Edward's Journal

I’ve come to the realization that I have all the help I need in God. I don’t think we ever have to worry about this. If we just get on our knees and pray whenever we’re tempted God will never fail to give us help. How can I relapse if I have all the help I need? Only by choice. But I never want to choose this. I never am going to want to. God bless.

4 Likes

Day 1 - One thing that frightens me is how much time i’ve lost due to this. I could’ve been doing so much more. You always hear people say “I wish I could go back” well good thing I’m only 21 but still. I feel for them. I’ve been struggling with this addiction for 3 years now. Pmo ruined my last relationship. I had no love in me, it was all lust. I deserved to be alone and thats what i got bit thats okay.

Proverbs 3:11-18

11 My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction:

12 For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

I have grown wiser but I still seem to fall. So what is it? Is there a key? I’ve posted all this helpful advise but me myself not put use to it. Hypocrite, but a man cannot change until he knows what to. I will change my perseverance on fighting the temptation. As before i left it all to my own will, i will leave it to God. On my 98 day streak i do no believe i could’ve gotten there without Him. This Journal is more then just a pmo progress tracker. It’s my struggle

4 Likes

Maybe sometimes you have to accept “I do not have the willpower.” If you think about it all the people in the new testament that were slaves to some sort of sin were only ever saved when Jesus freed them. Maybe some of us do not have the willpower to break certain addictions without the help of God. Especially if you are highly addicted or atleast in the beginning stages of recovery. We all know willpower grows the more you stay off, but you have to remember:

Jeremiah 17:9

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

3 Likes

I am writing this down for me to remember:

You keep telling yourself “If i relapse it’s fine because in 1-2 weeks I will feel better and this will be the last time.” Which is just a stupid thing to say. You know that it’s a cycle, you will never beat the cycle by “doing it one more time.” That’ll just recycle it over & over again. You might aswell put yourself in a dark room and crawl in a corner for the rest of your life. You are literally fighting for your life. Both this one and the next one. Think.

3 Likes

Day 4 - It’s crazy to me that in these 3 years of struggling I never realized that this was a real addiction. I always thought of it as something I just can’t kick. The scary part is the effects it has on a person. I will not go into too much detail, but i’ve never really had aspirations all my teen years. I grew up addicted to porn and video games. Losing friends has been one of the harder effects of pmo. Never forming strong relationships because of it and the strong bonds I did have were all broken. Grew up with strong social anxiety because of it. I gained a lot of weight because of my lack of motivation to do anything. Lost an important love relationship because of my addiction. Never showed enough love and care to my animals/and or friends before they passed because it literally changes you. You might say “those attributes aren’t caused by pmo.” and maybe you’re right. I do feel like I was a horrible person in the past, I cared about no one; but all I know is that on longer pmo streaks my personality literally makes a 180°. I become a more loving and caring person. I actually care to listen to people. I become more motivated, all the negative things I listed disappear. I do not think i’m just some horrible person. I think I just made a mistakes with what I was doing & using as a coping mechanism.

3 Likes

A major consequence of engaging in PMO is a decreased capacity to love. Viewing pornography is repugnant in the sight of our Creator, who is the Source of all Love, and we lose His Light as long as we are engaged in that behavior and experience less love in our lives as a result.

You are not alone in this brother. I have experienced what you are saying as well. So many relationships broken as a result of being more interested in pixels on a screen and gaming. Increased self-hatred, depression and low self-confidence.

But there is always hope. GOD’s Light never goes out. Once we leave PMO behind, we begin to heal and our ability to love and be loved is restored.

4 Likes

Day 5 going into day 6 - Days almost done. Been as productive as possible these past couple days. Things are looking up, but still had strong urges yesterday. The thing that broke me out of it was remembering how this is a true addiction and it is killing my body. The bible confirms this. I will no longer indulge in this evil. I will come out victorious as Jesus wants me to be! Thank you Lord for this wisdom and all the good you have given me. I can never repay, but I can forever worship.

4 Likes

Day 7 - Feeling good. No urges today but i’m always vigilant. Another important thing ive realised is that this journey while it is long is best viewed day by day week by week. Just like working out, I think if people that train looked that the big picture of itll take years to get to your goal they’d probably quit. Yet when you take each workout as day by day week by week your progress and your motivation flourishes. It really is a day by day battle but I am improving everyday and so are you.

