Derek's Diary [18M]

Day 2: Occasional urges, mainly to edge. Had a good day, spent some time on all my hobbies, got two new books in the mail. Had my last shift at work today, it was boring but in the end I’m going to miss my co-workers. Excited to have more free time (but I’ll need to find a good use for it! :sweat_smile:)

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I’m embarrased to say I’ve relapsed yet again. Last night I came home feeling triggered from work (today was my last day so we’ll see what changes) and ended up staying up late edging and finally releasing to stuff I found through the SPIN blockers. I feel weak and stupid, but I will continue on.

Day 1: Pure Streak Reloaded

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I feel humiliated typing that I’ve relapsed yet again. The chaser effect is strong, and my mind is strongly attached to the compulsive behaviors of watching p and hiding in my room, crouched over like some spineless animal.
Today’s trigger was getting a personal laptop, which I’ve spent the last few hours p-blocking. It’s now more armored up than my phone, but I can disable all of them. I always do this, I find ways around the blockers, ways to disable the system meant to help me. Began reading “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius today, very excited to continue. Today was a rest day from all the work I’ve been doing lately. I’m starting fresh, I don’t care what’s happened in the past. I refuse to give up on this journey, and I WILL take control of my life and become the man I want to be.

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Clean, Day 1.
-Good day, meaningful actions.
-“Meditations” is a very good book.
-Spent time with family and on hobbies.
-Went on a date with my girlfriend, ate dinner and played mini-golf, went to a park and walked around.

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Another relapse! I don’t know why I thought having my laptop in my room would be a good idea, that’s been what triggers me. Without even deciding to conquer the urges or anything, I walk over to my laptop and relapse. For years it’s been a mindless cycle. And on top of that, I’m doing awful at @Parker27 's challenge :slightly_frowning_face:

I need to develop more self-control, more self-discipline. I’ve made room in my life for p for so long, I don’t even know what to do without it. Come on Derek, try harder.

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You’re only 18… when did you first start? I like the mindset of realizing you made room for it. Instead of spending all the energy trying to push it out, spend it inviting new things in to take their place and naturally squeeze them out.

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I would say I first started around 11 years old, I remember myself watching it all through middle and high school. Since my memory is of course foggier as I look further back, I can’t entirely remember how I was before this.
Yeah, it took me a long time to realize how much time I sacrifice for this addiction, how many social occasions I would turn down and how many hours I would spend in isolation from my family.

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A clean day. Went on a nice nature run/walk in the morning, then cleaned up my house and had a couple of friends over. We ate tacos and talked, played basketball and had a bunch of fun together. They left a few minutes ago, and I’m heading to bed feeling minor urges.

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don’t fall man One piece of advice might be to text with male friends and talk about soccer, movies, motors, things like that. no sex, to tire the mind and not relapse. do not give up.
Translated from Spanish

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Another clean day, besides some sexual texting with my gf. Stayed moving today, washed my car and lifted weights, went on a run and talked with my family a lot. Going to bed late again.

Clean day, woke up and felt great. Worked for 4½ hours fence-building in the heat, went home and napped. Went with my mom into town and bought myself new running shoes and some random supplies for my volunteer term. Came home and lifted weights, played my cornet, ate dinner with the family. I truly got a lot out of this day.

Wow!!! It’s amazing brother :100:
Keep going :muscle:

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Peeked, and edged too. Managed to shut the stuff off and delete it all, hoping it doesn’t cause more complications later on.

Day 5
-Absolutely 100% clean the whole day
-Spent my time wisely
-Spent lots of my day outside
-Bench pressed 205lbs (1RM)
-Watched a great movie with my family and ate pizza

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I’ve been offline a bit… happy to come back and see all these good reports. Sweet deal. Keep breathing clear and stay in the flow! Easy does it bro :]

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I peeked this morning, got mad at myself and reset my counter. The goal is to be clean and free of this, and I won’t tolerate myself trying to excuse edging, peeking, etc. But it’s an Uposatha today, and I’m going to try my best to follow all 8 precepts.

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Yeah man, keep it up. If it’s helpful to reset, go for it, but with you pulling off not completing a session, I would call that progress worthy of not having to see that 0 again so quickly. Oay, 8 precepts… let’s see you get up to 8+ days on your counter starting today! Keep busy and don’t stress and trip!

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Uposatha
-Watched some YouTube and had a small dinner but otherwise followed precepts
-Read sutta and meditated for an hour
-Stayed up a little later to view the full moon

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Day 1:
-Urges were 6/10
-Felt strange today, lots of my time slipped away without me noticing.
-Lost my bluetooth speaker :frowning_face:
-Started to pack up some of my clothes, I’m leaving to SC on the 21st for six months of outdoor volunteering (trail and conservation type stuff.)
-Ate dinner with my family, didn’t get around to reading.

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Day 2:
-I’ve noticed when I get urges, there is no gap between stimuli and reaction. I barely think at all before I’m trying to find some p. This compulsion has definitely rooted itself in my head.
-Woke up late but had a nice day overall, felt very calm.

Tomorrow’s goal: Trying to analyze and recognize my urges, space myself from triggers, and busy myself.

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