I am ashemed of my existence. i m a working professional. not a single thing in my whole life till now is as per what it should have been. i ahave no courage and no spine to stand by any opinion, and worst is i dnt hav any opinion. as a child i was too soft on my own mind and did not give any stretch to overcome mind and act wisely. the self esteem is zero. i lost my mother while i was done wd my final year of degree. no job after it. felt like my father is making me more depressed each day as he is a very strict person. i had childhood trauma due to beatings. but I say all of it was for my good. i got a job in low grade company with mere sal of 7000 INR. was doing 16 hrs or sometimes 24 hr job. my logical thinking was like a person pulling cart. degree was earned with theoretical work. admission was taken with a paid seat by hard earned money of family. over all i feel shit. feel like i do not deserve to even breath. then later one of my school mate asked me for marriage, as she loved me and i did not had courage to stand and say no to her , even though she was not so liked by family but now as i said yes the marriage happened. by that time to get rid of responsibility of my dominant father i had asked and agreed for his second marriage. that lady n her daughter prooved to be no lesser than daily soap vamps. mean while the daughter of that woman started seducing me, and we had kisses and foreplay for nearly 2 yrs till the time I felt really sick about this as technically she was my sis and this thing which i and she became habitual of was disgusting. luckily we never had full sex else further worsening would hav happened. i forcefully stopped this activity, so she used her intelegence2 to throw me out of the house and i got separated. later that woman filed a fake police complaint against me and my father n my relatives for family violence where police came to arrest me! my father and my would be father in law helped me by giving me a lawyer and saved me. in my whole life my actions of running away sunk my ship. my father is strict but not a bad person, he is a loving n caring person. after my mother was gone, his life and my life had taken worst turns. after my marriage me and my wife were living in a separate house. i worked wd a good company by that time but on contract basis, my wife is also a gem of a person and very sensitive. as i did marry her due to my dilemma the natural love did not come, she was very skinny n short also not so good looking. hence, our pair was a mismatch in view of all relatives. they consistently reacted such that she was underestimated and as i was not having feelings, i fell short to many times protect her from such behaviours. later slowly slowly i came to know the duties of husband. I was like in dire need of some mental rehabilitation till even few months back. it was not happening. continuously incidences kept on happening to distort me. i was afraid of my bosses similar to that of my father i was afraid… now as a leader in my family n professional life still am struggling. was this not enough , three years back i found telegram and in that found bad chatting groups providing diff. perverts to access the personal contents of ur life. i developed a creepy shit fantasy about my innocent wife being a cuckold. since that tine till yesterday night i hav a bad habit of sharing her images to strangers and ask then to comment dirty on it. in reality i would never do this but in fantasy this is killing me and what remaining self esteem i have. my wife had slowly realized that i dnt lov her and she remains very upset and asks me why did I ruin her life ? but now we have a child so i hav to take care of it and live as long as i complete my duties for it atleast. i hv achieved nothing so great that i could stand even in front of mirror. i have brought shame to my late mother , disturbed father, my wife n all well wishers… but i will live n work till i breath.
Nothing of this not a word i can share to anyone in my family and i dnt have any friend as did not have mind set n condition to make one. so, i am sharing the shit here. learning frm this for me is, your mind fools u a big way and u gotta fuck it instead of other people, as they are out of ur control but atleast u can straighten ur decisions n act as per the Intelligence over blood sucking mind the useless one.
You need some help…
Its good that you shared all here, it shows hat you really want to get rid out of this shit.
And please don’t do, what you are doid til last yeaterday (Sharing wife’s pictures to strangers).
And the best person than can really help you is Swami Vivekanand. So, i will suggthat please read his books. His sayings are so powerful and authorative that it will surely help you.
Delete telegram, and other social media accounts which are not helpful for you… Try to do some exercises and yog pn daily basis…
May God Help you.
Brother thanks for sharing your story. I can understand how it feels. You have confessed many things actually but I could not find where you’re proud of something. For instance,
First and foremost you should never think you are a worthless human being. Do you think everyone’s life is easy and going how they expect? If you think so, then you are not correct. Life gives different challenge each and everyone differently at different stage. To live a life happily you should learn how to manage and correct the mistakes. Few things you should never repeat is that, never disrespect someone Identity.
Prove to yourself that you can be true to yourself. You are strong when you work for yourself and for your family
love definition is actually different from person to person. Do something good for others. So grab this life back and make your late mom proud.
