Its 11:00 pm,i relapsed 2 times,laying on my bed,and after that rn i am thinking about how i felt when i was on 200+ streak,how the women were attracted towards me,how confident i felt…
but then i met a girl,and she was the 1st girl to ever compliment me on my looks(i am 18 btw),i felt really great bcoz a really gorgeous girl,who is somewhat 4 yrs older than me,was attracted towards me,and boy from that moment,whole butterflies were in my stomach,1st time i thought i had a deep connection with someone.
We shared alot of deep stuff about life,spirituality and all,and from that sharing of thoughts i went crazy over her,like literally went crazy over her…
She began to appear in my dreams every single day,felt like our souls were connecting (idk if that was true or just ny imagination)…
I,after a month or 2 started having intense emotions about her,felt like her and mine’s emotions were one,and we were telepathically communicating with each other(as crazy as it may sound,it is true,i felt that,maybe i was crazy,or not)…
Then after a while she started ignoring me,all my texts,stories,but boy i just put my self respect aside and kept on texting her,and finally the day came,when i met her.
She just patted me on my back and looked at me in an investigating way(like looking at me from up to down)
And guess what she told me that she isnt been having good sleep,she had insomnia,and alot of weird dreams…
Now oh boy,i thought,is this really happening,is what i experience is true?,i took it as a sign from universe that this connection is something…
However,after a while,she again went back on ignoring me,and i felt completely devastated,didnt focused on myself,did nothing…
But after some time she sent me a romantic song,like really romantic,and again i put my head up into the clouds made of sunshine and rainbows,felt like i achieved everything i’ve ever wanted,oh boy at that time i even planned our marraige…
Buttttt…
She disabled her account for awhile and came back at ignoring me again…
And guess what,the telepathy thing i told you about earlier,told me,that she was depressed for ignoring me,she is running away from her feelings…
I couldnt handle that,i didnt knew if it was real or fake,or was i going crazy with different voices in my head…
Guys as crazy as it might sound,whenever i posted an instagram story,i had these emotions rushing through me,whenever she watched my stories,and i used to come to know if she has looked at my story or not.
I was sick of it,so i stopped texting her,hurted a lot and when i couldnt handle that hurt i relapsed at day 209,but i got back from it until she texted me “HEY BRO”
I just called her,and she was asking how am i doing and all,and she was calling out the word “bro” too many times,like she wanted me to hear it…
That was the time,i’ve had enough,i cant live with someone who’s not sure about me…{P.S. i think this was a twin flame connection i had,or maybe,as per law of attraction, i was the only one overthinking about her,which resulted in transferring my emotions to her in her dreams too.}
From that moment onwards i felt empty i watched porn iver and over again,cant focus on studies right now,in a negative mindset,feeling ashamed of myself,currently thinking if God would forgive me for the sins i am doing by watching these dirty videos…
Guys i feel very alone,i’ve shifted to a new place for education,dont have no great friends,just playing video games,watching series,fapping,oh the only positive thing i am doing is following a good diet and exercise…
I havent been sleeping well…
I am being a straight bitch i know that,crying over a girl,and using porn as an escapism,but guys my focus is lost,feel like i have no ambition,no goal,just darkness…
But in this darkness there is a light,there is hope for me for that i have seen what nofapper feels like…
Guys i have a lot of self doubts,inferiority complex,everyone i meet just tries to dominate me,i remembered all of the bullying i went through in the past,and i feel scared and alone,like everyone’s out there to get me,and no matter what i try,people always ignore me…
I am tired of this mindset,i want it to go away,dude this is not even an appropriate age to get into relationship…
This is down bad i’ve ever been,all the negativity in my head creeping up on me…
I am crying while writing this…
However there is one thing i can never do,i.e. give up.
I need your advice and comments on my story,please it would help me out…
Should i see a psychiatrist?I am getting better ,i dont feel those telepathic thoughts i used to feel earlier…I know this sounds crazy,but it is what it is.
I dont want to be this shy kid anymore…
My anxiety is beem so high that while writing this,i am thinking if someone reading this is gonna make fun of me for sharing something like this,but i just dont care bcoz i literally dont have the energy to…So yeah thats it…
Please share your advices for me brothers would really help.