I think for me the problem is not porn, but masturbating as is, and am not looking to give it up for good because I know thats not gonna happen, like you can’t seriously set your goal to never masturbate because more than likely you will fail at some point and you will fee bad, so why set impossible goals, I think for most people we want to control it, to be able to say 'okay, am not masturbating on 2 weeks and actually do it commiteddly and you reward yourself and than you say okay am not doing it in 3 weeks… Make a pattern for your body and mind to follow, we are made to follow patterns.than again everyone is different and we have different goals.
2 Likes
Day 54. If you havent known yet, i’m on natural mode (sex with wife is not a relapse). So last night, I asked for sex, but she denied me because she’s already too sleepy. So i have this desire to have it that’s hanging in the air, and my urges now when I woke up is at 7/10. As mentioned before, if I feel I’m in danger for a relapse, I’ll write a post, so this is it.
Being denied of sex feels like rejection, even though the reason is not about you but the other person, as in my story above. Because our sexuality sits at the core of our being. When we’re naked, it’s all who we are, stripped not just of our clothes but also of our position, occupation, money, etc, what’s left is the core of our identity. If you think about it, this penis is at the core of our identity. Some of us are insecure if it’s too small. For some, It’s a blow to our confidence if we have PE or ED. We feel less of a man. When we ask for sex, it’s an invitation to the other person to see through us fully nothing hidden, accept us and be intimate with us. It’s a call for the deepest interaction there is, a call for deepest acceptance. That’s why for us men, we feel loved after having sex. It’s different for women, they want to feel loved first before they want to have sex. Sadly, we dont normally see it that way, we think that sex is all physical, when there’s a lot of emotional, psychological and even spiritual component involved with it.
I just want to imply that when we mess up with PMO, we also mess up with our sexuality, identity, the core of being. No wonder some of us are not confident, not able to socialize well, have low self-esteem, feelings of not being good enough, not worth it, not having what it takes to succeed. Our addiction to porn says something about us. I have a guess, all of us who are into pmo have something in our past or about ourselves that we need to hide. We have a thinking that if people really know all about us and see us for who we are, all of our darkest secrets, they would not like us and would eventually reject us. In short, a deep sense of being unlovable. We are afraid of being vulnerable to another person because it will lead to rejection. And that’s why we resort to porn, or paid sex, artificial intimacy. We see them naked and we get naked as well (or at least we take out our dicks) and orgasm together. The other person(s) on the screen seem to be enjoying and smiling and very open with us (a sign that they’re accepting us). No rejection happening at all. But it’s all an illusion, a hologram of sort, fake. And we know it, and we send a subconscious thought to ourselves, this isnt true, in real life i’m really not acceptable, im no good for those kinds of attractive people.
Truth is we’re cowards and selfish men. We want the prize but not willing to pay the price. It takes a lot of selflessness to really love a woman. It takes a lot of courage to risk to be authentic and vulnerable, to initiate and build real relationships with the possibility of being rejected in the end.
Note to self: be courageous and think of other people’s welfare more than yours. That’s how you build relationships. And when you have real relationships in your life as foundations, this pmo addiction will eventually crumble.
3 Likes
Day 56. I woke up in the middle of the night with an erect penis a few times. Woke up this morning with an 8/10 urge to relapse. I’m thinking it’s due to a high level of anxiety. This friday, I will be speaking in front of around 30+ people and I’m not ready with my slides yet. Public speaking is still one of my strongest fears. No matter how I try to convince myself to keep calm, my body says otherwise. I have butterflies in the stomach, jitters and all, building up from days before the event. Subconsciously, the automatic response to escape from it is so strong as well. At the height of the anxiety, I’m most susceptible to triggers. To jack off and release the tension seems the easy way out. But it will never be a way out. It will even worsen the problem. If I fap, what happens afterwards is I lose focus, i’ll waste time (with binging or fantasizing), i’ll procastinate even more and i feel guilt and shame – a recipe for disaster this friday.
The right thing to do is to prepare for the event and not to fap. Fapping is the wrong way to cope with the stress, fears and all sorts of negative emotions. It seems that it’s the only tool we know and use as coping mechanism, when in fact there are a lot of healthy and appropriate ways out there.
I was thinking to myself just now of a heuristic, that if something is not bad and I’m running away from it, from now on, i should run towards it and deal with it head on. To run away will only prolong the agony and may exacerbate the issue even more.
5 Likes
I can relate to it too. Well, everyone here probably too.
Yesterday I had high fever and headaches, and the urge to just have some relief was big. But I knew it would just make me worse after, then I just forget that.
It is not easy to resist the urges, but the feeling that comes after is much more better than whatever the relapse give to us.
Your diary is so much inspiring! Thanks so much for sharing with us! Keep living your life sir! We are on this together! 
2 Likes
Thanks sadraw. I’m encouraged by your words. Keep it up. Let’s all stay strong.
1 Like
I just discovered your diary and man, you can definitely write.
