Iāve been spending my days off work with my family, I have been helping my dad with farm work which has helped take my mind off my issues I was facing, tomorrow after work is my sisterās Halloween themed party, I have promised her Iām going to show up.
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Thats great man, nothing more beautiful than spending time with family. I hope you have an act in mind when you show up in the halloween party lol.
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Day 6.
My sister hosted a Halloween party for her birthday, lots of people showed up in Halloween costumes and there some people I interacted with, lots of people there were already drunk by the time I showed up, I didnāt drink any alcohol at all and still had a good time, my confidence flowed naturally and realized I donāt need alcohol to boost my confidence, because I already am. I left early because I had work the next day.
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Update: So today was my first day back at the gym in under 2 weeks, I stopped going for a while, I was still tired from last night so I trained until I was exhausted, so I get a good sleep, I need it.
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Day 8. Im happiest ive been in a long time, ive been pushing myself to have more human connections and since connecting with people im feeling happier and more confident, it started when I showed up to my sisters party and interacting with people, prior to this I was turning down too many opportunities or making excuses but this increased my social anxiety again and felt like avoiding everyone, this led to feelings of loneliness i suffer from today. I believe this loneliness was the reason I started thinking about my ex again years after my break up, some good things happened with this, I apologized for the break up and it helped me move on. Truth be told though, I still think about her alot but not the way I was earlier in the year, these thoughts are thoughts of asking how she is and having a proper conversation with her like an adult, but Iām not ready for that yet because im avoiding her as much as possible unless we accidentally bump into each. My main focus is me, im working on myself in many aspects I have better physique, im getting more confident from this and im working to better my social life, lots of people have seen this and have actually said Iām looking real good and that helps with my confidence, thereās this part of me that wants my ex to see the changes I have gone through and how confident I have become, with no intention of getting back with her even if I wanted to, I want to hear her say that im looking good. Last night I was playing board games with my sisters and their friends and felt happy being this connected with people as itās something I have not felt in a while, when I feel fulfilled, I donāt think about my ex, I only start thinking about her when I feel empty. Loneliness is the cause for 90% of my relapses, the other 10% is when Im sitting doing nothing. 90% of my relapses have been caused by loneliness, if I make more human connections, that will mitigate my relapses.
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Day 11. Today is my day off work, I tidied some of my room listened to music and made a new video for my YouTube channel.
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Day 12. I was not feeling myself today, some certain things going on in my mind triggered it, so I went for drive to some random place to clear my head, and listened to some music to motivate me again and I felt better, after that I talked to a female cashier with confidence and it felt like a cherry on top.
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Day 15. Not feeling myself feels like a new normal to me, there are days I feel ok, then there are days like today which feel unbearable at times, but that is life, life has itās challenges and thatās where we truly grow. Itās in tough times like this that we truly grow, a quote from @Forerunner a few months back.
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Day 18. Iām feeling energetic and full of drive, the only challenges Iām facing at the moment are mental health issues.
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Day 1. Pmo really sucks, it weakens me, prevents me from experiencing joy in life and it holds me back from living my best life and I truly do not enjoy it, no matter how convincing it is at the time, it is not worth wasting your valuable energy on. I had given into my demons yesterday and was also up at 4 am this morning beating my meat, not very smart thing to do, i even got emotional and drunk some alcohol, I could think about was my ex, I pretended she was there and imagined myself talking to her and telling her how I truly feel and even though she wasnāt there, it felt good talking about and even cried like a sad depressed loser, the only other thing I could think about was me and the better version of me I truly want to become, thatās the thing truly motivating me to keep going, I donāt want to give up now because I have lots of true potential to achieve including a life without pmo. I have alot to lose if pmo wins, I have to keep rising up and fight for my life. Im proud of my efforts no matter how small, and Iām proud of how far I got in NNN, they are just a few setbacks, Iāll get back up again.
