So I have been addicted to porn for atleast the last 6 years, I am 18 now so since I was 12. I have been practicing NoFap for 2 years now with my longest streak being a little over 60 days.
That 60 streak I achieved happened out of no where. One day the urges stopped coming and everything went back normal, it was a beautiful feeling. I was happy and everything seemed soo good. I miss that period of my life. After those 60 days an urge came, and it was a minute one, a very simple urge but I relapsed instantly. And since theb the longest I have managed is 10 days and that was achieved after constantly fighting urges, it wasnt like my magical 60 days when the urges stopped. This intruiged me, so i decided to look at it from a psychological perspective.
I have social anxiety and it can get pretty bad eslecially when I am in new environments. Also I have a really unaffectionate household and am mostly alone in the house as both of my parents work and I like the seclusion. But since this quarantine they are home much more often, they still go to work as the are essential workers(thank god) but i still see alot more of them. And my parents are really bad at emotional support, like they are the absolute worst. I dont share anything with them, we barely talk. So if they are home alot with me it makes things messy. And my home has been my escape from anxiety and since now even there i cant catch a break my PMO habit has gotten worse.
I have not had a streak of more than 24 hours for the last 45 days. I have just relapsed again.
What I have noticed is that my anxiety is a root cause of my addiction. I actually seem to have no addiction to porn itself, but actually the repeated dose of dopamine which causes my senses to be numbed and calms me is what attracts me. Those 60 days in which I was porn free existed because things were going good in my life, my exam results were good, i had made friends, i had started to converse with the girl i like, and i had won a sports tournament at my highschool. I was comfortable with my environment and wasnt anxious anymore so there we no urges. The urge i got later was probabbly some stress that i had occoured. I was having a good day today and was positive that i wont relapse but then i had an argument with my parents.
I locked myself in my room and lay in my bed for about an hour. The feeling i was having then, the symptoms of anxiety were very similar to what i feel when i have urges. I resisted it for quite a while but then couldnt anymore and relapsed. After that the anxiety vanished as if nothing had happened, but it was replaced by guilt.
So my friends this is an endless cycle for me, anxiety -> relapse -> guilt -> in securities and anxiety -> again relaspe
Now the only way to beat this addiction is to bear the anxiety, face my fears and look for healthy means to fix my anxiety.
I hope that now that I now what my exact problem is will make it much more easier for me to beat this addiction.
Wish me the best of luck and if any of you suffers from any similar issues feel free to shoot me a message.