Ilimenor's inconsistent Diary

Sharing code b51143f

Current streak - 0 days
Highest streak - 10 days
Age - 27
Gender - M
Location - MA

So today I woke up early, made coffee and played some video games til about 10:00AM. About that time my girlfriend came down and announced she was taking the pupper out with friends for the day.
Empty house? Immediately I felt the tinge I always took advantage of in the past. I’d go up to my office and PMO. I fought that urge for about half an hour before the “fuck it” thoughts went through my head. I went upstairs, logged into my go-to website, and immediately closed it. I said no, there’s a million other things to do today and I’ll be happier doing them without shame and regret over my bizarre fantasies. After a show I was watching the night before happened to trigger my fetish with a short scene I’d tossed and turned for an hour before passing out. I was feeling the urge really bad- especially after my second time going 5 days in probably 16 years. I was really, really feeling it.

So i went outside, mowed the lawn, and spent the afternoon in the grass doing yard work. I felt good. Still do. Got the grill going, and I’m feeling really relaxed. I will not fail.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.


That is great. Congrats :slight_smile:

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It’s been a habit for years that when I get up in the morning I spend a half our to an hour before driving to work on the computer, and usually end up feeding my addiction at that point.
I did not PMO this morning, but I did peek at a website I used to frequent. Checked my updates, then closed it. I say used to, but more like I used to use it, but now I just see it. Albeit less frequently.
Didn’t touch myself in any way but I still feel bad about it. I need to get up and not b-line to that room like I always have.
If I’d changed and gone downstairs today I’d have had time to get make coffee or grab a bite to eat.
Now I’ll be hungry and caffeine-deprived until at least 1.
I’ll take that punishment today, but no longer. Gonna block myself from any website I want to use that way if I continue to fail resisting the urge to check up on it.

I recommend to delete any accounts on improper websites. Cut your ties if you want to free yourself.
I’m not a fan of blocking the internet or monk mode since we have to be able to resist our urges eventually.

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Thanks, I gave some thought to that recently and I agree. Will have to do that when I’m home.

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That is true, you want to win nofap, but you still have some acounts on porn sites. Is that you think after nofao you are going to use it? You think you are going to lose something important?
Nain! You wont watch porn. And deleting that fking acounts you wont lose but win.

So lets work together: code 65feff
I have added you

7 Days. I can’t hardly believe it. After another rough morning I fought past my habits. Blocked myself from accessing my go to web sites. Feelsgoodman.jpg
I know this journey is a long one, but I’m hopeful that my experience with this will also aid me in quitting smoking. As addictions go, i still feel that’s a whole different animal, but for now I’m learning to take deep breaths and move on which will be essential when I take that leap. Smoking is also said to cause some level of ED, so I’ll be even more better off. If my interview goes well today, maybe I’ll feel confident enough to give that a try.
In the meantime, 7 days!

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8 Days! Another rough morning. Considered edging, but withdrew without any contact. No more. Something I noticed was that for a long time I’ve used sexual fantasies in my head to fall asleep without letting my mind wander to anything else. I think i started doing that as a distraction in my teens to keep from having daunting existential thoughts. So I’m feeling pretty well dug in avoiding jacking off, but falling asleep without slipping into those thoughts is a new front line.
I’ve always had a pretty vivid imagination, and my goals for nofap aren’t never to have sex or orgasm again, but to rewire and see real women, especially my dearest love, as more desirable than porn. Porn has planted unrealistic expectations of actions, spoken word, seductive behavior, and my word the begging- gets me every time- but nearly all of that is nonsense. It’s not fucking real. It’s been so long, and it’s so ingrained, but I will overcome.

9 Days. Really felt myself slipping this morning. Mornings seem like they’ll continue to be the hardest part for a while. No PMO. I don’t have much of a temper at all, I just get down instead of angry. But I feel good once it passes.

I just said to myself, more solemnly than I’d like, “oh. I don’t do that anymore.” And moved on.

I find the same the same during morning but not worth it to do.

Another day, another rough morning. 10 days. No dreams, no erections, nothing. I feel as though I’ve depressed myself enough with PMO before this that i can’t find anything arousing. Weird. On we go.

You are doing good brother! Use the freedom. Go socialize. Level up our proficiencies. Put projects into reality. The world is yours

Welp I fell off the wagon. Honestly I feel fine having gone nearly 11 days. Thought about picking up the pieces to go clean starting in September but I’m not. I’m starting now, once again. No excuses for this morning , just said fuck it and gave in. Having thought just a bit about it, my thoughts are… well I’m feeling refreshed and now after having gone the longest I have since childhood I can reaffirm that the pleasure was really only momentary, and all it did was cost me time. I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. I am going to make some changes to help deal my urges though. I have a project that every year I rush but this time around I think ill get a jump on it. That should help.
I also set a quit date for stopping smoking. It starts tomorrow evening. 6 o’clock, so i can wake up 12 or 13 hours done with which will undoubtedly be the hardest and most difficult addiction of mine to quit. I’m nervous about overwhelming myself, but feeling determined. Next week I’ll be working alone, off site, and will isolate me from usual work frustrations. I’ll be bored, probably, which is dangerous. Gonna take some books in case it’s really slow going. Wish me luck.

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