Hi all. I just need to get this out of my head. If anyone have some advice or anything to add, feel free. It will be much appeciated as I feel stucked and I just want to bang my head against wall.
Yesterday was just perfect and today I feel so drained. I feel empty inside and I feel nothing. I feel scared and useless and not worty. I dont even know why. I just want to stop all that and especially todays misery.
Yesterday I had a date, it was nice, both of us had great day (at least I think she had great day too, as signs of feeling bad were not there). Maybe I did some mistakes but I was genuine and she was too IMO.
Now I feel like shit. I did not do much today, as I felt exhausted after yesterday (on feet, driving and hiking from 7AM to 10PM). I am going to do some workout, even if I dont really want to, but I need to start moving or else my thoughts and depression will kill me today. I feel so alone, I am thinking whole day today and I am practicing present moment and I did not do any overthinking so excesively in few weeks and I even took afternoon nap. And it is worst day in last 2 months and if I will not count relapses then it is worst day since October last year.
How the hell can one great day with someone who you see for the first time change mindset and mood that much?
I am not saying that I felt instant connection or something, but I felt so alive yesterday. Today I feel like dead inside. Until yesterday I was completelly perfect (in some sort) with my conditions, like having stupid lockdown here, being alone, not having SO, working on myself and having troubles with dating and socializing.
Yesterday I broke that cycle and I just dont know what happend. I feel like I went 4 months back or even more and not clearly seeing what I achieved so far. It all like blured somewhere far.
Thanks for at least reading this, as was initially not planned to write it here, but I feel that if I write it just for myself, it will not help me.