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Temptation was right right in front of me today, I was checking my emails in the spam folder, to check for missed emails and all that was there were all of these sexual emails of females telling me to click links to view some photos but it looked suspicious so I emptied the spam folder and permanently deleted these emails, who knows what is in those emails, what if itās someone trying to hack me.
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I relapsed today, everytime I relapse the same cycle repeats and I always binge multiple times, if this keeps happening with me everytime I relapse, itās going to reach a point where it will get worse, it will lead to more relapses , i will start to lack self control, its going to reach a point where I wonāt last a week or worse ill be relapsing everyday. I canāt let this happen, I gotta act now, break the cycle binging and find a distraction fast before the chaser effect takes over. Pmo takes and takes from us until we have nothing left, we got to take a stand for ourselves and take back the power and control of ourselves, to save our future and stop pmo from ruining our lives, time is a valuable thing and its not to be wasted.
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Update- I did try to stay distracted which did work to begin with, but when I got home things were still abit raw, all it took was 1 trigger and I relapsed another 3 times, its like itās become a cycle. I have to break this cycle otherwise this will keep happening.
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Day 1.
No more EXCUSES! No more DISTRACTIONS! No more RELAPSES! THE TIME IS NOW!
NOBODY, IS GOING TO DO SHIT FOR ME! NOBODY IS GOING TO SAVE ME FROM MYSELF! MY EX IS NOT GOING TO SAVE ME! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! Only we can save ourselves, its up to us, only we give a shit, only we know who we are, the only one who can help is ourselves, noone is going to come help you, because nobody gives a shit, only we can, only we can quit pmo because noone will be there to help you, itās up to us!
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I have relapsed once again just so thatās all I can say for now, ill make a post later, im trying to minimize phone usage so I donāt fall in the chaser effect. To break this cycle i have to put my foot down, see you all soon.
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I am very proud of myself, after that relapse I responded very quickly, got up did something, punched my punching bag a few times to release tension, sat out in the lounge with people so I wasnāt by myself, then I did tractor work while staying hydrated to keep me making sane decisions. This is the first time in months I have not binged following a relapse, i am proud of myself for taking control and not binging, 1 relapse is bad enough but binging is alot worse. The night is not over so Iām being very careful.
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I had a few panic/anxiety attacks today, I was having difficulty breathing and was feeling angry, irritable, and overwhelmed. Normally I donāt feel like this. Theres been things triggering this, all these relapses I have been having this week didnāt help, I kept getting the chaser effect and it was hard work, I thought I was going to keep relapsing and be stuck in the chaser effect but I watched a YouTube chaser effect video and so far Iām 4 days without, which is the longest Iāve been all week. Iāve been struggling with phone call anxiety where Iām too scared to answer phone calls or talk to anyone on video call, I find it overwhelming, someone keeps calling me but I canāt even bring myself to answer, this has also triggered my anxiety and my panic attacks this morning. I donāt normally feel this but I think it might be my ADHD and Autism symptoms flaring up.
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Day 7. Iām proud of myself no matter how small my achievements might be, or if Iāve achieved it manytimes before. Here I am posting that Im now 1 week without pmo and Iām proud of myself, the most rewarding part is the testosterone spike. Iāve been a humble this time round and have gotten more patient with myself, Instead of making big promises which I couldnāt keep, only to break them, ive gone back to basics of setting small goals and slowly working my way up again, I find this way alot more effective than making big promises I canāt keep. When I make big promises and break them, it just leads to me feeling like I failed. If I set small goals and work my way up I actually feel like I have accomplished something no matter how small it is, and this actually encourages me to stay on nofap for longer every time I achieve something, it tells me that life is better on nofap and Iām doing the right thing being off pmo. Doing it this way helps me be more patient, it is a slow process and the longer Iām off pmo, the better things become but it takes time, and the results are worth it, so thatās why patience is very important. Every day youāre on nofap counts, because itās another day you didnāt waste your energy jerking off to ā ā ā ā .
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