Day 15 of this journey

I’m still not feeling better about myself. I still feel lonely, depressed, and I find myself crying to sleep every night. Even doing workouts and gaming doesn’t have thay sort of appeal anymore. Still haven’t found a girl to talk to and still don’t feel normal. Fck, in fact everyone thinks I’m wierd. I don’t even know how to talk normally to person. Maybe that’s the reason why I’m a loser and a failure. I can’t even establish proper social standards in order to talk to people. And I’m going to say it, regardless of how long I’ve stopped masturbating, I feel like nothing will change I don’t know how toe happy any more, I don’t know how to think positively, and even if I DO act all cheerful during my jobs greeting customers and all, it’s all just a performance. While I just stand there and greet everyone with a smile, I’m just angry and sad on the inside. I cannot even talk to my coworkers either since they all think I’m so wierd. I wonder why the hell am I doing any of this. It’s not like I’m going to change or anything. It’s not like I’m going to get 1 million dollars at the end of it all. It’s not like I’m going to be a chick magnet. So why the fck am I doing this? The answer is really simple: because I’m stupid. Because I’m an idiot. Because I truly believe that this going to make me a better person, and possibly an alpha male and it’s going to be done when I do NoFap long enough. I sincerely feel like I’m just fooling myself.
I doubt anything will change and I doubt anything will get any better. Until I actually see AND feel that there’s some positive change in my life, I cannot and will not believe it. I know you’re all thinking that I’m just being negative, but for f*ck sakes, how can you feel any positivity when you don’t have the things that you want and constantly failing at everything in a life. When you have no goals to accomplish and when you feel defeated after you fail on your first try on anything? I just cannot believe any of this positivity as long as theirs so many negative results. And I get that it’s all in the hrad, but how does one program him/herself to be an optimistic idiot without thinking any sort of negativity. I just don’t understand. And I probably never will. And that’s probably why I will always fail and why no one will every understand me. No one will ever acknowledge me. And no one will ever be with me…

A post was merged into an existing topic: HollowMan91 - My “Journey” Thus Far (Warning: May Be A Venting Blog)