I can do this, I finally have faith in myself. I confessed to one if the biggest lies I’ve ever told today. I had kept this one up for years out fear and I finally confessed it. I feel like such a burden has fallen off my shoulders. I have been gradually feeling strong enough to be honest, even about painful things.
Look at you girl! All courageous and growing up
So I have an addiction to lying and as far as I’ve known I’ve had it my whole life. I’ve attempted suicide from it so many times because I’m a coward. I’ve self-harmed myself to try to punish myself for being horrible, to force myself to empathize with the pain all my lies have caused. I sorry that I’m a sociopath because guilt for what I am gets tuned out so easily sometimes… I feel like I’m some kind of monster loose in society and that I need to be put in a cage for the safety of our. My lies may be socially acceptable most of the time and even necessary but they’re just a time bomb waiting for the truth to come out. I hate my life and I don’t know if there’s still hope for me… I feel all alone in the world and I need isolating myself because I don’t feel like I even deserve people with how terrible of a person I am. I realize I get an adrenaline rush from lying, I love to do it even with all the harm it causes. My entire existence and life is a lie… I don’t want my life to end way. But I think my patterns of behavior are fixed,I’ve been this way all my life and my attempts to change has only brought me to dead ends. I get hungry for something more in life and I lash out and hurt people. I feel unlovable and I know others hate me just as much as I do. I’ve wasted and abused so many second chances and I don’t feel like I’m worth it anymore… I don’t want anyone’s forgiveness because I really don’t deserve it, and I’ll only cause more harm if I ask for it. I’m disgusted with my very existence… I’m pathetic.
But despite all of that I think I can beat this. I have to, I need to know that I’m worth it…
You are absolutely worth it. Absolutely!
The very fact that you are still able to feel guilty about this shows that there’s still hope for you to turn this around completely.
You’ve made some important first steps in changing your life - that’s honorable behaviour. Learn to forgive yourself and show yourself love.
The human mind is the most malleable substance on Earth. You can become anyone you want to be. If you don’t like who you are now, you can be a completely different person 3 months from now.
Don’t give up on yourself.
You are suffering from self hatness .
I’m realizing my lying has been my only way to repress the horrible things that have happened to me. My entire life has felt like one endless pit of one horrible thing after another that I can’t talk to anyone about. I’ve just wanted someone to understand and to not have to feel alone anymore. I need therapy but I can’t afford it right now. I’ve blamed myself for everything and now I’m learning to let go of what I thought I could “force” to be the truth.
Sounds like hell. Welcome to self-hate. A wonderful feeling isn’t it ?
I don’t know what you became today , but do not trust your self-hate, it’s like someone who wants to keep you as a slave.
If you can’t love you , it’s ok for now , but at least don’t hate you , try to limitate those thoughts of hating you and of couse,the behavior you hate.
Hard but as long as you do it everyday yo uwill feel a bit better.
I admire you courage to admit all of this … You are technically worth it , you just don’t see it