I’ve never been neither a harcore porn user nor a hardcore masturbator. But I always had trouble starting to have sex with a girl (and later, a woman) I’d liked. For example, when I had my first real chance with my first girlfriend, I was 18yo and I failed, although we’ve done all kinds of stuff and I used to get hard constantly. Then, as time went by, we built sexual intimacy and I grew confident and we had a very nice sexual life during our relationship, which lasted 4 years.
Since we broke up, 5, years ago, I had constant trouble having sex. I remember I was dating a very hot girl, and we spent 2 nights together, but I wasn’t able to get hard. But in the meantime between those 2 nights, me and that first girlfriend met and we had sex and I was so aroused that we did it in the car in the street! Soon after that second chance with the hot girl, I had sex with a friend of mine, who I didn’t even found sexy, and I was so drunk and so into it. Then, the other day, wothout drinking, we did it again.
So I understood that I needed intimacy to have sex. And that’s ok. That’s normal. And I was fine with that. But those episodes, and some others, made me very insecure, so I’ve been alone for most of the last 5 years, and had sex only a few times.
So here comes the current problem, for which I’m seeking help here:
I think that the combination of regular PMO and no real sex got me dependent of porn in order to get aroused, I got to this conclusion in 2019. So I started a rewiring. In mid october I stoped watching porn and masturbating altogether. By december, I began masturbating without porn, which was something I wasn’t able to do for a long time. By this time, I realised that some kind of rewiring had been succesfully concluded, and was getting aroused at the sight of women, and thinking about women. Also I was happier in those days. I didn’t had sex because I didn’t had a chance, but I’m shure it would go well if I did. Then I traveled for one week between christmas and new year. When I got back home (this was january 2020) I had a major relapse and everything went down the toilet (literally). I instantly felt all that energy and sexual desire go away. And for the most part of 2020 I’ve masturbated with porn regularly. As I said, I’ve never been a compulsive masturbator. I used to do it once a day, or every other day. At max twice a day, but ot was rare.
Then, I decided to rewire again. And I’m currently in day 50. I didn’t find it hard to do it this time. But I started dating a girl. Two weeks into our dating time I had a chance to do it with her, but I didn’t feel aroused at all. She was naked in front of me, I was masturbating her and watching her cum time after time and my johnson didn’t even move. That was day 42 of rewiring and I didn’t feel anything.
So, two days ago, I was in a friend’s house in thr countryside and I decided to try and masturbate (without porn, of course). It wasn’t specially hard to do it, but it wasn’t specially good too.
I hadn’t met the girl I’m dating again, although she showed interest (we talked about my dificulties to have sex whithout building intimacy and she was comprehensive), and we will meet again. But I’m worried. Should I continue masturbating (without porn, of course) to, I don’t know, light up my libido again? Or to masturbate was an error? Does it mean that I have to start the counting from day 1 again if I didn’t watch any porn?
P.s.: A couple years ago, I went to a doctor to talk about my dificulties, and he asked me to make some tests. The results were ok, and we kind of concluded that it was all psychological. And so it seemed, since I got hard easily with some women and didn’t get aroused at all with others.