As for public speaking, I find it difficult too. I’m a pretty outgoing person but when I have to speak at an event in front of a group, I just cramp up. What helps me is to do breathing exercises 5-10 minutes before I have to do my presentation. It’s not easy to always calm yourself down, but often I feel that it relieves me a bit and helps me feel more ‘natural’ and less like I’m forcing myself to give a presentation.
Other than that, often speaking at public events makes you a better speaker as well. If you feel like it’s one of your weaknesses and you want to improve it, then why not grab every chance you can to give presentations?
1 Like
Thanks Chr1s. Yeah, it’s one of the areas I’m working on for some time now. I even joined toastmasters. Though I’ve improved a bit, i still have the jitters. But thanks for the tip, will do those breathing exercises then.
Do you think that recording yourself with a camera while you practice a speech and than watch it, and you can see what people see and maybe you can find things to Improve upon based on seeing yourself. Idk just a thought, I know some people are camera afraid as well, I just think they might be similar things.
Hi XxJaviixX. I’ve been trying to do that as well but never really regularly do so. I just watched a video yesterday that said i should do it so that i see where my “failures” are and improve it.
GL with your presentation!
2 Likes
Haha. Thanks Chr1s. I did a lot of prep and some practice. it turned out well, thought not as perfect as i wanted it to be. Im happy now
3 Likes
Day 68. It’s been a while since my last post. Urges have not been coming and a peaceful calm clear mind is what im experiencing lately. But i had some wet dreams. Also had dreams with naked people in it though not resulting to wet dreams.
Today, I want to write about the feelings of “not being good enough” as I’m being plagued by it for some time. Yesterday I got depressed a bit because I saw a friend’s post of his design works that I thought was excellent but got me thinking about myself after comparing my work with his. I made up the story that since he’s a newbie to the field and have made so progress so fast, it must mean something about me, that something’s wrong with me and that I’m not good enough. Impact on me was I got discouraged and procastinated to do some work.
I was thinking where did it all started. And what i can trace back is the abandonment of my dad, being poor, being bullied at school and by relatives. And thats the past. Now i’m no longer experiencing them but Im haunted by it. How can it be unlearned? Come to think of it, I will never be good enough. There will always be people smarter than me, richer than me, more good looking, more hardworking, more loved than me at whatever stage in my life. So I will suffer all the time then? I’m thinking of ways to deal with it.
- Stop comparing. But I thought this one requires super self awareness and training, because I compare subconsciously before I realized Im doing it.
- Accept that im not good enough. But i should not generalize on this. Im not good enough on some areas, i have to accept the facts and do something about it. But i cant tell myself im not good enough as a person, because that’s inferiority complex
- Think that Im good enough. This is my aim but this is the trickiest. Because i want to justify it by doing comparison, and again I will fail with that. The only way I can think of is that I’m wired uniquely, given a unique fate, so with that I cant be compared to anyone and therefore I’m already good enough on my own. Just like mango compared to other fruits is good enough for being mango.
- Go about life that being good enough doesnt really matter. The yolo concept and as long as you’re happy and living your life the way you want it, you must not dwell on how worthy you are as a person.
I liked all four points above. Need to use all four mindsets and not just one.
I believe most of us in nofap community has deep seated feelings of worthlessness at the roots of our addiction. And the shame of doing pmo adds to it as well. Lets learn ways of dealing with that negative feeling and perhaps along the way get less triggered to fap
8 Likes
Day 116. It’s been awhile since my last post. But 8’m happy I got this far still. Yesterday, I was browsing the Net with my wife beside me looking for a movie and suddenly a video ad of explicit porn pop up the screen. I caught a glimpse of it for 1second and I immediately switched to the next tab. For me it’s not a relapse, because I did not engage in it. But it’s triggering enough, i saw the genitals and the act. I’m afraid it can spiral me to a fall, a relapse soon. That’s why i’m creating this post. I still cant think i’m strong enough. And I believe sharing this minute detail can help me tap on community as form of strength against it.
Sex is a desire. When it’s aroused, it’s a powerful emotion. Being an emotion, it can bypass or hijack our rational faculties, to the point that we dont think clearly when it comes to handling it. We must really let the arousal subside without indulging it (that is, in the context of pmo addiction. Sex with wife, indulge with it, it’s ok). Like anger, let it subside so that you dont do anything that you regret.
That’s where self-control comes in handy. We have to build the muscle of self-control. Our pmo addiction has stripped us of it. How to build it back? Read or listen to this book:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ULfDQRKDtJY
1 Like
Day 204. Im on the brink of a relapse. So i have to write something again. The sequence of events lately: I have been working overtime on weedays and weekends, sat and sun, for the past 2 weeks, 12 hours a day just to finish a project because I have to or else it will affect the whole company in a certain way. So I’m quite fatigued. No energy to ward off invading thoughts of anxiety and self doubts. Occasionally allowed myself to indulge in the usual signs that im not ok and in danger of relapse: browsing for movies on netflix (a lot are triggering cover photos and description), and questioning myself if I’m already strong vs pmo and prove it by looking at few sexy images (non nude) and see if I get an erection, i.e. do I still lust after them or not. I know I’m obviously deceiving myself, because i’ve experienced this cycle several times and if I dont do something, I’ll surely relapse. Lately I’ve also been isolating myself from people, no friends that I hangout with, no one to talk to on serious stuff. I have my wife and son. But I think I still need some male friends to go to. So deep longings for close companions is also there. Tiredness + Anxiety + Loneliness = Urges & PMO, dangerous situation for me. And the left side of the equation is what i should be resolving now. The right side is the effect, the left the cause. If i deal with the cause, it will produce a different outcome.
