Dori's long journey


#21

day 37

well, there are so many things going on right now. I still feel down with a lot of things. I still lack self esteem.
triggers are less this days but being upset or feeling down makes me think to go back and watch it again. fortunately I automatically told myself this will make things worse and go walk around the house, I just make sure I’m not alone and pity myself more. so far it works.

hope things will get better.
let us keep fighting.


#22

day 41

I’ve attended a short workshop yesterday it’s about being how to achieve your dreams. They said dream with deadlines are goals and dream without deadlines are just dream.
action is always the key and failure will be always be part of the process. failure is part of success we should embrace, we should be prepare for it.
we’ve also discuss the 3c’s necessary to achieve this:

  1. clarity -we should be clear with our goals
  2. courage - fear is one of our hindrance we should learn to face it
  3. commitment - we are encouraged to find an accountability partner who can support us in our ups and downs.who are there to remind us and push us to achieve our goals.

It’s a nice workshop I’ve learn a lot. I’m reluctant to go but my sibling insisted I go. I glad I did. I still don’t like crowds I still avoid people (it really drains my energy but I did try to socialize). It’s a small community and they do support each other and it’s nice to be part of it. one of the things that I like about the workshop is that it tells you to find or know your purpose, use and enhance the talent you have and share it to uplift others. the speaker said sometimes when reality strike and we tend to forget our purpose we tend to forget our dreams we tend to forget to help others.

things will never be easy we will always fall, we will always fail. But the question is not how many times we fall but how many times we will stand up.

I’m really glad I did attend the workshop, I’m still have a hard time getting back to my life and I feel like I’m running in circles and going nowhere. this will help me equip to find the right direction.
And one thing I really like about it it tackles that when we are overwhelm to achieve our goals we should just make break it down to small achievable goals. small achievable goal is also a key to achieve the main goal.

I encourage you if you have some free time attend workshop that suit your needs. online is nice but going and actually meeting people are so nice. They say that positivity is contagious I really don’t believe that but when I met this community I did.
(but I still feel exhausted after meeting people)

I’m just going start, I’m positive right now but I know there is a rocky road ahead. I really hope I’ll be strong enough to be steady in my goals.

I really hope everyone would always remember their goals and why they are doing it. and if tough times come I hope we will hold on to that goals we have until we reach it.

always keep fighting.


#23

day 45

One thing for sure motivation doesn’t stick with me for too long. it only lasted a day I guess. Aha ha

So I decided to stick with mind setting or discipline to reach and make goals. motivation and inspiration is just a bonus I guess.
I’m really an emotional person so I guess routine stuff will help me move forward.

I want to say last month, should I say I hate it? I did a lot of bad decisions. as I reflect today I can see my bad habits are really hindering and causes a lot of trouble for me. They maybe small things but when I accumulated they are like big snowball you can’t control anymore. One of those are procrastinating, I really procrastinate small stuff and will always reason out. I hope I’ll overcome this thing in fastest way. I should really try to push myself out of my comfort zone.
But it’s bias to say that last month is just all bad, that month also I found a community that help me realize to reach my goals. life will always give you the good and bad stuff so I should just know how to handle those. And I should find ways to better equipped myself when those moments arrive.

It’s been 45 days. there are very down moments But urges are less. looking and watching those inappropriate stuff is not appealing for the moment.
I do stumble accidentally on images on the net and I’m glad to say that I still have the automatic reflex to close it. But right now I’m somewhat afraid that I would go back - I guess I’m also slacking off to feel this way. perhaps this a wake up call.

let us always keep fighting!


#24

day 48

I feel urges today, I wonder if stress and negativity triggered it or its normal to feel this once in awhile. Anyway, the main concern is not to act on it. I did an entry today so I can reflect and remind myself. I’m on 48 days now, would throw that away?
the answer is no.
it’s really nice to see your streak and badges to remind yourself on times like this. Some people would say that’s for brags but let us utilize it. We can use that for an emergency like.

I still feel the urges right now but I don’t want to exchange that 48 days over seconds of pleasure.

