Derek's Inner Journey [18M]🧘🏻‍♂️

Clean bulking has begun, it was hard today putting down all the food (3300 calories daily) but I managed. Managed to somewhat recover this day, lifted heavy in the gym and had a relaxing evening. Released again around 8:00 to another music video, the images get stuck in my head and I can’t help it. Wish I could just perma-block music videos on YT Music.
Feeling tired, but I’m ready to go hard.

Started a physical diary as well, dedicated specifically to ending PMO. So one journal will have events and things, the other will focus solely on ending my addiction.

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Had some raging urges today, recognized their insignificance and surfed them. Tough but manageable day at work, fun evening with friends. Went to bed right at 10.

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Feeling urges for all manners of stimulating content, I keep catching myself watching triggering music videos. I’m edging way less though, recognizing my triggering habits and environments.

Flying back home today for winter break, hope my home doesn’t kickstart my old habits again.

Well this backfired immensely. Was dealing with conflicting feelings of dissatisfaction with my gf and attachment, thoughts of wanting to break up with her. I know it’s been two years and everything but the way she always annoys me with being so clingy and difficult. I feel the need to keep stuff from her so they don’t cause her anxiety (my work conditions, the way I feel.) I know honesty is important but I resent that I have to reassure everything I say with layers of nice-ness.

Last night I binged, I relapsed 3 times. It went from TikToks to my “old favorites” and I hated it. I felt awful, it was almost painful. I relapsed this morning and it reminded me of all the times I would start my day with porn when I was younger.

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As expected, feeling like trash about that binge. Downloaded ManDontFap, it’s pretty cool. Worked with my dad, watched TV with him, read and texted my gf about the distance I’ve been feeling lately. Exercised and played my trumpet, ate dinner with the family and helped my mom bake until 11:00.

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Today I was clean. My gf and I got to see each other and … then we watched a movie at my house. Relaxed with my family, talked at length to my dad about religion.

I wish everybody here all the best, I believe I’ll take a break from RC. The community here is great, I’d just like to try something a little more minimal, like MDF. Username on there is Dereksys38.

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Back at it. I finished up my volunteering and long story short, I’m in the US Navy now. I graduated in October, I’m doing technical school now. Struggling with PMO because of downtime and distance from gf as always.
I’m still working out all the time, trying to get back into meditation. Feeling tired frequently.

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Welcome back pal. Back at the grind, you’ve got this!

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Today I had duty, meaning I didn’t leave my barracks. When I got an urge, I instantly acted on it. I share a bathroom with 5 other people, I share a room with 2 (shared bathroom, three beds per room) but they all leave frequently. I’m going to try and alter the feeling of the room, move a few things so it’s not filled with triggers.
As with all my roommate situations, they’re getting on my nerves and especially all the sound they make. But luckily, I can focus on my task and ignore it, but it really does drive me crazy.

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If you acted badly, try the same but with good action.

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Throwback from my trailbuilding days, a little more than a year ago.

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I still remember this image. You had it on your dp right?
Anywho, welcome back brother!

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A very long and boring day. Lots of walking, lots of cleaning, really minimal free time too. Still found time to fold some laundry.
Spent this weekend with my dad, he brought my car and so I’ll be able to drive on my own, no more taxis or anything. Had a great time with him, did all sorts of activities like target shooting, batting cages, museums, and LOTS of food! Today I ate lighter and I’m trying to get back into my usual diet, reducing the sugars significantly.

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Today was very slow, not too fun either. Lots of cleaning again, as part of my “duty day”.
A bit controversial, but I read a guy’s story about him quitting p*** by using a sex toy. As in, he would focus his mind and do distraction activites, find his triggers, but he would also use it when he really felt the urge to relapse. I decided to buy one and I used it today, it was nice of course. It (the purchase) did make me feel a bit uncomfortable, but I figured it’s a method to try out.
So I stay away from all p***, but if all the urges get to me and it’s simply too much, I’ll use the… well I’ll refer to it from now on as MO.

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Feeling cloudy.
I have a new role as the barracks support watchbill coordinator, basically meaning I assign watches (cleaning, ID checking duties) to everyone in my barracks that aren’t currently in school. It’s stressful, but I’m managing so far. I haven’t truly meditated in weeks, I haven’t ran in a week. I’m so sick of always saying I need to lock in, but I do.

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Getting into calisthenics more, watching good movies. Still not meditating or reading much. I guess I won’t start my schooling until after winter leave, which for me begins tomorrow.
I’m very excited to go home for Christmas, I miss my family and my gf. I’m tired all the time lately, but I have lots of fun talking and hanging out with people in my barracks.
I PMO about 2 times daily, essentially without thought. Every day feels the same, I keep trying to change my trajectory. Hopefully this break will make me feel better and I can start getting myself on a better path.

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Have faith brother you will surely break out of this jail of pmo. Keep moving one day at a time.

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In the airport now, waiting for my flight home. I’m really excited. I noticed something about myself, I let everything wash over me. Good things and bad things, I recognize how temporary they are and I seem to not care about any of it.
I enjoy the good things, I’m indifferent about the bad, but either way I recognize it’ll all pass. My dad thought it meant depression, it just feels as if there’s no fire in my life.
Should I choose to embrace the wild passion and emotions of life or remain serene, continue to stay calm and unfazed as the world moves and changes around me?

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Had a wonderful time back home, spent time with family, friends, and my gf. Everyone is doing well, my town looks the same but with a few little improvements. I feel so happy, I feel rejuvenated. Back in the barracks, 20 hours away. Unpacked and organized everything, I was a little sad but then all these people I recognized saw me and started asking how I was doing, how my break was. This place isn’t so bad at all, I’m grateful for where I’m at and who I’m around.:slightly_smiling_face:

Also I’m on 12 hours, I’ve been caught in this PMO habit cycle for so long.

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