Things to improve,
- Self esteem
2.Take care of others
3.Gratitude for having people around you( a son, faithful wife,strict dad,a job) - Live a life which you always wanted. State your opinion.anf much more.
Find all of the things and slowly one at a time. Correct it. Again this requires lot of commitments and courage. Wishing you all the best. Be Happy!!
sure thanks. i am in process of taking correctives.
hi, thank u 4 taking time out to read my post. u r right about sv. i am living only with help of swami vivekanand books and audios. else i dnt know what more could hv gone wrong.
believe me i am trying hard to get rid of the gray hulk that takes over while i do bad. i need to keep the good one alive and fight.
Damn how notorious and evil this brain is , when not put in right way. Just remember after every night morning has to come. That dark night can be of 1 day, 2 day or 1 year , but remember one day a bright sunshine will definitely come . Age is just a number , it’s never too late to start. There are many examples of Legends , who have made it big in other age despite being in their 60’s and 70’s . Delete Telegram and follow nofap.
yes its the mind which is useless and uncontrollable portion of brain.
Bro, you have to realize a few things that you can be grateful for. You are not having a bad life, but you are making it bad with your own actions.
To tell you how fortunate you have been, I used to be among the sharpest of students in school and college, but still 3-4 years of my life went by doing nothing. I’m 24 and unemployed. By Indian standards, I can be considered average in appearance too, but I don’t have any friends in real life either, and I don’t even know any woman in reality, let alone them loving me. When I was in 6th standard, mother of one of my neighbour and schoolmate died. It was so hard for a child his age, he failed in 6th, but still he overcame it and is now having a better life than me atleast. The babysitter of my niece is about 18-19 yo. Both of her parents died even before she was 15, and there was noone to help her, so she began to work in people’s houses to help herself. One of my relatives was exploited by his own family. He doesn’t have a degree, so he was working very hard to earn 10-15,000 ten years ago, and even today he is working at the same salary. Just for context, he is older than you, is married and has 2 small children.
But do you notice a pattern there? Despite of so many things going wrong, everyone is fighting. Life is not easy. It might trick you to believe that your life is harder than others, but the truth is that everyone has problems. But we must fight. We don’t necessarily have to feel like a winner, but atleast we have to feel like a fighter. If we just give up and accept that we are ultimate disappointments and our lives are not worth it, then we are failing the very spirit of life that mother nature has gifted us.
I remember a line from Shawshank Redemption here- “get busy living or get busy dying”. In either case, you’ll have to struggle and fight.
Start with quitting that group and deleting every similar filth which act like external triggers. Delete obscene photos of your wife and any other female that exists in your phone or computer. Start focussing on your work. Look after your wife, your child and yourself. If it appears hard, join a yoga class or gym or start doing any physical activity every morning after waking up. Do house chores, help your wife and make her feel that you love her. Seriously man, do you even realize how rare is it to find someone who actually loves you? Appearance is a temporary illusion which will fade away with your growing body, learn to love the human instead. If she would look at you as objectively as you do, she would have never even thought about you, but she chose to love your soul. You can learn that too, probably with her help. It all can start with a simple but heartfelt “sorry”.
Take care.
Brother, just follow religion, you have to believe that there is the god who is watching our actions. We are going to be present against him someday. How will we face him with all of this past actions, and no corrective measures. I am muslim and this is only the thing which push me to do better in life, i always try to improve, what if i did a sin, as long as i regret and asked for forgiveness and try my best to correct things Allah is going to forgive me (inshaAllah). He is most kind and most merciful. There is a life after death and we are going to stand with our book of deeds. If i asked for forgiveness and did good, there will be everything ok. Hope you will understand. We are animals without God in our life. InshaAllah you will do better, you need determination. All the best.
Thank you for putting this up. I was thinking that my life sucks. This shitty self pity has taken over me. And I have to get stronger
I feel that
Very much
Bro it’s alright we also had these kind of issues it’s great that u shared over here no one can share this infact a person who is willing to change his life good luck bro for ur future life work hard be happy stay blesses
Yes bro, you have to. You know the difference between being a boy and being a man is to face the pain, feel the pain, endure it and fight it rather than running away from mere thoughts of pain. We , as humans, underestimate our strength and believe that we can’t do certain things which we wanna do, while the fact is that we never even tried. Get up bro, its time to beat it now.
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