Forerunner's Diary - Ascension to Greatness

A good day again.

I was reading through an old diary of mine. That young man used to relapse so much. If only we could see how much pain it would cause us in the future. That one time you decide to go back to PMO may lead to 20 more times. Every day counts. Everything matters.

Thank GOD for another day.

Day 5.

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Amen! Thank you bro. :pray:

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Very good congratulations you can continue like that, my friend, I’m about to finish on the 8th

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My confidence is slowly coming back, mood is improving. I’m feeling more strength to keep going. I received some compliments today which really helped encourage me.

It’s too easy to build a habit of thinking negative things about yourself, especially when dealing with an addiction. I want to change that.

Thank GOD for another day.

Day 6.

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@Aoshigreen

That used to be a big problem of mine - binging in the days after a relapse. I’d keep saying I’d start again tomorrow but I’d come up with another lie the next day to justify continuing. There’s no good reason to stick around in the pot that’s boiling you alive.

Thanks for dropping by brother :smiley:

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@MacMorrow Thank you! That’s good to hear man, keep going!

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Today was a very good day. The benefits are coming back much faster this time around. I’ve met at least 10 women in the past few days, and I’ve been able to maintain conversations to a good level, without constantly breaking eye contact or awkwardness. I’m more confident generally and it shows.

I’m thinking about what I want to achieve this year and what I can do to get there. I don’t want to come to 2020 unemployed and searching for work. There are so many opportunities for success out there. I will find one that works for me and make things happen, GOD willing.

There’s a sense of clarity you get when the brain fog leaves you. PMO is self-destructive in so many ways. I learned so many new things from the last relapse, I now want to anticipate any issues that could come up in the future and find ways to tackle before they happen.

Thank GOD for another day.

Day 7.

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Here am I, again. It’s been a while.

I don’t have the words to express the shame I’ve felt this year. After reaching my highest ever streak and falling, it’s been a struggle to even reach 2 weeks. I’ve carried a heavy burden of deep shame and regret. The depression which left me in December 2018 came back, and stronger than ever to make up for the lost time. Family life, relationships, finances, my health, so many things started falling apart. I felt the biggest hypocrite for seemingly making spiritual progress in front of others, but GOD and I knew what I was up to in the dark. I accepted the pain and misery reaching me from all corners like some sort of deserved divine retribution.

Shame is a deeply powerful emotion. I couldn’t face coming back here to share my relapse stories again and again. I abandoned my companions in the heat of battle; people who had helped me, inspired and taught me; people who relied on me for support. My ego and pride were hurt. I was vocal on the forum before, sharing advice and insights all over the place, but now I wasn’t following any of my own words. I was a shell of my former self.

But thank GOD for friends who keep persisting in trying to get through to you. One close friend of mine really communicated to me how PMO was completely destroying my life and he could barely recognize me anymore. He spoke to me about the dozens of times I told him I was truly ‘done this time,’ and how with each relapse he could see I was losing part of myself. When would I really be done? At 30? 50? Would I ever break free? He told me he really wanted to have faith in me, but I was making it so hard for him to continue to believe I could break free of the addiction. His words brought me to tears. At that moment I could feel the urgency again, that notion that I may be stuck in this cycle forever unless I do something now.

So, here am I, reporting for duty again with my tail between my legs and my head down. I’ve been absolutely humbled by how much power this addiction has had over me, and I understand that after 13 years of addiction, the journey doesn’t end for me at day 90. Or 180, or even a year. I have to be committed to showing up every day because this is a lifetime battle. And the few days I experienced free of this were proof enough that life is beautiful without it, and I’m not missing out on a thing, but gaining a great future.

There is still more than half of the year to go, time to turn 2019 around.

Always thank GOD for everything.

Day 13.

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Great to see you back here brother. I hope you are doing good now. If you want any sort of help in combating depression and in the NoFap journey, please reach out to us. All of us are here to help each other and attain the success.

What other better option do we have my brother? It is so sure that the life with out addiction is far better than the life we are living right now. It may take 90 days or 180 days or may be 1 or 2 years. But no matter how long it takes, through out the process, we are improving. Every single day with out PMO, we are attaining success. We are attaining peace. So no matter we relapse once, twice, thrice or 100 times, we should get back up and continue our journey. Who knows, this NoFap attempt may be the best one of us and this may be the one in which we attain complete freedom from this addiction. We should always be optimistic and should try each time with out best.

Am sharing one of my favorite passage from The Alchemist:

“Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.’”

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Thank you brother. It’s good to be back. I’m sticking around for good this time. Come sunshine or thunderstorms, I’ll be here God willing.

So true, we have to give everything we have with each attempt,as that could be the one we finally break free.

Wonderful passage, I need to read that book! I’ve heard many good things about The Alchemist.

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It’s a must read brother. And very small book too. You can finish it very fast.

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I’m definitely adding that one to my list.

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Great to see you here again bro, and dont worry about this failure. The important thing is to recognize that pmo is hurting you and not giving up. You have our support. You can trust in all of us, who know what it is to suffer and fight for this addiction⚔️

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I mean, we all should be proud of ourselves first.
We are among that 1 percent of people who recognises and fighting this addiction. And I always get positive feeling when absolute strangers all over the world helping and supporting each other on this platform.
It’s an absolute treat to watch.

NB: Oops. Sorry for spamming your diary.

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Thank you my friend! Glad to have your support.

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It’s incredible when you stop to think about it!

Don’t concern yourself with that at all brother, feel free to post here.

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I finally managed to break past two weeks again. I’m grateful for this new start.

All I have is the present moment, so I’m taking each day as it comes. As long as I make sure to do something daily to advance my recovery, I’ll do very well. I’ve been spending time learning and researching more about PMO and looking at success stories and strategies. I’m realizing more and more the permanent changes I want to make in my life.

Exercising regularly is definitely one of them. I heard this story today about a man who was suffering from severe insomnia. He became suicidal and told his doctor that he was planning to kill himself. The doctor didn’t try to convince him this was a terrible mistake or to look at all the good that there still was in his life. Instead, the doctor said he should kill himself in a noble way; he should die after exhausting himself physically. The doctor told him to run around the block until he could run no more and do this everyday until he finally collapsed. But by the third day of running, his insomnia was gone and he could sleep peacefully. Weeks went by and his depression had disappeared. Daily exercise had such a profound effect on his physical and mental health and wellbeing. Time to get my piece of that pie!

Always thank GOD for everything.

Day 15.

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Keep going bro… Fighters like you are an inspiration to us all :+1:

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Thank you my friend, it brings tears to my eyes to be called an inspiration. GOD willing I will be one soon. In the meantime we will all continue to fight. :facepunch:t4:

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You are an inspiration indeed.
I have huge respect for you from the very little i know about you and what i have read from your diary.

You should be proud man.

Yes, we shall fight this together.

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