All I feel is a burden with no maturity , new mistakes and no hope
always have been
would be better dead
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Fuck this shit man
how long will I be childish negative ■■■ , only breaking myself mentally and not doing anything . I will not achieve anything like this , being sad is just a way to cope and be the same . Im not a child anymore to cry or blame things on myself and proceed to not change . Im changing that no matter what , I know about myself but yet on the face of issues or mistakes , I behave in the same manner .
Imma start working now , will build plans and framework in short and start taking actions . My mind is a sick place , only actions keeping sanity .
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Very good day 
Mildly productive but better than before
Except the waking and sleeping part
Im half an hour late even now , will sleep immediately
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Decent day yesterday
Felt sick in morning so slept it out and got well . Got busy in other things after that.
Woke up late today but did exercise and meditate
I have to finish python and Im also planning to learn basic C and start Dsa
Minecraft , guitar and evening walks for refreshment nowadays
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Fcked around and found out 
Prof gooner in the chat
Need an accountability partner
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My life has became trash too…I don’t know whether I will ever be able to fix it or not. Time is just passing and I’m still struggling from previous habits
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Whats pushing you again and again to ■■■■?
Are you depressed?
Do you feel lonely without social interaction?
Or are you lazy?
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There was a time refreshment meant free snacks from school 
! Anyways you’re good to go if you continue to learn something daily.
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Earlier it was that , but now I’m better .
I am not even getting those type of urges , its that my brain is not resisting . Laziness too but I don’t really get the urge , its just that I visited with nothing in my head stopping me . But there is not stopping once you visit .
I used to refrain only because of studies, exams etc now I have nothing to do . So this is kind of repitition of old habits , I used to relapse and overthink too much or suffer and then relapse again when everything was good , self sabotaging in better sense . Mentally it is still there , I used to keep it in mind so as to not do it during studies , now I forget it soon which as it should be too but then I even forget real reasons and how bad it is . I have still not learnt to be mentally free from it so that’s the killer here . I used to stop being happy and regret it which made me avoid it plus more of the negative cycle . Last few months were new though , its only silliness which led me back otherwise I had worked on a lot of things and didn’t want to do this back . Things are more stable now after sometime . I just need to control this once and focus on physical and mental health . I know how it hurts me Im just not seeing it . Frequent of it not only makes me weak but also sickens my stomach for some reason and I get problems. I used to fear that too so as to avoid it . But that doesn’t last long as I know well enough.
Now writing this answer makes me see more , I wasn’t really doing anything let alone exercise or write . Restarted exercising only 3 days back and now I shall do some journalling too . When I have good principles behind it , I won’t get urges or temptations to do it , even my conscience doesn’t go there when Im aware , I just happen to lose awareness in bw .
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I should read too now that I have all the time .
Used to read while being busy in exams and now Im not reading anything
Will finish leftovers first , won’t take much time as I can do this all day.
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(post deleted by author)
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