Thank GOD for another day!
I went through trials today. I was violently thrown out of a highly sexually-explicit dream this morning. The dream was so vivid, so lecherous and animalistic; I can only describe it as pornographic. Moreover, it involved a female friend of mine. I woke up sweating and feeling deep shame and guilt, along with fierce arousal. Another reason why PMO is so destructive; as I struggled to find the same level of arousal from previous P videos, I sought out increasingly darker and more sadistic material. Videos that would have utterly repulsed me became the norm. Now, these consequences came back to me in my sleep.
It took me a few moments to come back to my senses and remember that this was only a dream, and I would never do such a thing to my friend in reality - GOD forbid! Iāve had dreams in the past where I logged onto those sites and relapsed, but never anything like this before. This was an entirely new beast.
My brain kept reminding me, āIn the past, after having a dream like this, relapse was never too far behind.ā But I told it, āYouāre right; in the PAST!ā There is no excuse to return to PMO. I need not feel ashamed or guilty for events beyond my control. This dream is only another manifestation of the urge to return to PMO. My body has seen that the other urges have not worked like they used to. The enemy is using new tactics now. By GODās Grace, I will not be defeated; I will stand strong and weather this storm.
I choose to be extra vigilant, as the vividness and extremity of the dream made it harder to purge from my mind. I cannot deny the truth in what my brain said to me - relapse followed such dreams in the past. The next few days might be quite the test of character.
Today, I didnāt complete the tasks I needed to or my exercises. I donāt want to make a habit of that. I spent nearly 2 hours browsing Instagram. No, I didnāt look at anything lustful, but that was 2 hours wasted - time I could have used to complete my exercises for instance. And that mindless browsing puts one in a dangerous position where you might find something you didnāt plan to see. In terms of sleep, I want to make a habit of being in bed before 11 PM to properly regulate myself. Iām waking up around 6 AM now but my body is rebelling as it hasnāt rested enough.
A reflection on my top three justifications and rationalisations for PMO in the past, from the Power over Pornography course:
1. I would hang around on āfamily-friendlyā platforms like YouTube or Instagram hoping to find material that shouldnāt be there, so I could claim I wasnāt responsible. Then I would say my streak is no longer clean - might as well, so I would search for increasingly more explicit sexual content until I finally ended up back on those P sites. This was a lie because I always had the choice to look away and continue living free and clean, regardless of what I came across. I was choosing PMO instead.
2. I would tell myself that of all the sins I could be involved in, this one wasnāt so bad. This was a lie which could be seen by the fruits of that spirit in my life. So much darkness as a result of my actions while immersed in the addiction. What is wrong, is wrong. We donāt get to pick and choose what immoral behaviour weāll engage in without also picking the results of that behaviour.
3. I used to tell myself that it was the last time, that I would spend the rest of my life clean. This allowed me to break streaks for any random and ridiculous reason. āMy streak cannot start on a Friday, it has to start on Monday.ā āNo, scratch that, Iāll restart so my streak will be 1st of April - haha April Fools. Iād be a fool to go back.ā āIām really feeling the urges today, obviously I havenāt changed, let me fully gorge myself and realize how disgusting it is so I can stop forever.ā This was a lie as if I continued to relapse in this manner, how would I ever be clean?
In the past before doing PMO, I have felt shame, regret, boredom, laziness, stress, anxiety, āhappiness anxietyā, depression, loneliness, overpowering insatiable arousal and more. After PMO, these emotions were only multiplied. PMO was not the answer, it never was.
Always thank GOD for everything.
Day 46.