Dan's Diary : Struggle against Depression & Suicidal Thoughts

So I want to introduce myself before continuing.
My name’s Dan, and I’m 18 years old. I have been living with no friends throughout my life since 4 years ago. I also have been severely trampled, manipulated, picked on, insulted, bullied, and exiled by people since middle school till the college because of my unusual traits and tendencies, creating limiting beliefs, social anxiety, and mild paranoia. I also have no purpose in my life, and because of that my limiting beliefs keep reinforced, and I keep giving in to my habits of fapping off as the result.
But then Gabriel Kalei Bocanegra helped me being honest with myself about my fapping addiction issues. And that’s when I discovered NoFap. Precisely on January 2, 2018.

And the thing is… I have quite a mild depression (I’m unsure about it though) since the mid-January of 2018 and it gets worse till now because of “bad weeks—relapse—bad weeks” cycle. Well, actually, it’s more like me being unable to control myself when I have high streaks like 9 days or 11 days.
So… yeah… I’ve been struggling with both NoFap and depression for six straight months, with no significant progress despite watching hundreds of Gabriel Kalei’s motivational videos. That’s why I slowly turned into a stagnant, idle person who lays down on his bed in his room all day as soon as holiday started, and that’s why I’m more prone to relapsing. There’s a moment when I reached one week, but then I completely lost in the depths of depression and my family’s harsh scolding and thus my streaks were reduced to just less than a week. (with edging in-between, of course)
But somehow, I managed to lessen my depression for these last one week and I managed to reach day 2 today.
However, then my family members scolded me for being idle, stagnant, selfish, and asocial. I spoke up to one of them and I told him that I have no actual purpose in life, and so he told me to drop dead.
That made me completely devastated and I kept contemplating about suicide. Should I really hang myself like one of the game characters who happened to live the same life like me? Or… should I jump off from the top floor? Because… I can barely take this anymore. I just… want to disappear… right now.

I try to look for a fun activity and a purpose for months, and it’s not like I’m trying to take the easy way out or I’m being lazy and selfish (even though I often feel like I’m the most worthless and selfish piece of crap ever for fapping off). I’ve been trying my hardest to wake up and step out of my comfort zone to do basic routines, but it comes to a dead end when I know everything is pointless. I tried to go out but there were selfish drivers and traffic jams everywhere. I tried to go to my family’s workplace and I was even introduced to my family’s friend for consultation. However, some of them said some of these words twice :
“You’re not talking to us. Has your mouth been torn apart? It hasn’t right?” (this is outright insulting to introverts and loner wolves who have poor social skills)
And that consultant said :
“You’re too sensitive and you’re too immersed in your own worlds and imaginations.”
“You’ll have to adapt to social situations, or else you’ll be exiled forever.”
(Well, I know that you’re right to some extent, but actually it’s not that easy. You have never lived my past experiences and you have never got to live under the clutches of depression following you like a shadow and strangling you and you have never lived through loneliness and anxiety among crowds.)

So am I selfish if I choose to disappear now and then?

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And… am I really having a harsh life or am I just exaggerating just for attention and trolling?

That’s what I have been asking for the past 2 months, yet with no answers despite googling every single day. And here I am, still laying on the bed restlessly while writing this diary in doubt and fear that I just exaggerate my mental illness.

Hi JustDTG,

My thoughts on what you writted.
You have been humiliated, rejected in your life… And you decided that it was too difficult to cope with this difficult moment of your life.
You have taken action by isolating yourself from your friend and people, because at that time it probably seemed the best solution to avoid feeling bad, rejected and all those difficult emotions.

By doing that you are also saying no to life.
By not going out, you have renforced your fear of people, going out…
By not going out will not feel rejected, but you will feel numbed, frustrated or depressed because your fear closed you from social interaction which is essential in life.

What you should do
Go out to meet new people, socialise, you will not feel comfortable but it’s okay, people will say You don’t speak much, don’t be angry at them, just feel the hurt that you decided to supress. Eventualy with time, you will feel more and more relax around people, and you will have a goal.
But there IS NO OTHER SOLUTION BUT TO FACE YOUR DISCOMFORT AT BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
Really I don’t know anyone with social anxiety who goes out a lot, when you realise that your mind did exagerate the fear, the anxiety will start to lessen.

Contratulation for finding nofap, it will help you to have more energy to do the things that you want to do.

Do sport every two/three days, it will help you feel better, happier, and you can do it around other people which is good for you.

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Hey buddy!
I know what you mean. I have been there too.
Some thoughts: (sorry for the long text :smile: )

  • everyone is telling that being sensitive and an introvert is bad and everyone should be extroverted. But that is absolutely wrong!! I’m sensitive an introverted too. Sure, it does make many things in life much harder but you have chances which other people don’t have. (Following are typical for introverts, I guess it is much easier for us to acquire these things. Sure, these things have to be trained too)
    Often, friends trust you better since you are sensitive to what they say and a good listener
    You can focus better on tasks
    You can see details, others don’t see
    You could make a much better husband since you have the potential to understand or listen to feelings better.

