Forever aflame: Ash_Matt's diary

Day 16

Very annoyed with myself because even though I was super productive, I came so damn close to relapsing. In fact, I haven’t relapsed just due to willpower+amazing blockers set up. But I’m annoyed that even though I was so productive still I almost lost all of this.
The reason I didn’t relapse was that I didn’t want to lose all of the energy, attraction and drive that I have gained so far. I need to convert all this extra energy into somewhere else. Let’s see how that goes.
I have exams in 2 weeks :neutral_face: so I need to study for them.

Other than that, yesterday was good. In the morning I had a study date, then we went out for lunch. After that I came back, studied some more and then went and played basketball. Pretty good day (it was a holiday) since I managed to study for around 7-8 hours. I think if one finds what they are studying fun, it is easy to study it. I never get tired of studying these subjects I have right now :smiley:

Flame on :fire:

4 Likes

Bro, just on the day I broke my last streak I was super productive myself, all green ticks and even studied for 8 hours and later on bam relapse :sweat_smile::joy:, I think when we are too productive our mind craves something to wind down even though winding down with pmo is a fallacy but a part in our brain (the addicted one) doesn’t understand that, so what can be done to deal with this hmmmmm, maybe finding something else, something better to wind down.

4 Likes

That’s a very good point. I haven’t thought of that before. It’s funny how even after 2 weeks this craving is still so strong. Must have been a powerful habit. Anyways, I’m on my way to rewire it and so are you :handshake: :fire:

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Day 0

:smiling_face_with_tear:

Back to zero.

I don’t feel the pull to watch porn anymore. I don’t want any chaser effect or binge nonsense. I just had a little too much free time in my hands, which fell through a small loophole. I have fixed it, and I will not fall this way again and do my best to stay clean forever.

Reasons I slipped:

  • Didn’t work out as much. Because I don’t want to spend time in the gym with exams coming up pretty close. Which means I have more energy. I will at least do some home workouts from now
  • Wasn’t disciplined enough in some respects. Which I will fix this time
  • Didn’t meditate daily. I think meditation is really important for focus and getting the mind under control
  • PEEKING = RELAPSE. Don’t. Ever. Peek. Not even very mild “soft” porn

My past streak was amazing though, and I am proud of the things I achieved.

Academically, I was able to keep up with stuff (even though it’s all very new :sweat_smile: ) while also managing my basketball, gym and athletics. I became much more social, almost like an introvert becoming an extrovert.
Girls used to like me a lot. I know several admitted they had a crush on me xD but, I’m still part of the #goalsbeforegirls gang @Samaranjay @nofapstar123 @GOVIND-19 @rewire_user @Dean_Ambrose
and I’m not going to date now. But still, they used to initiate touch and want to be around me for some reason.

One thing I’m not so proud of is that I wanted to keep my streak going also for the reason that so many girls (and guys) gave me attention. While it’s important and also valid, I don’t want this to be a big reason for my streak. Let it be a reason, sure, but I want my primary reasons to be self-development and honouring God and so on. Sometimes I feel that it’s a bit good lost my streak simply because I got time to reflect about this and realize this thing about me.

I also want to update my diary daily, even though it’s hard to get time.

New daily schedule (basically the old thing but with a few changes) that I want to keep:

Time Activity
4/4:30 am Awake and freshen up, study
7:25 am Prepare for college
5:00 -7:30pm Study
7:30-8:30 pm Work out, shower, dinner etc.
8:30- 9:00 Chill time, post on RC

Things I will do daily:

  • Meditate
  • Laundry
  • Make my bed
  • Work out

Things I will do once every three days:

  • Take out the trash
  • Eat fruits
  • My haircare and skincare routines

I will follow this schedule and do my best to post updates daily :+1:
Thank y’all so much for the support <3
Flame on

3 Likes

Same here

:smiling_face_with_tear:

Yes that’s an absolute truth, even if you manage to not MO to that minor peeking at the moment your mind becomes weak and a full blown relapse happens few days down the line.

Hell yeah

:muscle::fire:

:100:

Never give up mate :fire:.
Let’s flame on

3 Likes

Day 1

Schedule all complete :white_check_mark:

I miss the drive. Inused tinhave so much drive to study and work. Now Im just passive. Just forcing myself to slowly study. I really regret relapsing.
I will not fail. I cannot fail.

I hate PMO and its lies.