I’ll do something to distract myself.
Let’s hope it will pass quickly


#25

@dori did the urges pass? What did you do to get rid of them? Or did they disappear on their own?

Sometimes I’m miserable the whole day trying to fight off urges.


#26

It did yesterday, today is worse. I really almost relapse. My brain is flashing back videos and images. Somehow when I remember the streak it makes me fight more,but the urges is so strong. I literally convincing myself not to do it. I feel giving up convincing myself So I just close my eyes and before I know it I feel asleep. I feel refresh waking up. I’m glad I didn’t do it.

Most of the days it will pass quickly,but there where days like this. Sometimes sleep do help. I haven’t try exercise yet, I’m really lazy in exercise maybe that would help you? I easily get tired so some chores sometimes do help me. But yeah I do have those miserable days fighting it. And when you are so stressed it is so much hard to fight. You will need all the power to convince yourself. How do you manage yours?


#27

How do I manage my urges? Many times I do nothing to directly address them. I hope to let them pass but at some point I realize they won’t go away or reduce in intensity. I’ve just started exercising this past week and I know that causes my body to be overwhelmed with the need for oxygen. Staying busy doesn’t help me at all with coping with the urges. That’s why I think people who say staying busy helps them doesn’t have strong urges like I do.

Ive tried reading, cleaning, working, napping, walking, and even meditating. They don’t help make the urges disappear.

Also, I don’t fantasize much but the urges come anyways so I know my mind doesn’t cause triggers. I noticed you have flashbacks, which I think happens to everyone that has watched stuff that may have been graphic. I think my urges are biological. They are going to come no matter what.


#28

i think the urges arise because we don’t wanna handle a certain situation. i personally don’t have a problem with boredom. so, staying buzy doesn’t help me either. my problem is that i can’t handle stress. so, in my case i have to try to give myself more time to be for myself.

everyone has to figure out the situation that make his body panic and from there work on it


#29

I would agree it could be biological, some people have more hormones than normal people ( I don’t know the right term but I think you know what I mean…hopefully :slight_smile:). I think it’s very different for each person, so it’s really nice to hear how do others cope up with it. For the moment being busy do keep the urges away for me. But I wonder in the long run. Lately I notice When I’m studying online vids lesson it would just suddenly trigger (they are wholesome videos) I stop pmo for 1 yr or 2 but I did still come back so I need to figure out how not to. I also wonder if the usage of watching do affect the triggers.


#30

I totally agree with you. Haven’t thought of that. My brain is looking for an escape route that it knows best. Or something to make you feel will the energy.

Thanks a lot for the insights


#31

I know that really well. I know in my case it behaves a bit like that:
If I don’t have much to do, and I watch youtube to enjoy my free time, then I never get triggered.
The problem arises if I have too much to do and instead of just doing the things I flee from my responsibilities to youtube or TV. These are moments where I get heavily triggered.

I guess it could also work the other way around. If you watch youtube, so that you don’t have to cope with boredom then it could be a trigger as well


#32

I can relate to both of those points @neveragaintw @dori
I can get triggered by watching some wholesome things online, probably because I get comfortable and from the nature of using devices I once used for the vice.

I also can get triggered by having the need to do something, but can fall into procrastinating, because I just want that comfort I’m so used to.

I’m feeling triggered at the moment after having a heated chat with my elderly friend and his ideas or assumptions about me, and how I can delight in religious life - so many people rely way too heavily on logic and reason.

A way I’ve coped with urges in recent times, is to just sit back, realising nothing is actually happening to me, just a bunch of thoughts and ideas, which always give rise to my emotions.