I know what you think, that you don’t have any of them. But once you are better at living you will see that you really have these advantages.

What we have to learn is to cope with the “side effects” of being introverted. Our feelings are not bad. they are just different.

  • In your position it is not easy to break the cycle. You feel down, energy is low, everyone treats you like shit. This gives you an aura of a defeated person. And everyone can see that!
    That means that people will automatically treat you as an outsider. You will need to break this cycle (more to this later)

  • Often people think introverted and not being confident is kind of the same. But that is absolutely wrong. I exactly know what my skills are and I can sell them, but I like to stick to myself.

  • I think that we often underestimate the situation we are in. You are feeling like this for half a year. You start to forget how it feels to not be depressed or down. I think you are in a much worse situation than you think. Still, suicide is the worst thing you could do!

I think what you have to do are two things:

  • working on your confidence
    confidence as a first steps helps you to feel better, getting a better stance and aura. People will automatically treat you better and you will hence also feel better. You have to break the downward spiral!
    What I like is the method that your brain feels what you are doing (there are also studies about that)
    It means that if you smile (even if it is a static, untrue smile) you will feel more happy.
    If you are like me, your look will often be on the ground. your shoulders hanging and your facial expression is just dead -> you will feel like dead.
    What I did was to force myself to smile, have a good posture and look straight. Do this as often as possible and you will see that you feel better after some time

  • learning that the people around you aren’t as bad as you think. It is just that you attract all the negativity (until now).
    You have to regain the trust in the people around you. As soon as you are not drawing all the negativity to you anymore, you will see that people are much more kind. You will see, for example, if you smile at people, almost everyone will give you a smile back. These little things will make you feel much happier and better.

I know, you don’t wanna do all these things. But you have to start somewhere. Once you are in an upward spiral you will feel better and better

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Hang in there buddy. Dont let other people take the life out of you. It’s just most people are not prone to be emphatic. Some unintentional some are just assholes. Thats the world we live in. And we got no one else other than these humans. If you want to be friends with them you need to tolerate some of that and youll get used by time.

We can be idealists and try to make a change but reality is always a challenge. Just like NoFap. Introvert is not wrong but when you try to be social thats not your area so just expect some scratch and bruises.

For starters stick with people who accept most of you. Then go to wider groups. Or just stick with that accepts you. Whichever works. But dont let assholes or some words that we see as hurtful to take you down. Youve got a free life. Depression sucks but at least you have the chance to treatment. Losing an eye or leg you have to live with that.

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Day 1 Hour 15.43 / Day 90

So far so good. No triggers whatsoever. I tried to shrug off some triggers when it popped up accidentally when I was about to watch motivational videos on Youtube.
This time, after 6 months of miserable relapses, I must do it for at least 90 days. I have to plan strategies for avoiding that crap for my future and my comeback.

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1 day and 20 hours out of 90 days

This is bad.
I’m breaking down because I am considered selfish just for listening to motivational videos. Meanwhile, they are allowed to talk while I just listen everything from the sidelines.
I also get pissed off again after remembering my harsh past and those insulting words.
So… I’m totally broken to pieces and this is when the craving to edge a little bit spikes up. When I am completely… demotivated.
So I decided to just edge a little bit while looking at a hot photo I got, but then I stop.
I am reminded that going back to that ditch only amplifies the problems I have. I will experience even more lethargy, demotivation, shame, headache, flu, and I will have to start over again if I totally blow my load.
Still, idk if the urge is going to come again. I haven’t even completely wiped it out, and I am still as depressed and demotivated as ever.
Wish me luck guys.

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Day 3

For once I’ve got to beat my effing one year old social anxiety.

So I was so hungry (a depression symptom) and suddenly I got an idea to go to the market with my family members. I was so enthusiastic that my head kept telling me that I was crazy and silly.

However, I chose to shrug it off and guess what??? Nothing silly happened. I managed to prevent social anxiety got approval from reality.

But I got severe depression when I got home.

Looking at social media hate didn’t help, so I decided to look at pics and edge to counter the depression and loneliness.

But then the urge almost overpowered me and I was in the brink of O. And yes, I would’ve certainly O-ed hadn’t I stopped myself and watched NoFap videos.

So I decided to stop, even if it was very… very… uncomfortable to, and I did 6-7 times of push-ups before I was at my limit. I also took a couple of deep breaths as the NoFap video suggested. And the urge subsided.

So… yeah, I managed to prove that my social anxiety is “partially wrong”, and I managed to save myself from the relapse. What a great day despite my depression.

Maybe the suddenly spiking up urges come because I ate snacks and junk foods, so to say.

And if I don’t edge once in a couple of hours, my depression and loneliness will swarm at my head and they’ll just keep piling until they freak me out.