I was reflecting on the problems Iām experiencing right now compared to May two months ago.
Problems like getting tasks accomplished daily towards my goals, waking up in good time ( thanks to @anon67854825, Iāve realized that sleeping in does me no favours), completing my exercises, eating healthily and spending quality time with family and friends.
In May, I was depressed, hiding away from the world, drowning in debt with -Ā£998 in my bank account, I was sneaking to the store at night to eat cakes and icecream as a reward/pick-me-up after constant relapses, and my goals were nowhere in sight.
Iāll take these so-called problems any day!
Iāve seen a number of my companions relapse recently; it saddened me quite a bit. One had over 295 days on his counter! I pray we can all leave this behind so we live the free and fulfilling lives we deserve.
@HappySoul Regular exercise really does wonders for you bro. Iāve been through 2 flatlines so far and the exercise really helped me break through it. Also, it curbs urges and provides a positive source of dopamine, so that really helps on this journey.
I can see that urges have come back after a long time. I havenāt really had any for about a month. But theyāre far reduced in intensity and frequency. The loud roar pushing me back to PMO in the past has become the annoying buzz of a fly.
The journey gets easier with time. GOD willing, Iāll keep moving forward. No overconfidence; every urge must be defeated and not allowed to linger.
Today was stressful. Sweltering heat at 36Ā°C - Londonās weather is trying to compete with Dubai on that front it seems. I woke up in good time, got prepared to do my daily tasks and fell straight back asleep again. I ended up being late to work. Thank GOD I at least completed my exercises though. More urges again today, more urges defeated. Praise Him!
Itās amazing how you can read a text a few times before finally absorbing the lesson fully. Hereās what I picked up from Power over Pornography:
Blaming stress, anger, boredom, depression, strong urges and more for PMO is giving your power away. We lose our power when we blame someone or something else for our own choices.
None of the reasons for PMO in the past were valid reasons. We had trained our brains to PMO as a result of experiencing negative emotions and feelings in the past, and since then it has been an almost involuntary response whenever we experience them again.
But we are completely responsible for our own behavior. And it is absolutely impossible to avoid negative emotions; they are part of living as a human being. Avoiding problems means they arenāt dealt with, so they come back again and stronger the next time. Problems are solved by confrontation, not avoidance.
Today I resumed looking for another job. Iām very grateful to be employed, considering I wasnāt back near the start of the year. Thank GOD for money coming in! But minimum wage is not where I belong or intend to remain.
I can really feel a change in myself. This is both thrilling and terrifying at the same time. GOD forbid I should fall back down again. Iām worried about being overconfident. That is what brought me down last time. Iāve come up with a new strategy based on what Iāve learned, and by following it, GOD willing I will remain free forever.
Today, Iāll share what I learned from The 6 Pillars of Self Esteem about āhappiness anxiety.ā
When someone has low self-esteem and a poor opinion of themselves, their actions tend towards proving them right. They donāt believe they deserve to have happiness or success in their life.
If events start happening in their life which bring joy and positive emotions, they become anxious because this conflicts with their negative self-image. This is when they self-sabotage in order to restore ābalanceā, which is actually no balance at all but just a continued state of supposedly deserved unhappiness.
Many times, I would relapse after reaching a month on hard mode, or relapse after having a really good and happy day. I did not believe someone like me who has done the shameful things I had done deserved happiness. This wasnāt conscious, but that is what I was doing to myself. I had to do a deep self-analysis to understand why I kept self-sabotaging.
Very true in my life aswell. People are afraid of what they can become. It is scary when you think about it, the thought arises āCan I deal with this new self?ā But your ānew selfā is actually your true self. The old you is the shame filled sinner that God never intended you to be.
@Sacred The new self is the true self! What a concept!
Youāre absolutely right; He never intended for us to fall into darkness. The light may be a bit blinding at first, but it is where we were always supposed to live.
Bless you for sharing brother. Iāll remember that this is me adjusting to my true destiny.
Today was a relaxing day. I spoke to my friend from Rewire Companion and he gave me a new perspective on this journey. Our relationship to sexuality has become so warped by the addiction; we have to relearn the proper way to express these feelings and emotions.
Iāll share something from my Power over Pornography homework today:
Using āSAPSā in the Past and Avoiding Dealing with Urges:
Suppression - In the past, I tried to pretend the temptation wasnāt there. I ignored it and tried to focus on something else. I used to ignore the feelings of temptation and arousal I was experiencing and just hope it would go away.
Avoidance - In the past, I tried to avoid situations which would lead to triggers like browsing on Instagram or YouTube. Avoid being alone. Avoid taking devices to bed or to the bathroom.
ProtectionIn the past, I set up filters upon filters to stop myself from going back.
SubstitutionIn the past, I would recite verses of Scripture, I would listen to recordings, I would play games, watch movies, eat junk food, go to sleep and more, anything that could take the place of the urges. Anything as long as I wasnāt going back.
None of these methods worked because I didnāt confront the temptation directly. If we donāt deal with our temptations, they linger until we do deal with it, or we succumb to it. We have to accept the temptation as a normal part of life which everyone experiences. This acceptance removes
the shame and guilt and allows you to deal with the temptation at a conscious level.