As I in a few minute will finish up my 6th day, I have to tell, that I did not managed to have such a streak in the past years. It was rare that I got 2 or 3 days without fapping.
I had the rewire app on my phone for quite some time, but this is the first time I actually use it for real. I try to make the most of it, that is why I also decided to write my steps in this diary.
I was looking for companions at the start and I’m really glad and surprised that more than 10 people were willing to join me! Thanks guys!
I’m open to anyone who also wants to join.(my code: 9a70e4)
About my steps so far:
1st and 2nd day: went quite well, was motivated due to the app, the fellows who joined and because of the dedication I had at the beginning.
3rd and 4th day: I was tired due to work 's there is a big project going on and I have a lot to do, so had to wake up realy early and go to my workplace. I also realized that I’m already in a flatline. Against these things, mentally I felt ok. I was aware of flatline so it didn’t surprised me.
5th day: I planned to have some days off from work next week, but my plan got ruined by the same project, because some delay caused by others. I usually became really frustrated and angry about such things but this time I handled it quite well. I didn’t even noticed this untill a workmate told me he expected me to be more angry and rant about it. At first I thought this is a cool thing that I could remain calm, but thinking a bit about it more I’m not sure. Maybe I got more numb emotionally as well due to the flatline. Still not sure about this.
6th day: I got rest, I travelled to my parents to visit them on the weekend. Try to maintain a better relation with them. I’m glad to still have them both(they are 70 and 65 year old). I’m lucky with them. They were always supportive. This just enlargens the shame I carried so far, but I won’t do so anymore.
This is it so far. I will keep going and adjust to this wisdom: If you want to be king, rule yourself.
I will be king and I will only bow to the King of kings.
As I in a few minute will finish up my 6th day, I have to tell, that I did not managed to have such a streak in the past years. It was rare that I got 2 or 3 days without fapping.
Good Decision Brother Every One Is Here To Support You To Kill The Demon Porn.All The Best Brother
Can I also make a nofap timeline? And post everyday experience? Plz anybody tell me.
7th day: Went quite well until I got a little headache. I was thinking if this is a withdrawal effect from the missing dopamine from my brain, but I didn’t come to a conclusion. Anything else was good. I’m really glad for my family.
8th day: Started well, but ended in a lost battle. I got to learn a lot from it. I was careless I still had 9gag on my phone. Time to time I used to check on it. At some point I wanted to delete, but didn’t and I can’t regret it more now. I checked on the app and one of the post was basically made from a P scene. It felt wierd to see it but I couldn’t undo it. I deleted the app and tried to hush away the thoughts. Managed it for a few hours, but kept comming back. I traveled back to my place from my parents and then it kicked in even harder. I was alone, I had my pc. I felt like crying and angry at the same time. I tried to reach out to a few friends to talk to someone but noone answere at the moment. Then I gave in to the urge. I had this pain in my chest, the temptation, the urge it was like a physical force pushing back into the pit. So my 8th day ended up being my day 0.
Day 0: So I relapsed, but somehow it was different. I didn’t reached a whole week for years and now it was clear to me what was the mistake I made. I now know what should I learn from this. I know that this battle is a lost one and the price I had to pay for it is the 7 day I gathered as a treasure, but this was just a battle. The war is still going on until my last breath. I feel like I can stand up stronger than ever and make my next step again, because even though I lost today, I will continue till victory, because I can change, I can keep going until my knees won’t bend for any temptation.
I fell into a loop trap and failed many times. I had a hard time in work and in personal life. The past 10 or so days was an emotional turmoil for me.
I am tired mentally and emotionally. We are at the finish of a huge project in work which cost me my last bit of energy. I got tense and easily irritable so I got into fights with friends and colleagues. So I just got deeper and deeper into this lonely and self demolishing pit. I was not able to write anything here. I felt it would be such a shame to appear at all, but I lurked around in the forum. At some point I was even fighting the thought not to admit the relapse and just leave the counter as it is. Thank God I decided not to lie at the end. But that was another down, for even thinking about it.
