I’m so disgusted with myself and I need to know that I’m still worth it. All the research I’ve done has confirmed this to me as well. I’m so ashamed and I keep isolating myself from others to try to prevent myself from lying. As a way of coping I seem to believe my own lies too. I don’t know what’s causing it and I don’t know how to get help because if I tell a therapist they wouldn’t have any right to believe anything else I say. I’ve built a fantasy world off my lies and my entire existence is made of them. I don’t genuinely believe anyone could ever love me for me and I expect my same disgust from everyone. I want to know that everything will be okay and that there’s still hope for me. It hurts soooo much to even address this issue and I live numbly in my lies. Everyone wants my lies and I give them to them like the people pleaser I am. It’s an addiction and while I may play this off socially acceptably enough to get away with my lies, my depression is getting worse from it. I’m a fraud and I sent deserve anything in my life, I just still want it out of pure entitlement. I don’t want sympathy and I don’t just want to be viewed like some diseased science experiment. I’m a human being and I’m flawed in my character, I need to know I’m worth it. I want to know I can survive myself during this dark time. I’ve improved a lot, but I’m still terrified of my relapse.
I hope everything you just vented out made you feel better.
Well this stuff is crushing my soul right now… Talking about it hurts but I know I’ll heal with time.
No one is perfect… some people even dont accept their flaws… you are very brave to do that.
Accepting flaws & working on them what defines you.
Nofap is your redemption.
Thank you so much for the encouragement. It’s a daily process to accept myself, I still have my bad days too. My heart really hurts from all of this… I keep breaking my own heart from losing faith in myself. Being this vulnerable we is new to me, but I’m adapting to it.
Leave the therapist’s job to the therapist.
The only person whose approval you are seeking is yourself. Give it to yourself.
Everything is okay and you are infinitely worthy.
It’s okay to hurt.
You already know it.
We all flawed but we all can improve. There are people who are Pieces of shit and they don’t even care. At least we care. And we can do it. We can cure ourselves… We are disgusted from ourselves because thats not our true self so to speak. Our true self is rebelling against the lies that imposed on us. You can find yourself again.
Like I said there are people who lie and simply don’t care for they are already dead.
Thank you so much, your thoughts have made my life feel like it’s worth living through all of this
I don’t even know who my true self is, because I’ve been this way for so long. I have been eating alive with guilt, I used to try to force myself to not care so my suicidal thoughts would go away. I’m broken inside and everything in my life is dead and I feel powerless. I’ve been getting better but I’ve also been grieving that I can’t change my past. I wish I had never lied.
You have said the kindest words to me than anyone ever has. My heart has been shattered from going through this, this burden has taken everything from me. I’m constantly tempted to lie and the fantasies of lying keep coming back. It gave me a high like nothing else ever could, but the shame is so permanent and my pride makes me unable to undo it. I have felt so worthless and pathetic, and facing the truth about me has destroyed me. Every day of depression and withdrawal from this sick addiction has ruined me, my heart feels violated every time I lie. I don’t like brainwashing others and everything I saw i desperately wish was the truth. I will survive, this past two months has changed my life.
when we lie we betray ourselves. you feel it, the pain. is real, pain is just pain but at least is real and truth. pain does not mean we have to grieve or we are worthless. that just another lie our brain tells us. realize the illusions your thoughts creates. you need to make stronger the part that is truth. your brain/ego lies to you right now. the past is Dead truly! why grieve?,we are alive! are we not?
it’s a new day. and there are many places we can go and discover. we are free if we choose to. but we must choose and fight with all of our might! for truth, for love, for beauty and purity. we know this filth of lies and dishonor and now we reject it.
this is war. against the darkness of our world. but we both know that there is something good in the world. and that’s why we fight. have faith! we will be healthy again(healthy=whole as unbroken).
in regard to your true self. it’s actually practical. it’s like a person with amnesia you need to touch, see and do things that resonance with your self. and then you remember so to speak. find those things that remind you.