So I want to introduce myself before continuing.
My name’s Dan, and I’m 18 years old. I have been living with no friends throughout my life since 4 years ago. I also have been severely trampled, manipulated, picked on, insulted, bullied, and exiled by people since middle school till the college because of my unusual traits and tendencies, creating limiting beliefs, social anxiety, and mild paranoia. I also have no purpose in my life, and because of that my limiting beliefs keep reinforced, and I keep giving in to my habits of fapping off as the result.
But then Gabriel Kalei Bocanegra helped me being honest with myself about my fapping addiction issues. And that’s when I discovered NoFap. Precisely on January 2, 2018.
And the thing is… I have quite a mild depression (I’m unsure about it though) since the mid-January of 2018 and it gets worse till now because of “bad weeks—relapse—bad weeks” cycle. Well, actually, it’s more like me being unable to control myself when I have high streaks like 9 days or 11 days.
So… yeah… I’ve been struggling with both NoFap and depression for six straight months, with no significant progress despite watching hundreds of Gabriel Kalei’s motivational videos. That’s why I slowly turned into a stagnant, idle person who lays down on his bed in his room all day as soon as holiday started, and that’s why I’m more prone to relapsing. There’s a moment when I reached one week, but then I completely lost in the depths of depression and my family’s harsh scolding and thus my streaks were reduced to just less than a week. (with edging in-between, of course)
But somehow, I managed to lessen my depression for these last one week and I managed to reach day 2 today.
However, then my family members scolded me for being idle, stagnant, selfish, and asocial. I spoke up to one of them and I told him that I have no actual purpose in life, and so he told me to drop dead.
That made me completely devastated and I kept contemplating about suicide. Should I really hang myself like one of the game characters who happened to live the same life like me? Or… should I jump off from the top floor? Because… I can barely take this anymore. I just… want to disappear… right now.
I try to look for a fun activity and a purpose for months, and it’s not like I’m trying to take the easy way out or I’m being lazy and selfish (even though I often feel like I’m the most worthless and selfish piece of crap ever for fapping off). I’ve been trying my hardest to wake up and step out of my comfort zone to do basic routines, but it comes to a dead end when I know everything is pointless. I tried to go out but there were selfish drivers and traffic jams everywhere. I tried to go to my family’s workplace and I was even introduced to my family’s friend for consultation. However, some of them said some of these words twice :
“You’re not talking to us. Has your mouth been torn apart? It hasn’t right?” (this is outright insulting to introverts and loner wolves who have poor social skills)
And that consultant said :
“You’re too sensitive and you’re too immersed in your own worlds and imaginations.”
“You’ll have to adapt to social situations, or else you’ll be exiled forever.”
(Well, I know that you’re right to some extent, but actually it’s not that easy. You have never lived my past experiences and you have never got to live under the clutches of depression following you like a shadow and strangling you and you have never lived through loneliness and anxiety among crowds.)
So am I selfish if I choose to disappear now and then?