🌊 Derek's Journey [18M]

Day 3: “No wandering. In every impulse, give what is right: in every thought, stick to what is certain.” -Marcus Aurelius

-Currently experiencing urges and I’m home alone for the next few hours, going to keep moving and not let myself slip.

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Day 3, part 2:
-Had a great morning, did everything I wanted to do.
-Hung out with my girlfriend and then went to a community jazz festival with her, it was awesome! One of my friends from school showed up too and we all hung out, jamming to the music and talking. There was a big fireworks display and I spent some time playing football with some little kids.
-Gf became tired and claimed she didn’t enjoy it so much, which killed my vibe a little. Drove home and went to bed soon after.

Day 4: Pretty good!
-Today felt smooth, like I was just chugging along.
-Slept a little later, but after a morning of meals and TV with the family, I meditated, read for a bit, journaled.
-Lifted weights and played baseball with my brother for awhile, it was nice hanging out with him.
-Dinner and some TV with the family, FaceTimed my gf and she’s been feeling depressed/annoyed. She didn’t express any of it towards me, but it clashed a little during the call, when I would be more optimistic about things.
-Went to bed right after typing this. :bed: :running_man: :dash:

Day 5:
-Released thinking/fantasizing about gf, I’m not counting as relapse. I’m considering it a slip, but since it wasn’t full PMO, I’m not beating myself up too much. I’ll try to refrain from it in the future.

-The rest of the day was good. Did a morning workout and ate breakfast, finished a book I’ve been reading for a while. Worked with my neighbors, stacking and loading firewood.
-Relaxed, ate dinner with the family. Had urges to edge, simply to feel the pleasure. I gave in before quickly realizing my mistake, got out of the room and watched TV with my family.
-Feeling cautious but calm about possibly reaching past my streak record of 9 days, I really want to. Tomorrow I’m going to attempt to be 100% clean, get these images and ideas slowly out of my head and replace them with better thoughts.

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Day 6:
-Peeked and edged but stopped myself.
-Got a haircut and it’s very short, I feel brand new!
-Did some landscaping work for the last time before I leave, then lifted weights and ate dinner with my dad.
-Going to bed right at 10:00, feels nice to have a schedule, it’s additional motivation for me to resist nightly urges.

DAY 7: Foolishly edged, fighting these urges.
-Happy! Went on a 3-mile run this morning, had a great morning.
-I was doing fine and then I began edging, kept doing it but stopping myself throughout the day.
-I have a punching bag in my garage, and decided that I can beat up all my urges, felt fantastic afterwards. Visualizing PMO as the bag gave me all this energy and power to keep punching.
-I’m not a violent person, but I was so frustrated by the grip of this addiction.
-Played Monopoly with my family, had a good night.

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Stay strong… try to break the cycle. Each time you edge your “greasing the dopamine slide” and risking it… try “slapping yourself” and taking a deep breath… go for a walk or exercise and shake off that energy. You’re close to your record and edged less than that other streak. Rock on. #support

This is awesome. Well put.

Thank you for all the support. I’m going to seriously fight the urges, and keep myself away from edging at all costs. It’s so true, once you start it never stops, you keep tricking your mind and your mind never stops wanting it. Some would say to give in and reset, but I’m going to get past these urges and keep going.

Day 8: Downloaded BlockerHero
-Good morning, worked out and stayed away from all internet.
-Went on a date with my gf to this outdoor art gallery and she basically ruined it by feeling nauseous and light-headed the whole time. I know it sounds rude, but this happens a lot because she never hydrates enough.
-Went home and had a great dinner with my family, my dad left to visit my grandma and me and my mom watched TV together.
-Downloaded BlockerHero (purchased the premium plan) and it’s exactly what I want! Now I’m blocking every keyword I can think of to set up more barriers.

Day 9: My last day before I leave home.
-Went on a breakfast date with my gf, I’m not going to see her again until November so it was a little sad, but we’re still going to FaceTime and text.
-Came home and my parents made me lunch, we watched TV and packed up all my clothes.
-My mom made my favorite meal for dinner and we played board games and had fun.

-I PEEKED because I was feeling anxious for tomorrow, I need to find a way to block my laptop better because that’s a relapse machine in my eyes right now. Going to try and get some sleep before a long day of driving tomorrow.

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Day 10: A long drive.
-Woke up early and meditated, ran a 9:54 1½-mile, and ate breakfast with the family. Packed up my car, said my goodbyes, and began my 8-hour drive to North Carolina.
-It wasn’t boring at all, felt quite meditative and pleasant. Ate some snacks on the drive and admired the landscapes on the sides of the road.
-Finally arrived at my hotel around 5:30pm, got some Wendy’s and relaxed in my hotel room. Peeked again and it’s shocking to realize the cause so clearly (anxiety, need for familiarity in a new situation.) Stopped myself and did some push-ups.

Day 14: Doing great.
-The last few days I’ve been busy with my new job.
-11 of us are living together in a house in a state forest, and we all get along so far.
-Urges are nonexistent, being in such a new environment with so many people makes me even more motivated to completely reject PMO. :slight_smile:

Day 15:
-Woke up feeling very congested. Had mild urges simply to MO, no P.
-We drove for a long time all the way to upstate and hauled lumber for a few hours, and built a bridge structure with everyone else.
-Went back and relaxed.

Day 17:
-Still a little sick but doing great.
-No urges to P, solely attracted to the thought and pictures of my girlfriend.
-Kayaked, lifted weights, grocery shopped, and had a blast joking and chatting with everyone in the house.

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Day 20:
-Feeling confident, feeling clean. In this new place with new people, I’m doing better with changing my mental space.
-Lots of driving today to the service site and all the way back to our house.
-Blocked any form of X-content on my phone, and having no issues so far.

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Day 21:
-Peeked but resisted.
-I peeked because of urges and isolation.
-I do not want to peek again, porn is disgusting.

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Day 24:
-A great day, went to the beach with some friends and had a lot of fun eating, swimming, and singing in the car.
-Minimal urges, besides thinking about my girlfriend. It’s been about two weeks since i’ve seen her, next time will be Thanksgiving break.

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Day 28:
-Very strange to think it’s been 28 days.
-Today me and my group finished chainsaw training, I felled a tree and it went really well.
-I’m doing a lot of manual work but I still want to continue physical conditioning, going to try and get into a calisthenics routine.
-Good day overall, trying to refrain from gossip and other poor behaviors/habits.


Day 30:
-Had a nice quiet day today, lots of time for my hobbies.
-Got to play my cornet a bit, read, work out, even play “GTA V” for the first time which triggered me a little.
-These last 30 days have not been pure, they have not been “monk mode.” I’ve released about every three days, via pictures or texting my gf. I feel more confident in myself, and at the very base, much happier in my relationship knowing I’m being loyal in all aspects to her.
-I’m nervous to start retention, those urges typically make me revert to p. I’ll try it though, and occupy myself with friends and activities.