I'm tired of all my anxious feelings. Public Confession #1

(Authors Note: I put “Public” because I’ve made a personal confession and will probably keep it secret unless I feel comfortable with posting it.)

I feel like i’m an overanxious person. While I’m thinking about it, I would put my anxiety into 2 sections. One is Secondary and one is Primary. The main difference is the effect that they have on me, Secondary anxiousness almost feels short term or something I can easily snap off. However primary ones may ruin the entire day or a good chunk of it.

Secondary thoughts that I can toss off are how people think about me, my future, my relationship with friends and family, and my fashion decisions. Why these are easy to shake off? Because I fill myself with semi fake/semi real confidence and I charge through the day.

However the primary one is the main issues. The three I have are weight, sexuality, and penis size.

Weight is the first, I’ve been the fat kid my entire life. In the beginning of 2020 I started going to the gym and I went from 350 to 300 within the beginning of 2021. Now my current weight is about 265 and my clothes show it. This one is sort of a triple hitter, clothing was a secondary but I’m anxious that my clothes make me look like a kid (I haven’t really had much for new clothes in the past 4-8 years minus a couple sweatshirt and tshirt), I’m still considered overweight and most of my weight loss recently has been because I stopped lifting + biking when I lost motivation & got sick. Because of this I keep looking up things like “buried penis” and gynecomastia or Adipomastia (man boobs) because I read around that heavier guys have more estrogen. Which causes me to think that it’s also been the result of my ED and lack of relationships. I feel anxious and unappealing when this comes around, but hey the only way I go is up still + my parents are starting to eat healthier again because their weight has also been a concern once more.

Sexuality is the second, Like previously said I haven’t had much action. Starting the day I turned 13 I watched, I can remember a couple of times where I wanted to experience what it felt like to be the opposite sex (just to clarify I’m just tossing out ideas to figure out myself. I am NOT transgender nor do I WANT to be transgender. I’m a man and I’m happy about it.). So with a little help with Rule 63 (every character has gender swap art of it) I fell down a rabbit hole of a gender swapping fetish. When I started Nofap I started getting desperate and escalating to more taboo things and to this day I’m anxious of if I’m gay or not (I won’t consider myself having HOCD though). However that taboo stuff is still around and has an occasion of me unintentionally causing the thoughts to come back around. In my most recent logs I discussed about how in the past couple of days I peeked + had sexual thoughts about Pyra from Xenoblade 2, I can’t tell if this is progress or not but she’s someone i’d want to date but I need to retrace my steps before anything. But I can’t really determine if these thoughts are genuine or because of me being sex deprived. All my life I’d consider myself aroace (not attracted to anyone sexually or romantically) but I never gave it a shot because porn filled the void up until I was late 19.

The third is penis size, Now this one is kind of a mix between the 3. Because of my weight I feel that I have a small penis, which in return causes me to make the irrational decision of Masturbating and trying to get a full erection, 99% of the time I can’t so most of the time I looked at porn and even then I couldn’t prevail. Sometimes I’d rely on the taboo stuff to try to get an erection which rounds it up. With my most recent streak it’s happened less frequently and without the usage of porn & the taboo stuff but it still makes me stressed because it causes me to look up “average penis size” and buried penis (fat in your crotch area). It really stresses me out and hopefully with time I can heal things out.

3 Likes

A whole lot of fixing you required in your lifestyle from top to bottom.

For overthinking listen to this podcast

Because the main problem is that you are overthinking

And because of overthinking you are having different anxious problems which isn’t there.

So I would suggest go through this stuff first and let’s hope for the best Insha Allah.

The Overweight is almost Diet. The Physical exercise only counts 10-15%. At the Sexual level, Yes I sympatize with You. I had some thoughts about Crossdressing and be a’‘girl’’. In my opinion, It’s the lack of Girls in the daily life. Ultimately, I feel a necessity to talk to Girls. I contacted some announcements of Webcam Girls. I purposed a service of Virtual Girlfriend, but I don’t continue.

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.