Derek's Inner Journey [18M]🧘🏻‍♂️

Boring work day, lots of hiking. Went grocery shopping with friends, had some fun and ate some dinner.

Lots more hiking. A virtual question panel at our main office, didn’t care for it. Came home and ate food, talked with everyone for awhile, went to bed way too late (11:30.)

Released twice today, gf sent me more NSFW😒
It usually kickstarts me into watching porn, but I’ll try not to.

I don’t consider this a relapse, but I’ll reset my timer. I feel so much better when I don’t MO.

Currently in the ER, awaiting treatment for some severe abdominal pain.

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Oh no bro, what’s the update? That’s freaky to hear, must have been bad to get you in the ER. I hope it wasn’t appendicitis or anything worse.

It was bad, at one point I think I passed out. I was waiting for so long my pain dissipated and I explained to them what I’d been feeling. It wasn’t appendicitis, if it continues for a few more days it could be a gallbladder issue.

Hang in there :crossed_fingers:t2:. Glad to hear it dissipated for now, and willing it to stay gone now.

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Day 2, feeling happy, generous. I have that feeling of wanting to do good and help others. Today’s work was mainly hiking, went to the library and BJJ class. At peace currently.

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The beast is back :sunglasses::v:

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I must harness the power of my mind. Self-denial, self-restraint. Hold yourself to these things unwaveringly:
-Sleep by 10:00pm
-Meditate twice per day
-Pray before every meal
-No wasting time on screens
-Cold showers always

Nobody cares if you follow these, nobody cares if you fail. Do this for your success, for your well-being.

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Today was an Upasotha: I meditated, didn’t indulge in entertainment, observed nature, and will soon go to sleep on the floor.

This was one of those days that feels like a test. A test of willpower, perserverance, how far you’re willing to go. The rain and gloom never ended, I pushed myself to make more progress (in building this new trail) than I ever have, not stopping, not quitting. I kept working in the rain, trudged through all the mud and slippery leaves. When work finished, I simply cleaned off my boots and began reading. First time meditating for a whole hour, I feel great. Just want more and more distance from PMO.

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Another tough day of work, another day of practicing Buddhism-Stoicism. Pushing through the fatigue, the hunger, the boredom, getting the job done. Watches a movie with my friend at the cabin, it was a blatant example of unethical actions (murder, robbery, drug use). Journaled and went to bed around 10:15.

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Last day of work before the weekend. Same old, felt very tired. Packed up and drove to the house, made myself some dinner and researched NoFap strategies and stuff. I never want to relapse again! I’m tired of resetting, tired of always restarting. My gf admitted to excessive masturbation recently, just to thinking about me. We both miss each other in that way, but she can’t control it sometimes.

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Last night I got too aroused, and released to a picture of my girlfriend. This journey is not about simply retaining seed, it is about self-control and ending my addiction to porn. I listened to a podcast yesterday in which a man reported that guilt after masturbation is what lowers testosterone, not masturbation itself. Masturbation to me is simply a lower act of the human instinct for sexual pleasure, I refrain so as to elevate myself. I want to stop this self-slavery to PMO, and make myself better. Today I’m going to start taking Ashwagandha, I’ll report any effects.

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Yes, That’s true.
You have to learn self control and improve yourself everyday.

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Had an amazing day with my two friends today in the small city of Sumter. Went to Five Below, a deli for lunch, the gym, the grocery store, thift store, a seafood place for dinner (only sides for this guy!), and then a small drive-through Christmas light village! Then we went home and watched a movie and played board games, this was all a birthday celebration for our friend and he said he had a great day.

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Day 6
Feeling very calm, very happy and present. Getting more erections than usual, random ones as I’m reading or something.

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Just released, simply to thoughts of my gf, I’ve deleted all the NSFW content she’s sent me, so as to move away from digital stimuli.

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9 days without porn so far, 1 day without MO. Now I’m transitioning to refraining from MO as well. It wastes time and energy.

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Watched a triggering music video and relapsed to it this morning. Still a relapse, hoping to not find myself falling into the chaser effect again.

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