How many more years of this uphill/downhill struggle will you be stuck in? As I move through this endless groundhog day, I hear the voice inside me of my frowning kid self - “You promised me you would never be like them. You promised me you would be different”.
3, 2, 2, 2, 1, 3, 1, 1. That has been my streak
My best overall was 10, I can barely get to 3, and at 5 I get extreme pangs of existential crisis and the impending feelings of death freeze me to the point of inaction. I have become an addict. The one type of person I absolutely hate with disgust.
Looking back I have avoided writing about my struggle and fight. Admitting my faults to the depths of the internet is… scary. But you have to acknowledge that I haven’t been able to do this alone, and I need to try different things as trying the same thing over and over again is madness.
Jokes aside, it’s all about the spiral. After every relapse you choose consciously or subconsciously either set yourself up for failure or success. If you just say “I’m so disappointed in myself, I’ve got to beat this” - you set yourself up for FAILURE. Your regret allows yourself to acknowledge what you have done is bad and move on without making any improvements to yourself. When has regret ever prevented you from relapsing?
“WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD OH MY GOD IT’S SO GOOD I’M WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW JESUS FREAKING. I’M SO ADDICTED. BUt I STILL WANNA WATCH” - ahem. So full disclosure as I was writing this, I got hungry, ate some food, and started watching porn on my phone. As I watched I opened up my laptop and remembered I was writing this, so instead of stopping I wrote the above to capture why I was relapsing… I’m in a really bad spot.
It’s about the spiral. Since willpower isn’t enough for you, you need to note the cause of the trigger and create a plan to prevent it. If PMO is all about sliding Delta FossB pathway, then you need to stop it at the top.
So for me just now this would look like:
Trigger: Started watching youtube, then something happened and I started watching porn. Not sure when the urge came along, so next time I will try to pinpoint the exact moment. Maybe it was a thumbnail not sure.
Trigger Object: Phone
Plan: Turning off wifi on my phone, disabling the chrome app, using my watch for alarms, and leaving my phone in my bag next to my door far way from my bed and table
Over time I will accumulate in this table:
|Date Added||Trigger/Trigger Object||Why my previous fix failed||What I’m going to do about it|
|2022-03-27||Laptop||N/A||Using an chrome extension that tracks, logs, and blocks websites|
|2022-03-27||Phone||Needed chrome during travel to look up something urgent, and forgot to disable it afterwards. The phone was to easy to grab from my bag .||Turning off wifi on my phone, disabling the chrome app, using my watch for alarms, and leaving my phone in my bag next to my door far way from my bed and table|
|2022-04-18||Phone||N/A||Using an adult-site blocker instead of disabling chrome. Continuing to use watch for alarms. Putting my phone in a box at the bottom of my bag away from my bed and table.|
And finally I thought it’d be fun to do a poll to help decide how I should communicate with everyone here.
How should I write entries?
- Every time I relapse
- Whenever I feel like it
- Every day regardless of how I feel
Editors note: This entry and all future entries are written with a mix of 1st and 3rd person. When using “you” I’m referring to myself from the future. This means what I’m saying here may not apply to you directly, but if it does you must acknowledge you have the same problems as me and need to fix them.