I decided to take a rest from work after the project ends on the 20th of July. I had to admit I am not that strong and all this together was too much for me this time.
But I am here! It took time to face myself again, but I am still here and I try my best to stay on the path I have chosen.
I think it’s clear that daily diary is not my thing. So I won’t try to push it anyway, just write when I feel like wanna summarize my past days.
So I had a few fails again. After a weekend with my bigger family that went good, there is always a huge risk when I travel back to my own place to be alone again. I always feel tempted at that time. Empty flat, my computer ready to make me sin, and yes I failed that time again. However since the next day, I started my best streak ever. I am past 10 days.
I will tell shortly how these 10 days go.
I was really sensitive in the first few days. Had a bad, angry mood. Avoided conversations as much as possible. Had little fights with people around.
I had no libido from the very first day. So basically in a flatline. This is basically the first 5 days. After the fifth day, it was like as if a fog was slowly lifting up from my mind and my mood started to change in a smooth way. Day by day became better. Now I feel like there is a calm joy inside which I can not explain at all, but really enjoying it. This doesn’t mean that the second half of the 10 day was easy or perfect. I had headache for a whole day from the afternoon of the 8th day till the afternoon of 9th day… Tried to deal with it without medicine but nothing seemed to work, so after a day I took one pill and the headache is gone now. I feel good now, even though my libido did not came back at all.
I did my daily exercises. It already became a habit and I’m missing it if I skip a day for any reason. I started cardio training sooner than NoFap now.
I also felt like changing something else so I decided to change my parfume. It was interesting to learn things about smell and fragrances to find a style that fits my character better. I ordered and received some samples and a new parfume today and I feel like I did a good job and selected something nice.
This feels somehow extra productive for the past few days. I’m gonna challenge myself with things like this even more.
Hmmm… maybe I need a new watch.
I want to share how glad I am because all these great things.
14 days streak now. 2 whole week. I feel so good. This boost me so hard I feel like I can do anything. This is indeed just 2 weeks, but I did not had 2 weeks without pmo for years. We are all capable to change!
The weekend was really nice. There was a small birthday party for my best friend. I don’t know what made us, but we acted like kids, yet we are in our 30s. It brushed me up so well. Felt so young again. We all enjoyed it. Fist time for years, there was nothing inside me to ruin the feelings. I was able to be there all body and mind, my thoughts were not diverted.
Also fixed my bicycle. I’m gonna definatelly use it more than before. I had a nice chat with the guy in the shop who helped me to select new tires and such. I also had a talk with a lady who I never met before and she actually thanked to have a nice conversation. People seems to enjoy talking with me more now.
On saturday I reached a little step with my weight loss. I crossed the 5kg(11pounds) line. This is something I’m doing carefully. Don’t want to rush it to fell into the yo-yo effect. This 5kg is the result of 7 week disciplined calorie counting, using my elliptical trainer and a little weight lifting on a daily basis(6day out of 7).
All these things came to me because I finally stood up for the fight. I beleive everyone can do it! It was hard to beleive that this is actually possible. I always thought, that I won’t be able to reach this at all. Now I feel like since I was able to do the first steps and got some results, my faith has grown stronger and now I beleive that I will be able to do the following steps as well. It is clear that this fight is not going to be this easy for long, and as you see I also had bad days before. But ever since I dedicated myself to keep fighting whatever happens, I experience change in my life.
Basically, if you turn to life, life will turn to you. If you make one step to God, He will come closer to you with 2 steps. Fight brothers, for your own good! Fight the good fight!
Great stuff Duran! Be brave, and keep standing firm when you are tempted. You can do this!
At this point I am a bit surprised that I was able to keep it going for this far, it seems that eventually if you don’t give up, you grow stronger with every try and there is a point when you are just strong enough to not fail. This doesn’t mean, that I am strong enough for the 90 day, but I am stronger than ever before. So here I am with 18 day streak.
