I am allowed to let go

You will love your work, once it feels like free time.
You will hate our free time if it feels like work.

I finally realized that I am allowed to feel free. Free of how I have to behave. Free of how important, well-known or intelligent I have to be. Free of how I have to feel.

I once started playing computer games to impress my friends. I got appreciation for how good I was at it. I watched porn because it was the only way to see or “communicate” with a girl. Good marks gave me a good feeling and I got good marks by not getting tired. By studying hard and not getting rest. I watched porn and youtube to keep me awake during studies. I watched certain things just to get the feeling that a woman cares about me. When I felt lonely or unimportant, I hid in the virtual world.

And that is the facade that I built myself. I identified as the person who doesn’t get tired. The person who needs less sleep than others. The person with the better marks. The person who learns faster. The person who can have every girl he wants. This was the facade I maintained to keep myself safe.

Yesterday, I realized that I don’t need this anymore. There was a time were it was okay, where it had its reason. But now, I’m allowed to let go. It is safe to let go. During the time that I kept up this facade, life changed. I have a loving girlfriend, who will not judge me. She sees the person I am. I have friends who don’t wanna stab me with a knife once I give them an opening. They are supporting and caring. I don’t need to be the most intelligent since intelligence is not a universal, measurable quantity. The world has become safe for me and I can let go of my guard and enjoy free time.

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