midweek days are usually good for me, so just keep ticking of one day at a time.

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Good to now you’re still keeping up, and yeah, usually the midweek days are the easiest ones.

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…Still here :slight_smile:

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D15

Cleansheet guaranteed

Had a day of self care Where i took myself out to get a clean cut and shave.

Feeling really good about myself and so should be another day ticked off.

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D16
Cleansheet guaranteed

I have arrived. I have arrived at the point which is the furthest I have ever travelled without feeding my brain poison to escape my stress and my problems.

I have reached the point on the mountain where I have so far seen the furthest. I have no idea what awates on the other side of this hill. I have never been there. I have no idea if I will face different kinds of challenges, urges, sensations, but one thing I do know is that I am thankful for discovering this community.

I am happy that I am not in denial. Denial that a problem I lived with was not actually a problem. That other sex stories on the internet, webcams, porn comics are just as bad because it’s about how you define the activity and not thé actual content.

If it interferes with relationships and your own progress, than you gotta cut it out.

And I know I will fight every day for my clean sheet. I take pride in the cleansheet. It is the bedrock of my joy in life. Anything else in life is bonus, but the cleansheet stays in tact. I can fail in real life, I have felt like a bit of a failure I. Real life the past few days for mistakes that I made. However I will learn from life. But I will not repeat the mistake of thinking I can ‘handle a porn habit’.

That I can exercise self restraint to the point where I can enjoy the fruits of the tree without falling from its branches. But today my mentality is clear. Get your axe out. Or a fucking flame thrower if you have to. And burn that fucking tree to the ground. Build a fence around it, a mental wall where you do not even allow yourself to imagine that it can be a solution. Remember yourself when you were deep in the shit. I mean worst point with this drug. And then tell yourself anything is better, even feeling the pain of daily life, or failing an exam, than returning to that tree.

And now imagine yourself planting a new seed in your brain. What would that seed be? What habit would you want to grow? What kind of character do you want to nurture? What kind of man or woman do you envision yourself as?

The difficult questions of life, but better to grapple with these questions then throw away all of that potential, time, energy, on something that will only screw your life up into a little ball, step on it, get dirt on it, to the point you don’t recognise yourself in the mirror.

Time to see yourself clearly. No filter. And without being tainted by your past with this shitty shitty images that have imprinted themselves on your brain. Instead look at yourself with the care that you would look at a younger sibling, or a baby that is learning to walk. Now take yourself by the hand and walk in the right direction of where your life should be heading if you let go of any excuses.

Long walk to freedom, don’t stop walking.

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D17

Looks like another day down.

Longest I have come, but the feeling is good. I am certainly a man in form atm. Good habits, good people around me, taking one day at the time.

Also my phone broke, which is kind of a silver lining as that is my main device that I would use. Won’t get a new one for a while, which am happy with. The more distance I put between me and day 1 the better chance of not relapsing on any given day.

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D18

My ex accepted my insta request. A bit worried because my last relapse was related to her. I had done 16 of no porn. I had done 3 months of no contact with my ex. Thought I was ready to reach out and ‘move on’, maybe be friends, but it hit me harder than i expected. That week I worried, wondered, about what could have been. That week I had relapses like every other day, and 2 consecutive days even.

So I have come further in my personal growth. In accepting that the past is in the past. But I will be careful as to not spiral due to her photos of us or the ones after me.

Cleansheet: determined to do it

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D19 clean sheet

Had a tough day in my personal life.

But went through it and came out the better for it. Every experience has a lesson to be learn. Bad or good is just perception.

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I’m so sorry to hear that, but at the same time I’m glad that you took it with maturity! Keep going :+1:t2:

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Thanks Damane, do you have a diary or something that I can follow your journey

D 20

Early upload since I have a lot to get done today.

Am feeling good about the progress. I put on my gold chain and feel the self worth that I have. It is important to do things that add value to your life. And same goes to the gold chain I got myself. When I wear it si feel like there is no chance I am going to take an L. Because I am literally adding value to my life by wearing something valuable.

Normally I am not one for bling bling, nor expensive watches or clothes.

But this is my diary and I will say it how I see it. Dress nice, get a nice hair cut, look the part that you want to play in your life. Send yourself positive messages verbally like «I will manage [enter challenge here] >

But also positive Messages by what you Wear.

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Yes I do! Here’s the link A new man's diary

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