4 days passed since my last post in this diary. The day after the post was quite good still. The calm and solid joy remained for that day. It was good. There was no immediate change in my mood, but I turned a bit back to my previous self. Bit more grumpy and less joyful. Also in the past 3 days I started to feel really tired and on wednesday afternoon I started to feel the urge. Out of nowhere a name of a p°actress clicked in from my memory and images of my memory tried to take me back to my pc to turn them into a failure. This urge was not extreme or strong. It was rather sneaky. It doesn’t felt like “I NEED TO” or “DO IT NOW”, it doesn’t felt like a need or a must. It felt like I’m on a slippery road, but I don’t have to be afraid, just go full throttle, because it will be fun. There was a point where I started to count that I have this many days, which is not much, I can restart any time, because I can do it now. This was when I realised, how sneaky my brain can be to make me relapse. But I did not!
After I realized this I made mayself busy for all afternoons since. I made my brain deal with things, rather let it made me deal with p°. I had a slight headache after this, but I didn’t needed medicine for it. It was manageable. Today I am just tired. I sleep as usual, which is not much, but used to enough for me(6-7hours), so I guess this whole challenge has this effect too. Or I might over exercised. Anyway, I plan to relax and rest at the weekend. I have 2 books to read. I try to be prepared to not give in by being bored.
To be honest, it might sound good that I achieved 18 day. It is actually huge for me, who barely had any day without fapping in the past decade, but right now I don’t feel this as a success. This is hard. It is hard when you face reality especially when it is about your own self. I have so many doubt about the future. I try to make my best to accept this as part of the change and than do my best t change everything that is possible and accept to live with those that can not be changed.
Finally write again into this diary. My streak is still growing. Still with every minute, every second I make a new peak on my streak. This is awesome, but life is not just this simple.
In the past 8 days, I was really demotivated at some point. I consider this as part of the rewire, since many times I read it in posts about nofap, what kind of effects the dopamine withdrawal has got on the body. Some days it was hard to find anything good in life, but I also didn’t found much bad in it. It was just pure emptiness and 0 emotion. Not good at all.
I was aware that since I was accustomed to pmo for more than a decade, 90 days will be just the beginning to me for the full recovery. I think I will need many more days. From the very beginning, my libido was zero. It didn’t really changed so far. Only once there was a little sign of life. I’m worried about this. I really want to be a man on this matter too.
In an emotional way I can say that this journey is full of change and learning. Even though right now I’m quite dull, blunt emotionally, I take it as just another step on the path. I have to learn all kind of emotion states to be able to value the good ones.
This is it for now. In my current state it’s a bit harder to get my thought all together. But hopefully when I write next time, I will be able to share how I came out from this state.
That’s it. After many small steps, I reached a bigger one. I have achieved 30 days in my streak. This is the main reason I wrote now. I’m glad for it and wanted to share it with whoever reads it. It is possible for even those, who had more than a decade filled with pmo(like me). It is possible! I did it, you can do it.
The weekend went quite good. We celebrated my father on Sunday who turned 70 yeats old. It was good. Went better than usually. Bigger family gathering likes this used to have small conflicts, but now there was none. I travelled back to my place after it. Slight temptation occured as I arrived to my flat, but it was not as strong as before. I always a bit afraid to arrive home, being alone after a weekend out. But it is getting better since this was the 4th weekend I win over consequently.
