Diary - Flik's Journey

Hello everyone,
I am Flik, a 25 year old male. I was introduced to porn at age 11 and have had a problem ever since. I first realized that I had a problem at the age of 21 and have been battling this addiction for the last four, almost five, years. I am on day 19 of my reboot and have hit some pretty difficult obstacles that I am struggling to overcome, so I decided to start a diary as an outlet and distraction. I will sum up everything I have dealt with so far and will continue to post as regularly as possible from here on out.

Day 1-3
Days 1-3 were relatively easy. I relapsed one day after discovering this app and the frustration I felt in response served as a pretty good motivator. Good enough to keep me from binging, anyway.

Day 4-6
I had some moderate urges days 4-6. They weren’t overwhelming and I was able to recognize them and dismiss them rather quickly. Staying busy was enough to keep it out of focus. It felt more like my body saying “Hey, you are out of your routine.” and not “This is horrible, you feel awful, give me some dopamine and you’ll feel better”.

Day 7-15
Day 7-15 was manageable, I stayed as busy as possible which allowed me to overcome the minor to moderate urges I felt. I also started to see a few changes; energy and focus building with each day, more life and vibrance in my face and demeanor, better sleep. These things encouraged me and have kept me going.

Day 16-17
The strong urges finally came on day 16. I knew that it was only a matter of time. I read the book “Your Brain on Porn” when I started this journey and it gave me a good understanding of what to expect and why. (I would recommend it to anyone struggling with this addiction). I had to get out of the house both days. I am single and live alone which can make things particularly challenging at times. The urges were strong… Very strong. I felt like a runner hitting their wall. Fortunately, getting out of the house, reading my Bible (I am religious), and reading through these forums was enough to help me overcome. I also started exercising. A lot of people say that helps. I also noticed symptoms of withdraw around day 14 that are starting to become problematic. They include: Unprovoked crying and rush of emotion, unprovoked stress over nothing in particular, mood swings, and feelings of depression.

Day 18
Day 18 brought upon the strongest challenge I have had in my journey so far. I had strong urges, stronger than those on day 16 or 17. Started having that old “I feel like I’m going to explode without a release” feeling and a sense of panic set in. I also had strong feelings of depression. I didn’t want to leave the house. I started having thoughts pop up like “Why are you even doing this?”, “You’ve made it 18 days, isn’t that far enough?”, “It wouldn’t be that bad if you started over, you’ll make it farther next time”. Luckily, I had insight now (more wisdom from YBOP). I was able to recognize what was happening each time and shut those thoughts down. I had enough sense to stay in the chair in the living room and not venture to my bedroom (my ritualistic spot) otherwise, I might not have made it. I finally had to revert to the cold shower tactic as well. Also, I finally got the badge I so desperately wanted. Day 18 is the first star-shaped badge. I’m not sure why but that had been a major motivator for me and achieving it just when my urges were at their strongest helped me out a lot.

Day 19
Apparently I had a wet dream last night… I have mixed feelings. I am partially relieved because I no longer feel like I’m going to explode but I am also a little worried about the chaser affect. I had some fairly strong urges today but nothing compared to yesterday’s. I was able to overcome by doing some chores, exercising and getting out of the house. My feelings of depression were also gone today. Something I had told myself last night that I would overcome today. I’m sure these things will all rear their ugly heads again but, hey, I’m still here. Day 19, just looking for 20. One day at a time they say… Thanks for reading guys. I wouldn’t have gotten where I am without this community, I have no doubt.


Day 22
I am just a few hours from rolling over to day 23! (Roll over time is 7:00ish). Last time I was on here I was worried about the chaser affect but so far I haven’t noticed anything like that. What I am experiencing is Flatline. No sex drive at all. Almost feels like my bits are numbed, honestly. Luckily for me, I am single and I guess I am technically doing hard mode so it’s not much of a problem. The hardest part for me right now, I think, is that my symptoms of withdrawal and the benefits of nofap are having inverse effects. For example: Some of the major advantages I am starting to see is that I have more energy and motivation; however, one of the withdraw symptoms I am experiencing is feelings of depression which drains my energy and demotivates me… So there has been a lot of back and forth over the past week or so. I am never sure what kind of day it is going to be. I have just been reminding myself that my brain is trying to “rewire” or “correct” itself and this is just part of that healing process. I know it’s not permanent and that helps. One of the most exciting things is that the habitual “time for porn” instinct is starting to fade. I am noticing my mind look for other solutions more and more each day. Staying positive and moving forward!

Day 31
Today was day 30, guys! I rolled over to day 31 at 7:30 this evening. I celebrated by taking a mini road trip and shooting some photography at a place I’ve wanted to visit for a really long time. The benefits of nofap are really starting to show for me now. I am more active. I have more energy and, perhaps more importantly, more motivation. I am finding it easier to stick to the healthy tasks and routines I have been shirking off for so long. I have changed my diet, I’ve started working out again, I’ve even started to trim down and lost a little bit of weight. I finally feel like myself again. I feel like I’m becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be but for some reason resisted coming. It’s really amazing what you can accomplish when you stop wasting all of your time and energy on sources of immediate gratification. I still have urges, I always will; I know that. But I am conquering them one at a time. Just take them as they come and build off of each little victory. I think things will be easier once I get into a committed relationship and sex is an option again. Until then, I’m investing all of these new energies and mentalities into myself and I can tell you all one thing for certain… I am a lot happier than I was 30 days ago!

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Day 0

I relapsed. I was on day 35. I foolishly thought I had come far enough to handle one of my triggers (relaxing in the bath). Obviously, that proved to be a mistake. I decided to stay positive, though and appreciate how far I had come. My previous record streak was only 14 days! Of course, that was before I found this app. Anyway, I relapsed again today. I woke up from a nap that I didn’t even mean to take and I was still half asleep when the old habits took hold. I won’t lie, I’m upset about it but I am trying to stay positive. I didn’t binge, I am happy about that! And I know I can get back on track, I’ve just got to be more careful. You’ll notice in my headers now that there is a J-number above the day… That is days of my journey (days since I discovered this app and started trying nofap again). I wanted to mark it separate as I think that is just as important as streaks to track my progress. Not giving up! Thanks for all of the support, this community has done wonders for me!