Day 14:
Long time, buddies. I couldn’t be here because I had an upcoming exam and I decided to devote all of my time to it. Aaand, it was a desperate attempt😢 at qualifying one of the toughest exams of India through a preparation of 5-6 days.
I know I messed up with the exam and I am not gonna crack it. All I have left now is a single chance that I will be getting next year. I will be looking forward to it. This time I will be better prepared.
Now, one thing that I particularly realised which is of extreme importance to my nofap jorney is that I have a lot of urges while travelling(seeing random hot girls). My eyes just go on to have a glance at their ** parts and I feel ashamed of this mentality of mine. I have struggled from this in the past.
In the previous streak that I had, I had almost defeated this mentality. Yet, I have fallen again. It is probably because 2 weeks into nofap my body is craving what it used to get from orgasms and porn (now in a healthier way).
But then again - urges are urges and they are my enemy. I know that they are gonna ultimately lead me to hell. I had to suffer throughout the day. It was hard to put up a good fight when I found some private time. But I did not fail. And the streak is on for good.
Day 15:
The battle had been long and hard and lasted through the night. I faught all day and faught all night with scarcely any rest. I tried to resist.Fight. Persevere. But the night exploded. I was surrounded. Overpowered . And I was forced to give in. I relapsed twice yesterday, blew all of my energy. I saw that the sun was shining bright and yet I was feeling cold. It grew darker and I thought that the day had just begun.Drained of all my energy, I started crying before I woke up and found that it was a dream.
I think that it was a wet dream(although I wasn’t wet when I woke up). I don’t fully understand the definition of wet dreams(never had one, even on my longest streak).
So your still going strong? I’ve had 5 days off work and it’s been a battle but I held in there.
Keep the faith. It’s all worth it.
Day 35:
Was preparing for an exam that I had to give today. And for your information, I screwed it up. I performed below the standard that I set for myself .
Staying away from the diary, I realised that it is a an important stimulus and helps keeping me on the right track. For that matter, I think that any form of goal can be brought a steps closer to its realisation, only by writing it down and making concrete plans for it’s attainment.
Talking about my state if mind, I feel depressed as fuck right now. I was afraid that I would end up relapsing, only to run away from my problems. So here I am. It is just that I was trying hard, with all my might, to do well in today’s exam. Yet…
Currently, Dark and depressing thought have fogged my mind. I have realised that I have got immense amount of work to do on myself before overcome this addiction and become the man I want to be. It’s not gonna help cuddling in the quilt, excusing myself saying that:“I will do it tomorrow.”
I will be up and doing, I am not giving up. (though, not sure how?)