Hi. I am 29 years old. I started watching porn at 12 years old, and I was abused as a kid, so my sexuality started pretty young. Always with other boys at that age.
I was bullied at school because I have some autist personnality trait and because I was effiminate. I couldnt live my homosexuality as a kid, because I was afraid of other and what they could do to me.
I been beaten, strangled, insulted, by the other kids, and beaten by my mother at home. That caused that I had a lot of lack of self confidence, and the first time i started to think about suicide I was 10 years old.
So when I first fell into porn and had my first orgasm, it was a revelation to me. I became addicted to the sensation. And my tought were mainly about others boys of my age at that time.
Growing up, i sensed that something wasnt normal, cause if i was attracted to people of my age, when i was watching porn I wanted to see younger boys than me, boys the age where i started my sexuality.
Nodaway, i was able to put these things out of my mind and watch normal porn. I had somes girlfriends, a kid, but i wasnt happy. Something was wrong. And i was returning to illegal porn some times a years. Illegal porn that were a lot of the time accessible on legal porn sites. You all heard about pornhub, didnt you? They aint the only one. All to have views and suscribers.
I tought that porn was innofensive, that it was only to relieve my stress. But when my life was getting harder, i watched more and more porn. And i was become desensibilized to normal porn. I always wanted more. More daring, more violent, more young. Nothing normal about the teen category in porn sites, guys. Word teen says it all.
Anyway, when i tought i was at the bottom of my life, porn wasnt enough anymore. It always let me for more hunger. I had no much elses pleasures. I wanted it to be real. I was living in a sex fantasy. So I abused a underage.
And soon after, i denounced myself at the police station. I told them everything.
You can judge me, you can hate me, you can send me deathwish messages, but the reason why I share all of that, it is if i can save one person to cross that step, only one, it would not buy my sins off, but i would be happy to preserve two lifes. The one of the victim an the one of the abuser.
Because my victime surely lived hell, she needed to do therapy even if the act was non violent, it was no clear consent, she was not in the age of be able too. She will live the rest of her life with that. She will be juged for that. It will be part of her.
And for my side, i been to prison, lost my kid, lost nearly all my friends, my appartment, my job, half my family hates me and want to see me dead. Now I have a lot of legal restrictions, It is hard to find someone to share my life and I have to live in the fear that someone at my job, in my neibhorhood will discover that. Life is way harder than before, even if i didnt tought that possible.
All of that, because i wasnt able to control my sexual impulse. I should had go to therapy. I sould have stop porn way before. I should have admitted that i was a homosexual.
Instead, I masturbated. A lot.
So porn isnt innofensive as we would believe, not for someone like me. And I know that if i may be the only one to speak of that, to be honest, i am surely not the only one with pretty deviant tought here.
So that is why I wanted to share my story. Stop porn. Go search for help. Assume yourself.
If you have tought about underage persons, and you live in canada, go search for help at therapy. They are bound to the professional secret if no one is in danger. Dont wait like me to have done the fatal act. Cause you cant go back in time.
And for the others ones, stop being afraid. Assume yourself. I lived in fear of assuming my homosexuality since my childhood. Now, I am happy as ever to be comfortable with people like me. And I dont care what other people think. I should have realise that way before.
But I was watching porn instead.
Thank you for the reading.