Haven’t written here for a while. And yet, the time has come… during my longest streak, I got a false sense that I am done with this. The truth is - I am not. Something has hit my foundation, my mindset, my willpower or most probably - my selflove. It is devastating feeling. No anger just a sadness. And the temptation for “selfdestruction”, at some level, when you suddenly have a desire to harm yourself more, like a proof, that you’re pitiful.
So starting again, from this 1st of March. Current streak - 10 minutes.
Will try to make an entry here everyday. So I would stay conscious and ready to act if the danger occurs.
I can’t do this just on my own. I need God’s help and His mercy. Probably I forgot this as well.
Brand new start! Let’s go!
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Back to basics. That’s important. We cannot forget that we’re ddicts and alwys need to stay on guard. Good luck 
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Thank you! You’re right, I totally agree 
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03/02
The 1st full day has ended.
Honestly, I don’t feel uplifted or very joyful. It’s more probably horizontal line on the monitor. Probably, I was shocked to understand that the thing, I thought I am done with, has the different opinion… the question is - will I stay on this edge forever? It might be, or, maybe, not. If I take right steps.
Started to read that EasyPeasy legend. It talks more about “P” and I suffer from “M”… these are connected, but not sure, if the method is helpful both way… we will see. I hope, it’s as good as people talk… want to finish with this thing once and for all.
Anyway, greetings to myself - I am glad you managed to stay calm and weren’t so devastated. And I am proud, you worked hard today. Just don’t be too harsh to yourself. Everything is doable, changeable.
Keep going, it’s the new chapter. Write it with joy.
Good night 
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03/03
Day 2
It looks like months and months have passed since the last relapse. It’s strange… as the routine I have doesn’t change a lot, on the other hand, it doesn’t have that much space to change. But at least I realised, I need more sleep. 6 or 6.5 hours aren’t enough, so lately, I began to feel really bad, tired, exhausted, unmotivated and all other discouraging things. So trying to get more sleep. Go to bed on time. Take care of myself a bit more. Of course, I don’t want to become selfish, mean person, but I need to accept the fact, that I have needs as well, and I have to give some time for me. Especially time to rest. And physically, I feel better (getting earlier to bed for 2 days now), emotionally- not yet, but hopefully, it’s just a matter of time
God Lord, thank you for the day. For all good inspirations I had, for all things I’ve done. I am sorry for moments I wasn’t the person, You wanted me to be. By Your grace, I will learn those lessons.
Now will wait for the next page.
Good night
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03/04
Day 3
It was really hard day emotionaly. All the problems, that are happening in the world is dragging down my spirit. And igniting a lot of inner anger.
On the other hand, maybe my cravings are blocked too… But the feeling is, hours are just passing by, without any meaning. I should get more positive, I’ve noticed some time earlier - the longer you’re in a negative state, the faster you drown deeper in this state and climbing up seems almost impossible, or sometimes even meaningless…
So an advice for those, who suffer from often relapses and are feeling down, angry, helpless and hopeless, please, try to get out of this state as quickly as possible, because it is draining your energy and doing a great harm on your chances to heal!
Good night!
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Having a purpose every single day works for me. There were days , in which I felt like this. So I just set a random goal not to make sure I succeed but to make sure I have something to aim at
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03/05
Day 4
It was a busy day, as always on weekends: groceries, household stuff feel quite tired actually and also pumped up, so at some point - satisfied. Physical work release tension and, furthermore, you get the result instantly 
it inspires to go for changes. Probably Jordan Peterson was right “Clean your room” at first to fix your life. I am not at that dramatic state, however, order is always a good thing! So, I offer someone to try this - clean your room. It might be helpful for cleaning your mind too…
And well, stopped reading EasyPeasy legend. I should restart this for sure.
I think, I have a sunny evening today, despite the day has started in such a dark place. I am more hopeful than I was yesterday.
Writing my new chapter
Good night!
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03/08
Day 7
Less busy evening. It’s one week, but it feels like months and months have passed. … I feel close to what I felt in the beginning of my longest streak journey. Kinda calm. Kinda indifferent. Kinda ready for an attack. But it’s not “light” (like full if hope), it’s more like really “dark” without any expectations. I don’t think this state is a good place to be, however, probably, I need to survive it. If I am trying to “jump” over it full of motivation and energy to act on my life, I “fall” really fast. Maybe, I just need to wait to “recharge” myself. So if someone feels like everything is lost and there is no hope and there is no energy - maybe you just need some time to "recharge ".
Stay blessed.
Good night
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03/09
Day 8
In general, it was a good day. Expected 9ne unpleasant conversation, but it turned out to be quite normal and harmless. However, faced my limitations on a skill level… Lately everyday brings something unpleasant for me to know about myself. Maybe it’s a blessing? But for the perfectionist it is hard to accept this 
so yeah, probably I should pay attention to every lesson I learn about my flaws and use it to become better? Oooor should I accept them as a sign, that there is nothing wrong to be imperfect? I am not worse because of that, I am unique. But do I want to improve? Oh yes, I want it. And still going to do this. At some area. At some point.
Good night
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May 10th
2nd day
Yup, despite it’s sad and absolutely discouraging - I screwed up myself again! Once I’ve told to someone - better don’t leave this forum and community, as the practice shows, that majority of friends addicts lose their track completely and come back to this forum at the miserable place and state of their minds 
and I can assure - yup, this is how you get tricked - oh, I’m strong enough, I am ready. More probably- you aren’t neither strong nor ready to fight this alone.
Can’t speak about others, but in my case - helping others IS the strategy that works. I guess it is the essence of human’s life in general - just stop being selfish, stop thinking only about yourself and see just yourself. Forget about yourself and take a look to other person and think, what good thing or encouraging word could you say.
Now I need to use my own insights and keep going with a hope.
Stepping into a battlefield.
Good luck!
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July 4th
I’ve thought it’s far far away, but today I should admit - I’ve got to my lowest point again. Again. It’s as miserable as it could be. All my progress is lost, as well, as self respect pathetic. Probably, my emotions now are - “You know what, lady, you are useless. And, well, imature…”. The only one thing I could expect now - I am disgusted enough with that, disappointed enough with that, to find the inner strength to start all new chapter, in many areas of my life. Hopefully, I’ll stop procrastinating, waiting for right mood, avoiding hard or tiring work. I want to go towards more meaningful, healthy and matured way of living. As no one is going to give my wasted days back. I wish, I could learn this lesson this time. For the better - this last time.
Everything is quite dark. But dark is the darkest before the dawn. I hope, this is the case …
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