Thats all for today I guess.
Flame on :fire:

5 Likes

Day 2

Schedule all complete :white_check_mark:

The day was not bad. But I have so much to study, it’s all med school-related :cold_face: and it seems like it will never end, I’m studying hard right now but still…
Besides that, the day was pretty decent. I studied a bit and skipped lunch because I was busy. Also today another girl told me she liked me, but I told her I wasn’t into dating right now :person_shrugging:
Gonna sleep early so I can grind.

Flame on
:fire:

4 Likes

Yoo. Flame on :fire::fire::fire::fire::facepunch:

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Now I wish that I should have joined medical :joy:.

4 Likes

:joy::joy:exactly. Me too :joy:

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Legendary medic :fire::fire::fire:

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This is the best therapy.I agree. but @Ash_Matt no more relapses please. Can you recall last time when did you cross 100 days without PMO?

1 Like

Aye aye!
Thanks man. And no, I haven’t crossed 100 days without PMO yet. This time, let’s see what I got. 100 days or more :fire: I’ll give it my best.

4 Likes

It won’t be easy you know that very well. But, I know you can make this true. Sometimes you say peeking also relapse. Now I don’t want to have a debate argue either. Peeking you may find more difficult not sure how you gona come to a realistic plan but for me, intentionally if i am watching and enjoying the video then I’ll count as a relapse.(nightfall excluded since not intentional) For me also equally challenging because from a long time i didn’t even cross 30. I’ll try my best. It’s a promise . Let’s see who remains :slight_smile:

1 Like

Day 3

Schedule mostly complete

Woke up a bit late because I was tired. Wasted some time last night talking to one of the seniors in our college because we are close friends and I used to have a crush on her :joy: :man_facepalming:. I call her from time to time but still, these next three weeks will be only studying for me since my exams are coming up on 23rd to 28th.
No wasting time, ESPECIALLY not talking too much to girls.
Weather is gloomy here so didn’t feel like studying in the evening. Took a nap and now I’ve got some coffee and I’m going to study for a bit tonight. Hope I can finish what I have to.
Haven’t gone to the gym in quite a while. Don’t get time for any workouts. Only thing I do daily to keep my muscle tone is pushups.

That’s all for now. Just need to get past these three weeks for now.
Flame on
:fire:

6 Likes

Day 4

Schedule done :white_check_mark:

The exam was good. Now just worried about the sessionals coming up in two weeks. Will be really busy with other stuff too, so I need to make time to study.
An issue I have currently is distraction. Today I didn’t have much mood to study, and towards the end, I just gave up and came back to the hostel (I usually study in the library to get the study vibes and for motivation. Only in the mornings do I study in my room). The issue is that my crush also comes and studies there :roll_eyes: it’s the most kiddish thing I can imagine being distracted by, but it’s so annoying. I can’t focus, but whenever we go out together or hug and stuff (like today for example) I feel so happy.
I mean, it’s not that I don’t like these feelings or that I don’t want them. It’s just that now is not the damn time for them. I thought I had killed those feelings for her, I just wanted her to be “close friends” as she calls us. Nothing more. I will end these feelings for her. I don’t need them right now.
Other than that, I’m snacking too much. Eating unhealthy. Of course, it’s a medico thing. Doctors never get time to take care of themselves :joy: all my seniors and all agree. But still, I will not eat unhealthily, or at least I will do my best to keep it to a minimum.

That’s my minor rant ended now. Off to bed
Flame on
:fire:

5 Likes

Hmmmngmmmnnmmhmmmmnmmmmmnnnnnmnnhnn

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Danger zone :slight_smile: Especially don’t be close to girls, Be a good friend I would say from my past experience. That is more than sufficient. :slight_smile: You might be starting your career,i’m like old guy who is like experienced these in college days back in 2014 !! Good requires only necessary feelings/support. Close doesn’t have any limits so be careful and good luck.

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Bro what does that even mean :joy:

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That’s true. Thank you for your advice.
But the thing is, boundaries are a whole lot easier if both friends are Christian :smile: idk about other religions, since I don’t know enough about their worldviews, but in Christianity, the boundaries are well set. All my close/best friends, both guys and girls, are Christians, so we never really have had an issue with that.
But still, as you said, it’s important to know the limits and not go unnecessarily close to them/cross them. Thanks for the reminder.

5 Likes