In the last few days in this forum and the week’s before, when I was lurking on /r/NoFap, I came across a lot of posts about people challenging to become “their best self”.
I admire that. I, too, want to become a better person, since PMO and the character I became through PMO and problems behind PMO are neither in my best interest, nor in the interest of the people around me.
But I realized that this puts a lot of pressure on me. Its even part of my problems, that I want to be perfect. At least I used to.
I can’t be perfect. Because there is no perfect. There is no right and wrong. And if you are aiming for that, it may work for a while but you will eventually and without doubt fail, which will only lead to disappointment and the old circle of self loathing. So it’s not about becoming my best self and not about only making good decisions. It’s about doing the things I want to do, and finding out what I do want. It’s about loving myself again. It’s about being content with what I am, and there will always be someone who will disagree, because it’s all subjective.
And noticing that helped me a lot, because now I can deal with mistakes, with bad decisions, with me doing something others don’t like, with everything that makes me human!
I feel the same way, about the idea of “perfection” i think we don’t know the truth and will probably never know it of how things should really be and how we should really behave and even if such a thing exist, but comparing ourselves with what society or the media tells us will never make us feel good because that’s not us and it’s made up, but when people say be your best self maybe it’s what you described, doing what YOU really want, fixing what you think YOU need to fix, feeling happy with who you are, that is in my opinion of what is your best self and it’s a road that lasts a lifetime.
True, I always liked to read but then I displaced it with video games on my Nintendo when I was 7. The video games made me aggressive and uncontrollable. I stopped playing soccer when I was 10 because in the video games I always won but in reality my team and me lost every match we had and I couldn’t deal with it. I was 11 when I got my first cellphone with touch function and 13 when I got my first smartphone where I first started to play ClashOfClans because everyone in my age did it. Now most of them are losers to their own life. However, I couldn’t stop playing it because it was a relief for me forgetting that I have a real life and very strong sweating hand palms. I was someone in ClashOfClans but no one in life, what an illusion for what…? When I was 14 I got finally access to wifi and class mates suggested to me to watch porn because I had interest. Now one of them had to repeat the 9th grade, another became a muslim with 16. I still can remember the first porn I watched. It was a lesbian porn and I was scared and fascinated at once. The first time I had an active orgasm with losing a lot of semen, it felt great! The years ago I tried to fap to pics of naked women but I never came. I had watched porn for 2 years and those years weren’t worth a second. Fuck what the media says, what the society says and those who have no control over their own lives. I’m done! After 268 days of no PMO I still have social anxiety, harmless urges and not a strong self-esteem. I need time for myself and you guys should too. This year needs some massive action in the words of Tony Robbins. I think too low of myself. Goals need their time and I need to be more patient to find the way how I work.