Sometimes we focus our thoughts on I shouldnt relapse today, or I should avoid my phone, instagram, youtube or many other tactics to curb the urges (I’m not saying it’s wrong, keep on doing it) and still fail. Because the causes that drive us to pmo are still there and were not dealing with it.
I want to talk about loneliness. I’m an introvert. Quite difficult for me to build friendships. When i do want to intentionally build relationship, it feels awkward for me and the other person. maybe I’m trying to force my expectations on what close friends should be and the other person is not ready for it. And it takes two to tango. This hassle makes me give up trying to build friendships and just wait to let things happen. That is, wait for them to talk and engage with me. Unfortunately things dont happen. So result is I dont have friends. And I’m not socially adept and skillful with people. So there, a buildup of loneliness instead.
So maybe, can you give me some advice, what do you do to be a good friend (male to male) and how do you build up so that it goes to deep level friendships? I dont want acquaintances, i want friends that i enjoy spending time with and can share struggles with including pmo.
2 Likes
Sometimes I think we don’t know how to remove urges. I can remember days and days where the urge is there and it isn’t strong but it doesn’t go away either. I’ve been kind of lazy with push-ups and cold showers 
but sometimes they don’t help. If there was a universal way to defeat urges, let me know. I’d like to try.
@donkeykong I think to make good guy friends you have to reach out to them and show you are interested in their life. Talk about things you want to know about them. Hanging out is a good idea but I think as men we gotta show a healthy interest in the other guy’s life. It helps to laugh together too. Strip clubs and parties aren’t the best ways to build up a relationship.
I’d be glad to chat over nofap or anything else. I’m in the US 
too
Here’s my sharing code: 2dd8f7
1 Like
Thanks for the tip man. I guess that’s crucial too, being genuinely interested with other people’s lives. It’s not natural for me, have to do it intentionally.
I think urges are relatively difficult to tame. The trick is to stay away from triggers. Less triggers, less urges. But when urges come, dont feed it further. Remember the last time you relapsed for any patterns of behavior, and change something from that pattern, break from the stupid cycle. It would also help to have a strong distraction, the kind that makes us forget the urges because something more important and engaging is at hand.
My code: d8fd68
Back to Day 2. Been binging for this past days. The trigger to end the 200+days streak, a conflict with someone. Prior to that there was a pileup of overwork, stress, resentments and depression. It’s always like this, a relapse from a long streak leads to a binge. The reasoning behind is that, since I’ve fallen from such a height, might as well stay down here for a while, give in all in to all the desires, waddle in the mire of sensuality and perversion since I’m all dirty and impure because of what I just did.
But the voice inside says, “dont give in. for every relapse and peek, you let it master you again”. There’s always a fight, a conflict of desires. Either way, there’s a casualty. The Christian value says die to yourself daily. Someone has to die and it applies to both sides. Either death to the addict self or the sane self, death to unsatiable desires and impulses, or death to clear mind and confident demeanors. We choose.
So to stop the binge, one thing I’ll try to do is forgetting the past and stop listening altogether to the negative self talk, give up the guilt. These has to die. I’m still fighting with the force, dont want to go to the dark side.
2 Likes
If you’re comfortable sharing here you could provide the things that give you that negative mentality. A place to let go of those thoughts.
You’re not alone with binging, some days it’s harder to say no than others. Isn’t it deceiving how we get pleasure from a relapse but it’s actually bad for us?
That’s amazing @donkeykong,
I’d add, even though the counter says day 2,
It’s still around day 200, but with a dent in your bumper because of some moose walking out in front of you, maybe you could’ve dodged it, but hey, sometimes we don’t see it coming.
We might crash and need a few repairs along the road, but you are still very much on the road.
My highest streak has only been 19 days out of the 50 something, so far 
so take what I say with a pinch of salt, as you’ve probably done some amazing unconscious Rewiring, that I’m still in need of
I’ve spun off the road many times recently, crashing and taking detours - but I’m fully back on this journey, even though it feels like I’m driving a bumper car at times and my directions written on a toilet paper 
But it is *Matthew 5 27-30
I’ve only just read some of your diary and feel inspired by your journey - that’s why it’s amazing btw
Thanks @copper_bronze, yeah, i’ll try to do that next time. Unload negative thoughts here, that is.
For some reason i resisted writing here as promised, prior to my relapse. Maybe i got too angry that i wanted a relapse so badly.
Agree, it’s like you’re in limbo when in binge mode, cant seem to resist and get out of the loop and it being compounded with pleasure you get.