Edwards' Journey

Day 12 - numb feeling, anxiety increased a little from the previous day’s but that’s ok. It’s still not as bad as if I was doing pmo. Thank God for every day even the hard ones. As long as I am on this path I am good.

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Day 14 - you know they say it gets easier, well right now it feels like a big lie. I don’t feel hopeless as I did when I was doing pmo but im starting to realise how really depressed and fucked my life is. Sitting here, I cannot turn to this escape I’m here dwelling on those emotions I always tried escaping.
One thing really messing me up is the fact that I absolutely and positively pushed everyone out of my life. My ex gf said she hated me at the end of it. I deserved it by all means but it just goes to show what a terrible person I was. No way will I stop this journey. By all means I will die trying to beat this.
I love to hurt is my problem, I sit down all by my self and listen to sad music. Feels like most of my life has been a depressing mess. I will fight to get out, but it’s hard knowing I’m not wanted anywhere. I try to make people happy, but who really cares? I guess I’ve got God.

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Week 2 & Week 3 are the hardest because its time to face your miseries… one by one. There is no joy before that. You have to face your demons.

There is storm before the calm.

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Very true. These demons will not haunt me anymore once I’m done with them :grin: thanks bro.

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Day 15 - officially marks half a month. Feel better after sleep, these rough roads will lead me to a beautiful place. Never giving up.

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Day 16 - been angry for no apparent reason and it’s taking a toll on my relationships. It could be because of more testosterone or just withdrawals but I’m just angry. Hope it gets better soon. I don’t want to feel like this and I don’t want to effect others negatively.

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Day 17 - negative emotions are multiplied by 3. I’m hurting, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Keep staying strong brother. Negative emotions are part of this journey. Your brain has been used to using PMO to manage emotions in the past, so it is rebalancing now.

These negative emotions you’re experiencing are a sign of progress. Within 4-6 weeks of starting you will already notice a better overall change in mood. This is just the storm before the calm.

GOD be with you.

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Thanks bro. I know, I will stay strong. May God bless you.

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Day 19 - gonna get a bit personal here. The relationship with my parents has almost made a complete 360. When before I felt so much shame and felt just like avoiding everyone now I feel so much more confident. Idrc what people think, it actually makes me laugh when people judge me. Not because I’m cocky but because it’s just funny to me that people get mad or judge you like it’s supposed to mean something to you. Motivation up 100%. Before nofap when I used to workout It would take me 3-5 hours to complete a workout. Now it takes me 50min-1hr. Exact same workout too. Eating healthier, completing projects around the house. I’ve built a fence and a mini deck since starting nofap. Things are just looking so much better. And all thanks are to God. No one else. Without God I wouldn’t even have the dedication I have right now. Everything we have was given. Not gonna lie urges have come pretty strong. I’ve been on the brink of deciding whether or not to relapse. I always think back to my “blessed beyond belief” post and remind myself “why ever go back to that?.” Then a strong decision comes to say “Never!.” Thank you Jesus, thank you Father, thank you community. Idk where id be without y’all.

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Day 19 cont. - almost relapsed. I saw a video thumbail on YouTube that has a picture of a nude woman. Idk what I was thinking, I wasn’t. I guess my automatic brain thought “just a peak” so I clicked on the video and was immediately surged with dopamine and the rush of seeing something. I was just about to see the nudity part and then my thinking brain caught on and I told myself no. I know I stumbled but I will not count this as a relapse. I was able to say no in the midst of being extremely tempted. I am disappointed in myself for having stumbled but I am proud of myself for having said no. Still I have this vile feeling in my heart. Never want to do this again even if I don’t relapse I don’t even want to get close.

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Very well done brother - you pulled yourself back from the edge! That is real progress!

To GOD be the glory!

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Thanks bro. Thank God I was able to reframe myself because hadn’t I let’s just say it wouldnt have been pretty. Life would’ve sucked again. Thanks again bro for being there. You’re awesome. Let’s get to that 90 and beyond. Forever is my goal!

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With GOD we can make it! Keep reminding yourself not to go backwards but continue moving forward. You’re doing well brother.

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Day 20, 1 more for 3 weeks complete! Then we’re in the 4 week mark aka 1 month! Woo! Excited to finally be at a month again. Can’t wait to breeze past my 98 day marker. 100 is a big goal of mine but for sure more than that. Forever if possible by the grace of God.

One thing I’ve learned within this journey is that “just a peak” is never a good idea. It’s like a cocaine addict saying “let me just buy some coke and watch it on the counter” if you’re addicted man you’re gonna use every excuse in the book to have it. But you won’t use the best excuse to not have it, because your life is infinitely better without it.

It’s crazy how I can actually say “I’m addicted to porn” it’s real man. I feel my body craving it like a drug but only by God’s mercy am I able to say no. Thank you Lord, please forgive me for all my sins Father. Thank you Jesus for making this possible :’( I love you.

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Day 1 - screwed up. No excuse. Im going to try @Forerunner method of affirmations. Still 20 days is not bad. I hate that I did this. That is all I can say about now. I will not binge, I will recover from this. But all I will say is it’s never worth it. What this will do though is make my relationship stronger with God. He’s my only hope now. As before I was ignoring him and only coming to him in times of hardship. Now I am rededicated to building that relationship again. I realise I need him now more then ever and he wants me to come to him. Sorry to anyone if I disappoint you. I promise this will not be a reoccurring theme. I just fell, like we all do. But I warn you. Especially brother @Forerunner do not relapse. It only leads to guilt, shame, and a feeling of hopelessness and frustration. I feel stuck for now but I realise I’ve made progress in those 20 days. I will not be how I was in the beginning of the journey. I am still recovering from the beginning (day 0). Only I fell but I will get back up starting today. Not next week. May God bless you and help you.

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I will be setting my counter back a week. I believe the number people get a little too stuck on. Addiction and relapsing are 2 different things in my opinion. Addiction has a percentage I believe, that is the amount you are addicted to something. I’ll tell you right now I’m no where near as addicted to pornography as I was. But I did relapse so the counter has to at least stop for now. I’m not making progress for a couple of days at least until my brain clears up and chemicals go back to normal. The 90 day mark should not be a get it right the first try through or you fail your recovery… in my opinion the 90 days represent a 100% recovery marker. I believe I’ve recovered some within these 20 days and 1 relapse will not set me back to 0% recovery so I think it’s fair to set back a week and a week from now I will be where I was before I fell. Now while I do believe a relapse is a serious fall back i do not believe it sets you to 0 progress. I think we can all agree to that. But I will also remember that July 24th was my last relapse so if I want to look back and see the last time I relapsed I’ll say it was on this day and count the number of days since then. This is my point of view. Thank God I also didn’t binge watch porn. It was a fast relapse and instant regret. Anyway, thank you Lord for having mercy on me.

Why do we fall? So that we can learn to lift ourselves again. Make it the last one.

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You can rise up like never before, my friend. With GOD, there is always a way out.

What led you to relapse?

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I started fantasizing. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. Anyway yes I do believe Ill be stronger this time. I’m giving it my all. God bless.

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