Hello everyone,
I am Flik, a 25 year old male. I was introduced to porn at age 11 and have had a problem ever since. I first realized that I had a problem at the age of 21 and have been battling this addiction for the last four, almost five, years. I am on day 19 of my reboot and have hit some pretty difficult obstacles that I am struggling to overcome, so I decided to start a diary as an outlet and distraction. I will sum up everything I have dealt with so far and will continue to post as regularly as possible from here on out.
Day 1-3
Days 1-3 were relatively easy. I relapsed one day after discovering this app and the frustration I felt in response served as a pretty good motivator. Good enough to keep me from binging, anyway.
Day 4-6
I had some moderate urges days 4-6. They weren’t overwhelming and I was able to recognize them and dismiss them rather quickly. Staying busy was enough to keep it out of focus. It felt more like my body saying “Hey, you are out of your routine.” and not “This is horrible, you feel awful, give me some dopamine and you’ll feel better”.
Day 7-15
Day 7-15 was manageable, I stayed as busy as possible which allowed me to overcome the minor to moderate urges I felt. I also started to see a few changes; energy and focus building with each day, more life and vibrance in my face and demeanor, better sleep. These things encouraged me and have kept me going.
Day 16-17
The strong urges finally came on day 16. I knew that it was only a matter of time. I read the book “Your Brain on Porn” when I started this journey and it gave me a good understanding of what to expect and why. (I would recommend it to anyone struggling with this addiction). I had to get out of the house both days. I am single and live alone which can make things particularly challenging at times. The urges were strong… Very strong. I felt like a runner hitting their wall. Fortunately, getting out of the house, reading my Bible (I am religious), and reading through these forums was enough to help me overcome. I also started exercising. A lot of people say that helps. I also noticed symptoms of withdraw around day 14 that are starting to become problematic. They include: Unprovoked crying and rush of emotion, unprovoked stress over nothing in particular, mood swings, and feelings of depression.
Day 18
Day 18 brought upon the strongest challenge I have had in my journey so far. I had strong urges, stronger than those on day 16 or 17. Started having that old “I feel like I’m going to explode without a release” feeling and a sense of panic set in. I also had strong feelings of depression. I didn’t want to leave the house. I started having thoughts pop up like “Why are you even doing this?”, “You’ve made it 18 days, isn’t that far enough?”, “It wouldn’t be that bad if you started over, you’ll make it farther next time”. Luckily, I had insight now (more wisdom from YBOP). I was able to recognize what was happening each time and shut those thoughts down. I had enough sense to stay in the chair in the living room and not venture to my bedroom (my ritualistic spot) otherwise, I might not have made it. I finally had to revert to the cold shower tactic as well. Also, I finally got the badge I so desperately wanted. Day 18 is the first star-shaped badge. I’m not sure why but that had been a major motivator for me and achieving it just when my urges were at their strongest helped me out a lot.
Day 19
Apparently I had a wet dream last night… I have mixed feelings. I am partially relieved because I no longer feel like I’m going to explode but I am also a little worried about the chaser affect. I had some fairly strong urges today but nothing compared to yesterday’s. I was able to overcome by doing some chores, exercising and getting out of the house. My feelings of depression were also gone today. Something I had told myself last night that I would overcome today. I’m sure these things will all rear their ugly heads again but, hey, I’m still here. Day 19, just looking for 20. One day at a time they say… Thanks for reading guys. I wouldn’t have gotten where I am without this community, I have no doubt.