Like everyone, I have been tried to quit PMO for years, i am addicted to this poison since 2011, that’s why i start this journey.
My reasons to quit PMO:
• It always ends with shame.
• It takes a lot of energy, which i can use for importent tasks and goals.
• It’s fake and not real.
• It harms the brain.
• It makes me angry and life looks pointless every time i give up to it - It’s just not worth it.
I need to face my real life problems and find my destiny - PMO stands on my way. So no more filthy PMO.
I took a large new notebook and wrote down some tasks which i must to fulfil - i give myself for a start 3 years to improve myself and to get rid of this bad PMO habit. Taking a notebook and writing down tasks is not a new step for me, i have plenty of notebooks - but fulfilling the tasks is not always easy.
My goal is to work hard & to stay clean as long as possible, who knows? Maybe i will reach 1000 days, but actions speak louder.
For now (7/9/2020) i am clean for 10 days and starting my journey with day 10.
If i got this far - I remembered my reasons, therefore i reached this far, but this is only the beginning - until day 250 i am a “Student”. Nothing is for sure and there is still a lot of job to do.
If i got this far - i am not a slave neither a free man, there is still a job which need to be done - until day 500 i am still a “Hunter”. In this period of time i need to be very productive (to read a lot of books, stay in a good shape, strenghten my mind and body - to “hunt” my time).
If i got this far, i did a great work, i can’t go back. Now i know myself far better than i knew in the beginning - until day 750 i am still a “Warrior”.
Even though i didn’t relapsed today at all, so much inside me is still rotten to the core. I was very angry and rude towerd my family relatives, i was so angry that i have destroyed my physical Diary/task notebook with fury and rage. I am not a good person but i can be, the notebook is lost but i am still clean thank God! Most of what i have written inside that notebook were bits of my day and daily experiances, even some fragments of thoughts, BUT also some of my goals…
I have carried this notebook since 28.8.2020 and now it’s GONE! i looked at that notebook and couldn’t read half of what is written there, so i can’t recover/create a complate same copy in a way like anything “didn’t happened at all.”
I have 2 other notebooks which contain all the goals which i need to achaieve. I also have some notes on my phone so i didn’t lost the information war to myself. I took another notebook, smaller than the previous one - i will recover most of it within couple of hours by writing it all over again.
I need to stay calm and think more clearly, i will try to control my emotions - anger can lead to a relapse.
This has been happening to me too recently. Anger, frustration, lack of interest, all caused by this disgusting addiction. Let’s focus this anger onto where it’s deserved to be, this addiction. And let us focus our love on other things. Keep going man, you’ve got this.
Depression levels are really high, it kills every single time i give up to it and this is my third relapse in a gap of just two days. When i relapse i can’t do anything or feel anything or think about anything - just to take a long sleep only to awake later and find out the ugly truth. I really can’t find something more stronger than this addiction to be honest - the affect of a relapse is stronger than any negetive experiance i have ever faced in my life.
I blame no one but myself for allowing this filthy monster to take over my life. Life looks pointless for now, this is my last post in this diary and those forums for a very long time. I need to shut up my mouth and to work like i’ve never worked before. I give my thanks to all who read this journey. I will win.
~ Dynamo5j
