Yesterday I survived a close encounter with relapse, but I’m extremely grateful that it didn’t happen.
My gran had a cute little toy pom puppy, a mischievous little thing that always found a gap in the fence between us and the neighbours. Yesterday she went over to the neighbours in the morning. My gran asked me to go get her, but the neighbours were out, and their dog is vicious and there is no way I could go in there.
Anyway I had to go out and I assured my gran everything would be fine because the puppy was happily playing with the other dogs. I and so I went out.
I got home and the neighbour was back home also, so I went over there asking them go give the puppy back. They said they hadn’t seen the puppy. She locked her vicious dog away and we walked around the yard looking for grans puppy. I noticed they had a Jacuzzi with a plastic cover floating on top. I lifted up the flap and to my horror saw the puppy in there, she had drown…
I was horrified, I feel so guilty. My gran is devastated… I felt strong urges to seek some self indulgent comfort, but I resisted. The real challenge came at night when I fell asleep, I wasn’t asleep long and I woke up with a fright after a dream replayed the horror of finding the puppy in the jacuzzi.
I had a bad night sleep and in the early hours of the morning my mind moved on to looking for comfort. I started dreaming of sex, and dreamt I was masturbating, in the confusion of being half asleep, I thought I had already started relapsing, and nearly started actually acting on it. Suddenly all the posts I’ve read in the past came to mind… other people who have masturbated in early hours of the morning while being in a state of low consciousness. And still others who relapsed when being sad.
I survived while being extremely sad, in the middle of an erotic dream with low levels of consiousnes… all thanks to the posts of the fellow warriors on this app. Thank you to everyone in the community, your experience really helped me.
Even though yesterday was extremely traumatic, the fact that I stayed true to my nofap friends and to myself and to my daughter (my inspiration to be a daddy and not a weak gross man)… has left me feeling victorious… I survived a massive challenge to my commitment… Thank you…