My biggest problem is engaging in the situation and thinking I can control situations by arguments, or feeling the need to prove or correct the wrongs.
I don’t feel one for giving advise, but I would suggest, behind every thought another thought is stirring, so questioning ourselves with deeper “whys?” may be fruitful


#33

day 54

i forgot to post my entry yesterday since I fell asleep while typing it which is good since I feel much better when I woke up. (but not good since I forgot I did not do the skincare routine :frowning_face: ). I still feel negative today but not like yesterday. I’m fighting not just to lay around and cry. Sometimes my negativity cause me to be so paralyze and not function at all. but I’ll try my best today, I did get out and bought some vegetables and fruit so that’s a start.

day 53
I feel awful today. I did sketches. I realize i haven’t even improved that much. I could have been better with all those years gone by. Right now my brain keep telling possibilities I should have become. I feel so down but I will fight it and hopefully I’ll figure things out.


#34

Stop thinking about past, when there’s so bright future in front of you. In according to nofap benefits, after some time your sketches will be much better than if you hadn’t pmo. You just need to stay strong and resistable to porn. Every great victory makes great person.


#35

@Hubinho thanks a lot :slight_smile: I’ve alwaYs been a negative person since I’m a child so it’s like a part of me. I’m amaze at those positive and courgeous people who always step forward. I know at some point they also feel doubts and negative thoughts so I should not excuse myself so you are right I should look forward and I’m really trying my best not to think about it and keep moving. :slight_smile:


#36

day 55

( I feel much better after writing this entry)

I’ve earn a badge today. I should give myself a pat and hopefully my negativity will lessen today.

I’ve been consistently doing entry for the last 3 days because of my negativity. I still feel those bad energy but much less and it would just resurface in random time which is better than being miserable The whole day.The other day is not vey productive but I still manage to do some little chores. my automatic response when I feel so negative is to lay in my bed feel miserable sometimes I would cry if it’s that bad and tried to sleep. But it also cause triggers. my brain would say just watch you’ll feel much better. But we all know you’ll feel worse after. so I really avoid those bad response of mine when I feel negative. somewhat I think I improve a little in that aspect.

I’m really thankful for those kind words of those people here. your words and concern are one of the reason why I have reached this streak. those who share their struggle and success give me a lot of hope and when negativity comes like those past days I read those entry and somehow it encourage me. those people are still standing up no matter how many times they fall.

life can be so hard, we never know what’s one is struggling with. a kind word or action do help a lot and it will not cost a thing. let us try to be much kinder.

It’s still a long battle. let us always be vigilant. and if we fall let us use all the strength we have to stand up.let us always keep fighting.


#37

Glad you wrote this entry. Negativity can slow someone down. But bouncing back is a learning process, learning about yourself.

I’m so glad you shared about negativity. For me negativity makes me hesitant to do things. Sometimes I can’t remember the positive outcome when that is possible.

If you can find one thing that helps you fight negativity I’m sure you will spend less time in bed. (music seems to lift my spirit when I am sad or depressed, so does doing dishes :joy: ).

Reading your diary helps me feel a little better because you are sharing your success in the midst of your struggle. I am glad you are winning against negativity and in nofap.


#38

day 57

I’m sad today, I didn’t do what I should do and the urges are strong.I entertain the thoughts of porn and almost relapse. I wanted to reset my counter but I’m afraid I can’t get up after that for the moment. the thoughts of you should just do it since you just reset your counter is occurring in my mind.
I’m very weak right now maybe because of my negativity and life circumstances and one of the things that keeps me going is my streak and encouraging words of my friends here.hopefully I’ll pass this stage this week and be more specific and strict in my rules and will reset too when the excuse of reset is not bugging me anymore.But right now not watching porn and no masturbation is the rules,because right now I really want to click that browser search those things.

urges are almost occurring every other day, this week will be really a tough one.

I will reflect and re-evaluate and hopefully I will figure out something for this challenges.


#39

I will.try to find what that would be, thanks for pointing that out. Washing dishes
Do work for me, sometimes :laughing:

I’m glad it help you a little, I also feel that when I’m reading others entry too. But right now I’m on the edge I might fall soon. Do you have diary? I would like to read it if you are posting.I’m sure you’ll also help other people.


#40

Dori I don’t have a diary yet. I have a journal I write in daily and I put stuff there that happens to me everyday. I thought eventually I’ll start a diary but wasn’t sure when to start. Do you think I should start it?