I finally discovered the deception. 😭

Since I relapsed more than a month ago, I have not been able to start nofap again.
I feel in prison, the prison of not being able to control that instinct.
The thing that took away my motivation was that by now I got along well with my brother but in reality it was only the trail of the behavior I had with him during the nofap, so it was no longer a natural behavior but forced, no longer accompanied by a real emotional drive and I discovered that with each of his wrong behavior, instead of ignoring this behavior because the positive emotion was much stronger than his sin, being that my emotions were brought to 0, only his wrongs against me stood out in my mind, and then as usual only feelings of anger, hatred towards him and the desire to kick him in the face arose in me, obviously all feelings that I suppressed, but instead today, closing myself in a room alone, I clearly felt this hatred towards him comes back to me, and I discovered that the fact that the relationship was now healed is only a mere deception.

Moreover, the long-distance relationship, born thanks to the magic of nofap, has been reduced to only sexual thoughts on my part, feeling that the mutual flame is extinguishing and that a mistrust is growing on its part, even if not explicitly manifested.
For my part, a whole series of fears are growing as to how there is the risk that she will actually only want to use me once we see each other, the fear of being with someone is growing in me, as in the pre-nofap period.
The desire I had acquired during the magical nofap period to study driving school and get my license is fading, the motivation to leave the house is also disappearing, I have lost the motivation to read or do other productive things, preferring to stay on the bed instead taking refuge in the show on my cell phone, resuming the bad habit of sleeping in the afternoon. Today I even lost the desire for a cold shower, recovered only in a corner.
I started hating my neighbor again, people on the street. I began to judge others, to complain about events, to see others as hostile to me, including my family, with whom I started the paranoia again, thus returning to me the “survival mentality” (present for millions of years in each of us, therefore the mentality of “crushing others for one’s survival”) rather than the “mentality of happy life” (based on trust, love for one’s neighbor and oneself).
What’s more, I’m getting sick.
I have discovered that unfortunately the positive personality change is not permanent and that by letting myself go I can regress negatively back to being as I used to be.
I was deceived by the fact that the right behavior I had during the nofap period remained emulated in me, but with the absence of emotion; therefore this behavior would not last long, it is like a house built on a collapsing mountain and finally today this has come out in the open, Satan’s deception has come out.
If I don’t get back to nofap right away, the devil will take away everything I had earned during the magical nofap period, he will take my whole life away from me, and I don’t want to!


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