3 Likes

End of day 7 - Really strong urge hit me, what broke it completely was asking myself “Do you want to go back to who you were?” Meaning when i was completely addicted. Broke it right away. Thank God.

5 Likes

I swear I do not remember relapsing the last time I did. But no matter. I’m free and feeling better then ever today. So hopeful. Day 9.

1 Corinthians 9:27 But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

3 Likes

The past couple of days have been hard man. All I have is the Lord to keep me upright.

4 Likes

Day 10 - Wet dream, a little more anxiety than usual. Crazy how in my dreams I’m showing self control. God is good.

4 Likes

Also just realised im already half what my 20 day streak was. Happy! :slight_smile:

2 Likes

Day 11 - Another wet dream for some reason… I’ve been pretty diligent during the day with little to no sexual thoughts, but for some reason i’ve had 2 wet dreams in a row. Odd, but oh well. Depression is kinda bad right now its been like that for a while but it definatley beats the feelings that arise from masturbating. Still going strong thank God.

2 Likes

My brother, let me tell you, I was diagnosed with clinical depression last year. I’ve suffered with dark, negative thoughts for years in the past. When you come over to this side as your streak increases, all of it fades away. I’ve a new joy and appreciation for my life that I never could have imagined before. I want to see you here too brother.

Praying for your success brother. Stay strong.

3 Likes

I have hope for that brother. It’s kinda bipolar atm like some moments are fine some are happy some are sad and some are numb. Thank you for your prayers brother. I will pray for you too that you will never be caught up in this addiction again. God bless.

3 Likes

Day 12 - starting to enjoy relationships again. Loving, laughing, still worrying but this makes me me. Depression lifted a good amount. Thank God for everything, I must remind myself to really take the time to thank him. Instead of just saying it in my head. He brought me here and without him I’d be pure evil and death. This is the Truth if you believe God is good and all good comes from him.

3 Likes

Day 13 - feeling good. Depression lifting. Anxiety leaving. Only time I’ve really gotten urges is in my dreams and when I’m barley waking up. I was having an urge last night but I woke up in the middle of it and said no. Slept like a baby lol. Thank God. I cannot stress that enough. Thank you LORD. I no longer lust after ungodly things for I have seen the damage and evil it does. I only want good and love and whatever else God is. This body will not triumph over me!

3 Likes

Day 14 - feeling really good. So naturally happy it’s insane. Haven’t felt like this in I can’t remember how long. Thank you brother @Forerunner for your prayers, they’re working. So this is the end of the 2nd week. Here I come #3. Relapsing doesn’t even cross my mind anymore tbh. That isn’t even an option, which is weird but I love it. Even when I get aroused pornography rarely pops to mind. It’s usually just me being busy fighting my body and bringing it under subjection. A verse that has helped me a lot is a verse in 1 Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 9:27
But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway.

I was going to do a seperate (benefits so far) post but I thought what the heck.

Benefits so far - One of the main ones I wanted to point out first was my ambitions have totally changed. This is a bit vulnerable and embarrassing to admit but idc. Before this Journey I had no ambitions at all in life; like 0, no motivation, nothing. My only ‘ambition’ I guess was to be a competitve fighting game player (yes I know how immature that is) and I did pretty good in that. I was ranked 15 in the whole world, but starting the 2nd week I stopped playing video games in general not really by choice per se. I just didn’t want to… simply put. My motivations changed from being a competitive video gamer to wanting a family, a girlfriend, children, wanting better things out of life. Wanting to get my weight training on point again. I have this natural drive to go get women now that I’ve never had before. It’s a healthy one, not really looking for sex just connection. Other benefits are a natural happines, depression lifting, anxiety disappearing, love growing, caring for things again, natural energy/motivation. I can’t stress enough how absolutely vital this is to having a good life. Do it, get through the urges it is a small price to pay for loving life again.

3 Likes

Day 15 - been productive but a deep feeling of loneliness following me. Also got a bit of heartbreak. Overall an okay day, I’m trying to fight my way out. Thank you Lord for another day.

3 Likes