Unfortunatelly on Monday, my brother was drunk at night and started speaking nonsense to us in messenger and viber. He is an alcoholic. We all know and tried to help him many times. He has better periods when he is quite good for months, and than has some not so good periods. He has a wife and 2 beautiful kid. Alcohol is different than PMO, so I can’t really understand him. This time his attitude was different somehow. Maybe subconsciously he noticed that I changed a bit. My family is not aware of my pmo problem. We are not that kind of family that discuss everthing. But maybe I was different somehow and he sensed it and become annoyed and jealous, becuase he mostly attacked me with his word, saying things like I shouldn’t feel superior and such. The whole weekend went without any problem while I was at my parents place. I definatelly didn’t acted superior. I’m quite silent usually when family is around. But of course due to NoFap, my confidence has grown and also, since I lost weight which is starting to be visible, maybe he felt inferior. Maybe he has inferiority complex because in our family he is the only who always compares each other and always tries to prove that he is the best(he is the firstborn and my parents have 4 children, I am the 3rd). So this was hard for me emotionally and I had a really bad sleep at Monday night. I didn’t reacted to him after a few chat. It is meaningless when he is drunk. We didn’t talked since. He probably don’t even remember these things. So Tueasday was better, but I’m tired due to the lack of sleep it caused me.
Today I am better. I noticed yesterday, that a bit of anger is in me, something similar that was in me before nofap. But the level is not as much as before. I can handle it. I also feel a bit more stability. Anger is also a part of life just like joy and all kind of emotions. So basically these few days taught me, that I can change to be better, I can be victorious in things, but I should never forget that life is life, and it will always has it’s good and bad sides as well. This can also be my conclusion after my first 30days on NoFap.
I also had a few physical change I noticed. I had a few really slight headache that was just noticable and for a few nights when I went to sleep, my body felt heated(I didn’t had fever, checked it) and I became quite sweaty. Also I had a few leakages, somethims during day, sometimes late night before sleep, but I didn’t had wet dreams.
After all I wrote now it is funny to say, that my emotions are still numb. I can say that something changed, but overall expect the anger and sadness that my brother caused, my emotions are still quite flat. I know how I should feel at times and can act accordingly, but I don’t feel that I have real emotions in it. So I’m not able to give the answer to that. What I feel is that this is a slow process and I have to endure a lot more, to change more. That’s all.
Great work, keep on pushing Duran.
Sounds like me - underneath pmo there are other areas of your life that need to heal. Now that you are not distracting and blunting your awareness with pmo, you are becoming more aware.
I recommend taking the time to do the deep work.
It’s one thing to white knuckle your way through 100 days, quite another to conquer your fears, emotions, deep wounds, and be a more authentic man.
@Gearshift thanks man! Thank you for the advice! It is also good to see as you keep going and growing with your streak. At the end I was able to follow as well. You are probably right. I should spend time with meditation and reflecting on my old wounds. I probably should face them again for closure and face the newer wounds as well.
Recently I noticed, that I have anger in me towards all women. I’m not sure why. Maybe I didn’t handled the rejections well, or some bad experience remained from my old long-term relationship. I’m not sure, but I want to come to terms with this and remove it from my life.
In the past days, since my last post no extravagant things happened. My mood, emotional state is slightly better but still close to numb, or it is more precise to say that it’s like I am observer who can control, but can’t feel everything that happens to him. My libido is still dead. At this point I am considering to accept that in this matter hope is gone and after so many years of damaging myself, the consequence is that I won’t be able to have proper sex again. This of course highly demotivating me, but even if it is true, I decided to get rid of fapping for ever.
Btw after the depressive words, actually my streak is 41 days at the moment, which is awesome. Hard to beleive I am here at this point. It gives me a firm standing and strenght to consider all decisions with a clearer mind. This helps me a lot to say no to urges. I had a few urges in the past days. Not so strong ones. One was actually hard. One time a p.actress’s name who I watched frequently popper into my mind and tried to devour me. These kind of temptations are hard ones for me. This happened a few times during my current streak.
In the last 4-5 days, I had minor headaches. I had to take medicine only once. Exercise and drinking a lot of water helped in the other days.
There is a hobby I’m quite fond of. I am writing a book, which is halfway through, but I had not much time for it before. Now I managed to spend time with it. This is an improwement I made. And I also improved my exercise routine. So far I used an elliptical trainer and did some weightlifting. The past week, I starded doing HIIT exercises on every 3rd day.
That’s all folks!
Keep going guys! Change can hurt, but it brings peace! Stand strong, fight hard!